I’m sitting in the airport in Atlanta – delayed. I’ve just been “home” for 4 days, visiting family – finally getting to be a close-up Aunt instead of a far-away Aunt. Having Thanksgiving dinner with most of my family. Celebrating an early Christmas with most of my family. It’s always times like these that make me realize exactly how hard it is to live my life.
Granted, I’m not in any major danger. I don’t put my life on the line daily. There are MANY nobler jobs than mine. But I do live a day’s drive away from my family. And for a nuclear family girl like myself, that’s hard. It seems to get harder every time I see my parents, my sisters, my brothers-in-law, my nieces and my nephews. My nieces and nephews always have these new little nuances that have shown up in their personalities. It’s always time to go right as they’re opening up to me – as they’re welcoming me into their lives. And that is hard.
I’m in Atlanta and there are people rushing past me – business people, family people, military people, kids, moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, friends – you get the picture. There’s a pilot sitting directly across from me and my first thought wasn’t, “Wow, I wonder if he enjoys his job?” My first thought was, “I wonder when he last got to spend quality time with his family?” Why is it that the Holiday Season always brings thoughts of families to mind? We’re always more open to helping others during a season when we realize exactly how good we have it. Why does it take us being bombarded with images of what we have for us to realize that there are others who desperately need our help?
And then there’s me – guilty of all of this. I only think of those “less fortunate” than I am when I’m lonely. Or when I’m in an airport. What kind of hypocrite am I that I sit at home, enjoying the warmth of my many blankets while sitting on the couch, watching old movies on my flat screen TV that I had to have to replace the one the movers broken when I moved to Florida? I’m afraid I’ve totally bought into the American mentality of “I need, I need, I need” instead of “I want, I want, I want.” Because, to be honest, who needs multiple TV’s? Who needs a nice computer, a nice phone, multiple music players and a mostly new car? These are just wants.
Here’s my prayer for the Holiday Season:
“Father God, take away my desire for those things I don’t need. Teach me the difference between a need and a desire. Instead, turn that desire towards what I can do for others – for those who actually need: for those who go without daily so that their children might be able to eat. Holy Spirit, build a fire in my soul for those who hurt, for those who so desperately need to know you when I am so blessed to have been given so much by you.
God, thank you for what you’ve given me. I’ve received an overabundance of gifts from you – help me to use them for Your glory. You are an awesome God and I want to live to serve You.
Amen.”
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
a righteous anger
I have a lot to write, but let’s just suffice it to say I’m mad. Truly, genuinely, good and mad. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’m not hurt, I’m not emotionally scarred. I’m just mad. And I need to write about it.
This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.
I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?
This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.
But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…
This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.
I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?
This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.
But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
the hard "no"
“I’m sorry. You’re a super wonderful guy… but no.”
This has been happening to me a lot lately… I’ve had to say the hard “no”, on average, at least once a month since becoming single again back in August. But it all seems to be concentrated into the past 2 months or so. Is this God’s way of telling me I’m ready to date again? Or is it just that the guys I’m around see something they like and they go for it? The hard thing is that, lately, it’s been nothing but great guys doing the asking. But they’re all wrong for me in some way, shape or form.
I don’t consider myself too picky, I just know what I want and, more importantly, what I need. One of my past boyfriends was actually 85% what I need. He knew how to handle my neurotic tendencies. He knew how to handle my anger (and the fact that, when I fly off the handle, he needed to get ready for a pretty wild and lengthy ride). He knew how to make me laugh, how to make me genuinely happy. So, in a way, I’m looking for another him. But in a totally different way. I now know mostly what I need… I’m just narrowing down the rest of it and the “what I want”. I was walking with a friend of mine the other day and I actually created an almost complete list of what I know I need. But I’m not going to list that here. Face it - blogs are personal enough, but the list is a little too personal to broadcast on the internet. God knows what’s included on that list and and He’ll provide exactly what I need and want - maybe even throw in a few surprises, too!
