decision-making

I think I've finally decided what I want to do when my enlistment is up. I want to go Guard... possibly into Aviation (or Operations) Resource Management. Hopefully I can. Now I need to decide if I want to get out of Active Duty early or if I want to wait until my actual enlistment is up. I just don't know. AND I need to find a base that's willing to accept my application... and pray that it's one I want to go to. I'd love to end up somewhere in PA. There's also a base in D.C. that supposedly has an opening. But D.C. is a really expensive place to live. I don't know.

You might ask what brought this on. Well, it's the fact that I can retrain into anything I want to. I want out of Aircraft Maintenance (even though I love it). I want out of it because I'll end up behind a desk. I'm already behind a desk, and I'm not a huge fan of it (at least not in the maintenance world). if I'm going to be behind a desk I want it to be because I am trained for a desk job. Maybe it's selfish, but I've got to like what I'm doing, right?

I want to go Guard because I love the military - and I love the job security. I just don't want to move my family around every 4 years or so, or get stuck at a base I don't want to be at. Amazing, my parents are actually behind me this time, which is really exciting. And Adam's willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together. I just really want to be closer to my family. And Adam. And this is one good way to make it work.

Lace Curtains

Have you ever thought about the complexity of lace curtains? I know they weren't meant to have a deep hidden meaning, but they do. Think about it - lace curtains exist to let us see outside, but to make sure that no one can see in. They let the light in but keep everyone out. We're all like that - we want to be able to see out, to see everything that's going on. But we don't necessarily (if ever) want to let people see what's going on inside.

Why is that? The human race is supposed to love one another, care for one another. Yet we're all so private. It's hard to let someone in. But once we do, where are our lace curtains to keep our most private thoughts and desires private? Better yet, why do we think we can have lace curtains with God? He's all-knowing, all-seeing. Why do we think we can hide our deepest, darkest secrets from Him? He always sees them, and He loves us even more than any of us can comprehend in spite of them. Is it human nature to doubt a love that never ends, the "blindest" love of them all? Is that why we have Lace Curtains: to hide our hurts, our hang-ups, and our embarrassing actions/thoughts from a God that we don't think can love us unconditionally?

the beginning

So, this is the beginning of my new blog site... it's quite the venture, especially considering I'm horrible at updating things like this (even though I start out with the best of intentions). But, since my sister has one. And she updates it often, maybe that'll inspire me to write more.

I've kind of decided that i'm going to use this as a way to vent. Not necessarily about what I'm upset about, but just a place to write what I'm thinking at any given time. Like right now.

I'm in this weird funk. I feel loved, and I love everyone, but I just feel so alone right now. Maybe it's home sickness. Maybe it's missing everyone who I haven't been around for the past 5 years. I don't know. It's just this feeling I have that I can't shake. Everywhere I turn reminds me of something I'm missing out on... times with Adam, times with my family in Ohio, times with my family in Pennsylvania. When I go home to visit, I feel like an outsider sometimes. I know I'm not an outsider, but I'm always missing the important events in life.

I miss Adam. I want so much to be near him - to be involved in his everyday life. But I can't be. And, to be honest, that is killing me. He said the other day that this year will probably be the hardest year of our lives. I don't doubt it. I just don't want it to get any worse.

I'm ready to come home. I'm ready to be around everyone I love the most (minus a few friends here that I'm dreading leaving behind). I can't really explain this feeling. I've just never wanted so much to be near my family and friends. And knowing that, right now, there's nothing I can do about it isn't really helping.

The military is a great life, I just think I'm ready to be out of it. I love the security of it, but it's taking me away from my family. I want to have a job where I don't have to move once every 3-4 years. I want a job that I can quit if it starts getting really bad. I want a job where I can go talk to someone if I don't feel appreciated. Although, I do enjoy not having to worry about what to wear to work. I do enjoy not having to buy clothes to wear to work... and I do love the clothing allowance (and every other allowance) we get yearly/monthly.

I just really want to be home. I want to be within driving distance of my family and Adam. Heck, I'd even settle for the same timezone.