Monday, March 31, 2008

a "confession" of sorts

I've discovered that I'm afraid of my own creativity.

I love the release that comes with being creative... it's like the parts of me that are stifled in the technical world I live in can finally get out. But that release scares me. What if I want too much of it? What if I reveal too much? Will my artwork offend some people?

But another question I think I'm afraid of finding out the answer to is: Am I really creative, am I good at the artistic projects/photography I set out to create? Or is it just my friends and family are blinded by how bad it is because they're my family and they have to think it's great? Will I ever be crushed by the realization that I'm not, in fact, creative?

I see all of these projects and designs everyday - they float around inside my head like a beetle swimming across the top of a pool of water. they are innumerable. But when it comes to actually translating what I see into real life, onto paper/canvas/film, I can't do it. It seems impossible. These are my projects and ideas, screaming to be released. But I can't do it.

Have I just painted myself into a non-creative corner? When I try to sit down and actually create something, I can't. It seems all I can do is copy someone else's work. But when I'm not in a place where I can give into my creative impulses, that's when the real, raw creativity flows. Oh how I wish it were the other way around.

Reading this back, I've realized that it seems like almost everything I've posted is negative. My life isn't that bad - there really aren't a ton of negative things that have happened. I guess I just really need to write things out when I'm depressed/feeling down. I should try to write things when I'm elated, too. Maybe that would help me push through this 8+ year creativity wall I've run into.

Friday, March 28, 2008

trying to be cool

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm, like, in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.
-- Juno

You may ask why this is at the beginning of my blog. Well, I'll tell you.


There seems to be a lot of emphasis on being cool... especially on those who don't seem to try. How is it that these people just know how to be cool while the rest of us seem lost on the way to finding "cool"? Little do we know, however, that the people we think don't try actually try the hardest. I'll be the first to admit - I do try to be cool. I don't know if it works, but I have friends so I must not be that far off the mark. But why do we try so hard? Is anyone able to continuously live up to the definition of "cool"?

I was recently told that I'm respected. This totally made my day. I'm not sure why it felt so good to hear it - I see the evidence of it every day. Maybe it was just because someone confirmed what I thought was going on... and it was a happy moment for me. People recognize that I'm doing good things. It's nice to get that little bit of recognition.

Anyway, back to being cool... does "cool" just come naturally, or do we all work really hard at being cool in our own way? How can so many people have such different definitions of cool? There were the jocks at school, the nerds, the band geeks, the independent crowd, the artsy crowd, etc... by their own definitions, they were all cool to a certain extent.

Maybe being cool is actually your own acceptance of yourself. Once you like yourself enough to accept who and what you are, then you are cool.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

i suck at this

So I totally need to get better at posting blogs...

I'm sorry, I will try harder in the future. But not now. It's time to get ready for work.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

tin foil and cats

So, in an effort to get more/better sleep every day, I decided to put tin foil on my bedroom windows to keep the sun out. Boy does it work! I have to keep my bedroom door open, though (for the boys to have easy access to their litter box), so there's still a good amount of sunlight in the room.

I always figured that the answer to my not-always-present sleeping problems was the sunlight. Not so, my friend, not so. I slept really well the first day or two with the foil on my windows. But now it seems my body is so used to trying to sleep with sunlight that I think it's rebelling against having actual darkness to work with.

Foil also seems to be a great insulator. If the room's cold when I go to bed, it's cold when I wake up. If the room's warm when I go to sleep, it's always warm when I wake up (sometimes to the point of discomfort). This foil idea is amazing, though. I got the idea from some of the guys I supervise. Of course, they live in the Dorms on base or have skylights in their rooms (if they live off-base), so their foil isn't quite as apparent. People expect that of the "dorm rats" on base. And the guy who lives off-base is lucky enough to have the skylight, so no one sees his foil. You can spot the foil on my windows from a mile away! Foil is apparently GREAT at reflecting sunlight.

I've recently learned exactly how attached I am becoming to Oscar & Ziggy. I had an unpleasant dream about them last night and I woke up crying. It also made me a little sick to my stomach (the circumstances in the dream, that is). I talk to them... we have conversations. Okay, Oscar and I have conversations. Ziggy just meows to imitate Oscar's "barking" and then stares at me blankly when I answer back.

They sleep with me... not so uncommon, right? Except for the fact that Oscar tends to sleep like a human. He snuggles up next to me, then is really restless until I cover him up with my blanket to mid-torso. He won't sleep if his arms or head are covered up. Sometimes he even sleeps on his back (much like humans). It's adorable. Ziggy couldn't care where or how he sleeps as long as he's comfortable. He usually sleeps either completely under the covers, down where my legs & hips meet, or on a pillow next to mine (if not on my own pillow, seemingly trying to smother me). The pillow next to mine (aka Ziggy's pillow) has some fake lamb's wool on it. It's something that my friend Kelly gave me when she was cat-sitting for me. Ziggy will only fall asleep for the night if he's touching someone or if he's on that silly pillow.

Such simple (sometimes complex) creatures, yet they give me so much joy. But they're not fans of the foil. They run away from it. I guess it makes too much noise for them.