I’m not going to lie. I’m ready to date again. But I’m not actively looking. I’m not also looking at every guy I meet thinking, “Hmm, he’d be a great guy to date. He should ask me out.” It’s just not happening. God will bring me who I’m supposed to be with. And he’s going to be great. This is the longest length of time I’ve been single in a long time and I’m actually enjoying it. For awhile I was afraid that I’d be one of those people who couldn’t be alone. But look at me - 8 months or so and I’m still going strong. When I was younger I used to wonder if every guy I met was “the one”. Now I just see these guys as potential friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to date someone. But I only want to date someone when it’s right that I do. Nothing forced. Nothing read into anything that’s been said or done on the fly. I want to be excited, to be comfortable, to be open to opening myself up again.
So thank you. Thank you for the flattering invitations. But I’m waiting. I’m waiting for the guy who breaks the mold.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
a change in view
I’ve recently been an indirect witness to some pretty major legal proceedings. Normally no big deal, right? Well it’s different when you know the entire story - when you know the people involved, the effects the situation has had on the people involved… the family histories, personal histories, personalities involved, etc.
I used to think that I had my opinions of crime & punishment all figured out. Black was black and white was white. And it is that way - in a perfect world: a world where no morality is involved, a world where humanity is not taken into consideration. Now the obvious black and white areas seem to have merged into one huge grey area. Prison sentences now seem harsh (to a certain extent). Probation/community service seem to be the way to go - but is it right to err on the side of caution? The death penalty used to seem pretty cut-and-dry. Not so much anymore. Exactly what do the judge/jury take into account before imposing the death penalty? Does personal opinion carry any weight on their decisions at all?
How long will this new point of view last? Will this change be a forever type of change, or just a passing fancy? Will I be able to apply what I’ve learned to everyday situations or will I just let it go by the wayside? Why have I been given this look into humanity? Will there come a time in life when I will need to make a life-or-death decision, weighing all the facts, not just my personal opinions?
It’s a lot to chew on. But maybe, just maybe it’ll help me change this world for the better.
I used to think that I had my opinions of crime & punishment all figured out. Black was black and white was white. And it is that way - in a perfect world: a world where no morality is involved, a world where humanity is not taken into consideration. Now the obvious black and white areas seem to have merged into one huge grey area. Prison sentences now seem harsh (to a certain extent). Probation/community service seem to be the way to go - but is it right to err on the side of caution? The death penalty used to seem pretty cut-and-dry. Not so much anymore. Exactly what do the judge/jury take into account before imposing the death penalty? Does personal opinion carry any weight on their decisions at all?
How long will this new point of view last? Will this change be a forever type of change, or just a passing fancy? Will I be able to apply what I’ve learned to everyday situations or will I just let it go by the wayside? Why have I been given this look into humanity? Will there come a time in life when I will need to make a life-or-death decision, weighing all the facts, not just my personal opinions?
It’s a lot to chew on. But maybe, just maybe it’ll help me change this world for the better.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Awake!
I've come to realize something - I'm happy with where I'm at. I love my friends. I love where I live. I love my church. My job is great (even if it's time for a change) - you couldn't get better benefits. I'm actually pretty content with where I'm at emotionally. I can't explain it - it's just something that came on me after church today. I was standing around with my friends, talking about where we were going for lunch, and I just felt happy. There's no other word for it, really.
I kind of fell in love with my friends all over again. There's something so special about all of them, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not even sure what's made me so content.
But I do know this - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. It's refreshing. It's like walking out on a wintry morning, feeling that first blast of crisp cold air.
I kind of fell in love with my friends all over again. There's something so special about all of them, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not even sure what's made me so content.
But I do know this - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. It's refreshing. It's like walking out on a wintry morning, feeling that first blast of crisp cold air.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
a new spin on this holiday season
It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.
It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.
I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).
Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.
I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.
Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.
I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):
7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.
Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.
It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.
I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).
Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.
I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.
Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.
I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):
7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.
Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.
