turmoil & growing pains... worth it?

Things don't always go the way you plan them - the journey is usually much harder than planned. I think that's why, when things turn out the way you originally wanted them to, you appreciate the outcome even more than you would've otherwise.

I think that when a journey is longer and harder than planned, there's a certain amount of growth that happens, even if inadvertently. I've already seen a little bit of it in my own life. Making decisions can be hard - sometimes sticking with those decisions is even harder. I think that when one is forced to stand by their decisions, to support them, that's when the most growth takes place.

I don't know when I'm trying to make this so subjective... I'm talking about my life - this isn't a case study. So, let me try this again.

Over the past six years I've made some decisions that were probably not the best, and some that I know where right. I've had to live with the outcome of those decisions, even if it wasn't the outcome I originally wanted. But looking back, I'm ok with how things have turned out. My life has been a pretty good one so far.

Turmoil can be great... in that I mean that it can bring about great learning opportunities. Anyone who knows me will be the first to admit that I HATE turmoil - with a passion. But recently I've come to appreciate it. I've seen the effect that turmoil has had on me, and I like what it's doing to me. I'm becoming more willing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I'm becoming a stronger person at work, in my personal life and just in general.

So I guess all the growing I've done is worth the pain. I just wish it could be easier sometimes.

the calm before the storm

There was a thunderstorm last night - the first time I’ve heard/seen it storm here in the almost three years I’ve lived in England. There was no calm before the storm. The weather was bad, then it just got worse.

Yet there was something strangely calming about hearing the thunder, the wind and the rain pelting my bedroom window. It put me to sleep.

I miss thunderstorms. I love driving in them. I love standing inside and watching the storms (especially the lightning and the way the trees seems to dance in the wind). I love standing out in a rain storm.

The storm relaxed me in a way I haven’t been able to relax in awhile. How is it that something to “scary” can do so much to relax me? I would like some more storms, I think. They help me remember the beauty that is God’s creation. Sometimes I take the beauty of nature for granted. Storms remind me of who created nature…

Thank You for the reminder.

change can be a good thing. right?

I didn’t sleep very well last night (well, my last night - for you non-nighttime workers that’s “this morning/today” to you). I’m not sure if it’s because it was warm in my room (I turned on the fan just in case) or because I just feel “not right”.

I’ve really felt like talking to people lately, but for seemingly no apparent reason. I just want to talk. Any person who can hold a decent conversation seems to be my unlucky target. I did notice that, since I’m so close to going home, I have this immense desire to talk to people from home. But, again, for no apparent reason.

I just noticed that probably 90% of the sentences I’ve already written start with some form of the word “I”. Maybe I need to be a little less self-absorbed. So I’m going to write about something else. But what?

It seems that a lot of people I know are going through seasons of change. I’m currently in contact with someone from another base who is coming here… all because they want to find a way to make the “change” a little easier/go a little smoother. But, then again, who doesn’t want that?

My parents have hit the retirement age… my dad can officially retire in June. It seems really weird that he’s old enough for retirement. I remember back in the day when we used to get excused from elementary school on Halloween to go bowling all day - those were the best times. And now he’s retiring. When did we all get so old? My oldest sister is pregnant again. My second oldest sister wants to start trying to have another baby (this would make three). My younger sister is on a waiting list to move into a group home and my brother is my brother (things are always changing with him).

It’s “sort of” Spring here in England. I say “sort of” because it snowed last week, and now it’s in the 60’s today (but it was in the high 50’s two weeks ago). Tomorrow it’ll probably shoot back down to the low 40’s, just because it can. In the States, the saying is “March - in like a lion, out like a lamb”. Well, over here in England the saying should be “Spring - not really Spring… more like Winter, but worse”. Ok, it’s not quite as catchy, but it gets the point across.

Maybe all of this, in some strange way, has contributed to my feeling “not right”. Things are changing at home - with friends, with family, etc - and I’m not there for it. I hate missing changes… I noticed that the first time I went on leave after joining the Air Force. Even though I’ve progressed leaps and bounds over the past 6+ years I’ve been in the Service, going home is always tough on me. I see my siblings, my aunts/uncles and my cousins - they all (and I mean all) have gotten married and become parents (obviously my aunts & uncles have become grandparents). And then here I am, living in England doing what I’m good at (I guess you could say I’m “living the life”), and I feel like, for me, time has stood completely still. I feel like they all have moved on with their lives, and here’s “little Joanna”, still not married, still not with any children.

Why do we, as humans, have a seemingly ever-constant habit of comparing our lives to those of others? Why am I pitting myself against my family and friends concerning life “status” when they’ve never done what I’ve done? They’ve never been where I’ve been (nor had even remotely the same experience). There’s really no fair comparison. I mean, look at me - I’ve moved 5 times in the past 6 years - 5 times! That makes it very hard to start having a family, etc. So why would I compare myself to my “stationary” family and friends? That’s just not right.

I don’t know - life is interesting. It’s amazing to see how everything turns out - every situation with an unexpected ending. I’d like to see what my unexpected ending is going to be…

my options (or, what i want vs. what will actually happen)

This may not come as a huge surprise to people who know me, but I hate change. Why would this be a surprise to those who don’t? I’m in the US Military - our lives are all about change. But what I hate most about change is when I can’t control it.

