a heart broken (and lessons learned)

What do you write when your soul longs to scream out, but it doesn’t know what to say? How do you recover from a major life change - and I mean MAJOR? It’s out of your control. You didn’t cause it, you didn’t want it. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t want it. But I have no choice but to accept it. How do I deal with this?

How do I deal with this gut-wrenching pain that’s coursing through my body? How do I deal with the seemingly “foreverness” of uncertainty that is now my future? What about the emptiness that I feel in my heart? What about my feelings in all of this? Don’t they count for anything? I guess not.

I guess I’m looking for answers (as evidenced by the many questions I’ve asked). I wish there was an easy answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could erase it.

But now I have no choice but to accept it - to recover and move on. To learn from the entire situation and become stronger in spite of it. In spite? No - that would mean that I regret all of it. I will become stronger because of it.

I’ve learned that I can be put through the wringer and come out whole on the other side. I can stand up for myself and for something I believe in. I know when it’s time to say, “No more, this isn’t for me.” Now the question is, will I bring strong enough to say it if, God forbid, the need arises?

So I would like to thank you. Thank you for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. Thank you for helping to make me stronger. Do I regret the past? Not all of it - not the good times. I’m going to try to not be embarrassed for the things that have happened (and for seemingly fighting for no reason). I will try to swallow my pride and ask forgiveness (it’ll be hard, but I’ll try).

The road to recovery is going to be painful, I know. But it’s, unfortunately, a necessary evil. I just hope I’m strong enough to deal with it.

turmoil & growing pains... worth it?

Things don't always go the way you plan them - the journey is usually much harder than planned. I think that's why, when things turn out the way you originally wanted them to, you appreciate the outcome even more than you would've otherwise.

I think that when a journey is longer and harder than planned, there's a certain amount of growth that happens, even if inadvertently. I've already seen a little bit of it in my own life. Making decisions can be hard - sometimes sticking with those decisions is even harder. I think that when one is forced to stand by their decisions, to support them, that's when the most growth takes place.

I don't know when I'm trying to make this so subjective... I'm talking about my life - this isn't a case study. So, let me try this again.

Over the past six years I've made some decisions that were probably not the best, and some that I know where right. I've had to live with the outcome of those decisions, even if it wasn't the outcome I originally wanted. But looking back, I'm ok with how things have turned out. My life has been a pretty good one so far.

Turmoil can be great... in that I mean that it can bring about great learning opportunities. Anyone who knows me will be the first to admit that I HATE turmoil - with a passion. But recently I've come to appreciate it. I've seen the effect that turmoil has had on me, and I like what it's doing to me. I'm becoming more willing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I'm becoming a stronger person at work, in my personal life and just in general.

So I guess all the growing I've done is worth the pain. I just wish it could be easier sometimes.