Friday, October 24, 2008
my newest adventure
I’ve been having heart issues (literally) for the past 3 years. Last month they got bad enough that I ended up in the ER for 3 or 4 hours… my heart rate was 126 when I was almost asleep.
The labs all came back negative (aka a good thing) and my chest x-ray was fine. So I went today for an echocardiogram (first time ever getting one - it was actually really cool to see my heart while it was working) and to get a Holter Monitor.
I’ve never experienced anything so amazing as seeing my heart moving while I was feeling the heartbeats. I had this stupid smile on my face while I was watching it. It’s amazing to think that technology has brought us so far that we can see the workings of our inner bodies on a computer monitor without an invasive procedure. I saw my heart THROUGH MY LIVER!!!! Amazing stuff.
All I can say is, God bless hoodies. They hide wires & the monitor well.
Call me morbid, but I actually hope they find something wrong. I want to know what’s causing my super extra fast heart rate. And I need to get back on my medicine. No, I’m not addicted, but I’ve kind of gotten used to having a normal heartbeat. My doctor doesn’t think I need to be on the medication… she’s wrong.
We’ll see how things turn out. Stay tuned for an update…
Monday, September 1, 2008
birth & loneliness
This is four days late, but I'm an aunt again. It's very exciting. We've been waiting so long for this little one to arrive that it almost seems surreal that he's finally here! I've seen pictures, and he's one of the cutest little things I've ever seen. Of course, I may be biased, but there it is.
I've discovered that 7-10 days off work (with no one to have the time off with you) might be a bit too much. It was great the first few days, but now it's just getting old. It has definitely helped with the jet lag, but I'm bored - and a bit lonely. There's only so much that texting, chatting, emailing and talking online can do for you to relieve the boredom/loneliness. But when it comes down to it, I really need someone here to share the experience with me.
I miss England. I miss my friends from England. Living back in the States seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. Why, then, do I feel so alone? It's GREAT to see all of my old friends again, but they all have their own new lives. I feel like I'm invading their experiences, almost like I'm trying to force my way into their lives. Is that what I should be doing? Is that a normal experience for coming back "home" after changing so much?
The extreme hate of moving is making me reconsider re-enlisting (if only to stay put for a few more years). The major drawbacks to re-enlisting are:
- By the time I will be getting out, I will have been in for 11 years. By then I might as well just stay in until retirement (it would only be 9 years away).
- I won't be able to cross-train (at least not right away). And if I do cross-train, I won't be coming back to PC Beach.
Right now it doesn't seem like there are that many drawbacks, but I don't want to be a "lifer". I would love to stay in Panama City, but what would I do?
Maybe I'm just tossing these ideas around because I'm lonely. Maybe I'll be stop-lossed (even though I'm pretty sure the Air Force doesn't stop-loss non-critically manned career fields). I still have a few months to decide. Hopefully by then I'll be less lonely and able to make these all-important decisions with a clearer mind.
Maybe.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
life in the fast lane (sort of)
Wow - it’s been 6 weeks since I last wrote anything! I can’t believe it’s been that long. Actually, I can. A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. I moved halfway across the world back to Florida. My 2nd nephew is soon to be born. I have my own GINORMOUS apartment with no furniture in it (yet), and I’m in the process of buying another car.
Ok, so maybe it’s not that much. But considering most of it just started happing within the past two weeks or so, it’s a lot.
Yup, I moved back to Florida. It’s really weird and really cool being back. So much has changed, yet so little has changed. My church has tripled in size since I left (and finally has its own building right down the street from where I live). Every one of my friends from church has grown so much! I don’t mean physically, I mean maturity level, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m not sure if anyone knew the exact date of my arrival. Everyone seemed so surprised to see me at church on Sunday. Every one of my friends gave me huge hugs and welcomed me home. It definitely made me feel loved - a good change from all of the goodbye’s I’ve been saying (and re-saying) over the past two months. Not that I haven’t felt loved, it’s just a nice change to be greeted with a smile and a hug instead of a tear-stained face and a hug.