I love getting to live in new places but I HATE moving to new places. I’m not a fan of finding a new place to live, a new place to go to church and having to make new friends. Of course, I do love exploring the new place I live once I actually settle down, but I still would prefer not to move. Then again, not many people can say that they got to live in England for free for 3 years… the military does have its perks.

I have just found out the official list of places I could be stationed next… I could go to Idaho (not high on my “wants” list - this base has a pretty high suicide rate), or two bases in Florida (one of which I’ve already been to). I don’t want to be int he AF for just over 7 years and say that I’ve only been assigned to two different bases (not counting Technical Training).

Why don’t I want to go to Idaho? Well… I received an email from someone I worked with (who is now stationed there) who said that, if I get orders there, I should just consider getting out of the Air Force. Pretty bad, huh? I mean, I could get there and absolutely love it (apparently Boise is considered the safest city in the country). I could probably tough it out for the year I will be there, but I’d rather not find out. That brings me to another issue with Idaho: I will move to one side of the country (at the Air Force’s expense) to live there a year and then drive back to the East Coast (hopefully also at the Air Force’s expense). One thing I didn’t really consider when extended my enlistment was this: who will give me an 11-month or so lease? That was pretty stupid of me.

Anyway, on to Florida. I’ve been to Tyndall AFB (near Panama City, FL - the Spring Break capital of the US). I lived there for approximately 30 months. It’s not called the “Redneck Riviera” for nothing. The friends I made there were great and I loved my church there. I’m just not a huge fan of hurricanes. I think I lived through something like 7 hurricanes - and I came out completely unscathed (and with a little more money in my pockets). I’m just ready to see someplace new.

Eglin AFB is my other choice (not that I have a choice - I will be put where they want to put me). It’s a GINORMOUS base. I think it’s the largest Air Force Base in the world (as far as land-mass is concerned). It’s definitely in a nicer area than Tyndall and it has its own airport. I pretty much know the area. Plus they have an Electronic Warfare facility (it’s what I work on right now) that works on everything I love working on (using the equipment I currently use).

So those are my options. I wish I had some sort of control over where I was going. But such is the life of a member of the US Military. I’ve been very blessed with my assignments so far, I guess I could try to find the best in a potentially bad assignment for a year.

Then the countdown to being an almost-civilian begins.

a death in the "family"

A friend’s mom just died. Point blank, no romanticizing. I can’t imagine the pain he will be going through once the death has been accepted (he is seemingly in some major denial). He’s a friend of mine through Karen…

I don’t even want to begin to consider what I will feel like when I have to go though similar circumstances. Will I be the strong one in the family? Will I take charge? Or will I be the one who just clams up and doesn’t accept it because I don’t want it to be true?

We’re all getting older, that can’t be hidden or denied. No one wants to think of the remote possibility that their parents will die some day. Yet something like this is a constant reminder. It helps me realize exactly how much I appreciate and love my parents, friends, family, etc. But do I really show it? Or am I one of those friends/sisters/girlfriends who lets everyone else shower me with emotion, but I don’t relate how I’m feeling - how much I love and appreciate them?

It’s times like these that I look back and really start to question the kind of person I’ve become. Not because I’m a bad person… but am I maybe a little too selfish? I look back at my life and try to find times where I did something completely without regard as to what it would get me in return. I don’t think I can think of a single time that’s happened. Maybe I need to be reminded.

Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize how good I have it. Maybe I need to start showing people I appreciate them, and not only after they do something for me.

Maybe…

thoughts on (perceived) Human Nature

Everyone says that it’s “human nature” to do good things… but is it, really? Believe you me, I’m the type of person who tries to find the good in everything and everyone, but there are just some times when it’s impossible to do. If it’s human nature to do good, why do we all have this strong propensity to do bad things? Is the temptation just too much to deal with, so we have to give in? Or is it that we really do want to do bad, but we just stifle those wants and desires because we know they’re not right?

A friend of mine, when asked the question, told me that he thinks it’s human nature “to do whatever it takes to survive (i.e. kill, eat another person, whatever)”. I’d like to think this isn’t true, yet to some degree I know it is. This world we live in isn’t called a “dog eat dog” world for nothing.

He also brought up another point - we all have different views on what is bad. How can our society, which seems to know right from wrong, have such differing views? For example: down South (back in the day) it was perfectly alright, to some extent, for someone to lynch a black person. Perhaps for no other reason than for the fact that said black person looked at them “the wrong way”. Yet, up North, that would have been completely unacceptable.

Watch Primetime TV today - how many shows, to some extent, glorify murder or drug use? Sure, the murder may have been committed with “good intentions”, but does that make it any more right than, say, a serial killer’s many murders? Do we, as a society, teach our young ones that killing someone really isn’t as bad as the law makes it out to be?

It seems to me that Hollywood may play a major roll in this viewpoint. For example, how many movies can you name that have absolutely no killing or reference to killing someone in it/them (without that movie being labeled a “family movie”)? Now, how many movies can you name that have at least one death from unnatural causes? Is that number larger than the first? Sure, the MPAA tries to shield our children/teens from this type of “entertainment” by giving these movies a PG-13 or higher rating, but what good does that really do?

I remember back when Saving Private Ryan first came out. My sisters and I really wanted to see it, but I wasn’t quite 17. I got into the movie theater with a signed note (yes, the note was authentic) from my parents stating that it was ok for me to see this rated R movie. One thing I remember (probably the only thing) from that experience was seeing grown men (some in their 60’s) crying while watching the war/action scenes. I realize that some of this was because the movie brought back memories that these men had fought for years to suppress. But, now as I look back, I can’t help but remember that not one person under the age of 30 seemed to be bothered by the graphic violence/death scenes. My sisters and I seemed the be the only people under the age of 30 who were visually upset by the slow, painful death of one of the characters when a dagger was very slowly, very deliberately shoved into his heart by a German soldier (who seemed to be performing the act out of revenge - he seemed completely blind to the fact that he was taking a sacred human life). Has modern society become so anesthetized towards death that death only bothers us when it effects us personally?

I’d like to think that my human nature is to do good. But, then again, I don’t really know. There are some days where doing what’s right is the least of my worries. So why do I do what’s right? Because I’m afraid of the consequences. Are consequences the only thing that keep us from killing everyone off? If so, we’re really no different than the animals in the wild. We’ve been given a capacity to love, to know the different of right from wrong. If we, as humans, have been given this precious gift, I’d like to think we’re using it. For the most part, I think we’re doing a good job. But is it because we are truly good or because we’re denying what seems to be this thing called Human Nature?

ants & three-day weekends

It's a three-day weekend for me. The first of two in a row (almost unheard of at this base lovingly referred to as "Lakenhell"). Pilots are allowed patches on their flight suits called "morale patches". One famous one from our base consists of two guys facing each other, one kicking the other in the groin. The text? "Lakenheath - morale stops here".


Believe it or not, it's true. That's what makes these little surprise/short notice three-day weekends so nice. If we don't know about them in advance, and they just happen, we really do feel like we're appreciated. At least I do.



There seem to be so many options when one is faced with multiple three-day weekends (or, heck, even just one three-day weekend). Unfortunately, I think mine will be spent being responsible - spring cleaning, do some much-needed dishes and laundry, etc.



I also need to call my landlady about my recent (aka happened this morning) ant infestation. No joke... it's nasty. There is a never-ending trail of ants front my front door to a wall inside my living room. The entryway into my living room is currently a black moving stream. I'm trying to keep the ants at bay with chili pepper (I don't have cayenne pepper - that works the best), and it seems to be working. At least right now.

I haven't seen Karen in what seems like decades. She might be staying over this weekend (although I still won't get to see much of her). She has a weekend-long class on Mildenhall, but even seeing her just after her classes is good enough for me. We're WAY overdue a shopping trip. She is my best friend here... Life seems kind of empty without her here for me to make a fool of myself with. She's a great stress reliever for me.


We'll see each other soon. And when we do, watch out Cambridge!

when you want to be closer

Have you ever noticed that, no matter how much you may miss someone at any given time, you always want to be nearer when they're going through a trying time (surgery, death of a loved one, hard times in general)?

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it seems that trials make the heart grow "fonderer"... those trials make the separation that much harder to bear.

What makes us, as humans, need to be near someone we love who is hurting? I know there the whole "we're human, we have the capacity to love and the need to nurture" answer, but is there something else? I can see a commercial on TV for the "Sponsor our Children" organizations, and my heart will ache for the people in the commercials. But, normally, once the commercial is off the screen (or I'm just plain distracted by something else), those people are completely out of my mind. Yet it seems that nothing can remove someone I know from my mind when they're going through something that may put a strain on their day-to-day life.

Why is it that some people can ache for people they don't know... ache enough to leave everything they know and love to help care for these people, to show them the only love they may ever know? Why is it that, for some people (sadly, myself included), we get caught up in the whirlwind of excitement that comes with sponsoring a child we've never met, but once it becomes part of everyday life, we tend to put that on the back burner? I'm terribly guilty of this, no matter how hard I try to stay excited about it.

But I've gotten off-track.

I've noticed since moving away from my family/loved ones that I miss them most either when I've just left them or when I know I'm going to see them soon. This time that missing them seems almost unbearable. My days are brighter because I know I'm seeing Adam and my family in almost less than 2 months, but they are also a little darker (at the same time, strangely) because I know that no matter how much I want to be with them now, I have to wait.

What brought on my writing this? Well, I'm sure Adam won't mind my telling you... he's getting his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. They're all impacted. I would give anything to be there with him, to try and help him feel just a little better when the pain starts. I know I won't really be able to do anything to help, but for me (and maybe this is selfish), just being there, sitting in a room with him would be better than the options I currently have.

At least this is the (hopefully) only surgery that I won't be able to take care of him afterwards. I look forward to the day when I'll be able to drop anything to be with Adam, my sisters or the rest of my family & friends when they're going through a rough time.

Yes, I do want to be closer. Much closer.