Last I knew (and I’m terrible for not getting an update, I know), my sister is still waiting on her second son to grace us with his presence. She went into what I’m guessing was false labor just before I left England (5 or 6 days ago) and I haven’t heard anything since. Doctors think she can go at any time, though. It’ll be nice to actually been in-country when one of my nieces/nephews will be born.
I love my new apartment. It’s 300 sq ft bigger than my house in England. Huge! It looks so empty right now, though. I can’t wait to get all of my stuff and start decorating it. Listen to me - I sound like such a girl now! Maybe my friends aren’t the only ones who have grown over the past three years…
I’m buying another Mazda6 sometime today or tomorrow. I love it. I didn’t realize exactly how easy they drive until I drove that beast of a rental Rover around for 3 months. Oh - and I have yet to accidentally drive on the left side of the road! I really do impress myself sometimes.
Leaving my life in England was really hard. It’s still hard to adjust to the fact that all of my friends from the past three years aren’t available to talk/hang out whenever I want (or whenever they’re available). I can’t get used to being 6 hours behind them… I miss them all terribly. Even though I have all of my old friends around, I still feel lonely without my friends from England. Hopefully that loneliness will start to fade soon.
I plan on joining (or at least trying to join) the worship team at church. After spending the last three years wishing I was helping lead worship, I decided to “cowboy up” and tell my friends (the Worship Arts pastors at church) that I want to join the worship team. Of course, this all depends on what shift I end up working…
Speaking of work, I don’t have to go to work again until 3 September! I’ve been off work for a total of 7.5 out of the last 8 days! I’m loving the time off. It will be nice to have a schedule again, though. But 10 days of relaxing will make up for the not having a schedule, I think.
I miss my boys. Oscar got into a fight (or rather, was fought with) the other day. Dear, sweet, innocent Oscar! He got bitten around the base of his tail and had to be taken to the vet to have a shunt put in so it could properly drain (it got infected)! My sweet little man has a shaved bum, now, and battle scars!
That’s really all I have to say right now. Except for this: bring on the visitors!!!!!
Ok, so maybe it’s not that much. But considering most of it just started happing within the past two weeks or so, it’s a lot.
Yup, I moved back to Florida. It’s really weird and really cool being back. So much has changed, yet so little has changed. My church has tripled in size since I left (and finally has its own building right down the street from where I live). Every one of my friends from church has grown so much! I don’t mean physically, I mean maturity level, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m not sure if anyone knew the exact date of my arrival. Everyone seemed so surprised to see me at church on Sunday. Every one of my friends gave me huge hugs and welcomed me home. It definitely made me feel loved - a good change from all of the goodbye’s I’ve been saying (and re-saying) over the past two months. Not that I haven’t felt loved, it’s just a nice change to be greeted with a smile and a hug instead of a tear-stained face and a hug.
Last I knew (and I’m terrible for not getting an update, I know), my sister is still waiting on her second son to grace us with his presence. She went into what I’m guessing was false labor just before I left England (5 or 6 days ago) and I haven’t heard anything since. Doctors think she can go at any time, though. It’ll be nice to actually been in-country when one of my nieces/nephews will be born.
I love my new apartment. It’s 300 sq ft bigger than my house in England. Huge! It looks so empty right now, though. I can’t wait to get all of my stuff and start decorating it. Listen to me - I sound like such a girl now! Maybe my friends aren’t the only ones who have grown over the past three years…
I’m buying another Mazda6 sometime today or tomorrow. I love it. I didn’t realize exactly how easy they drive until I drove that beast of a rental Rover around for 3 months. Oh - and I have yet to accidentally drive on the left side of the road! I really do impress myself sometimes.
Leaving my life in England was really hard. It’s still hard to adjust to the fact that all of my friends from the past three years aren’t available to talk/hang out whenever I want (or whenever they’re available). I can’t get used to being 6 hours behind them… I miss them all terribly. Even though I have all of my old friends around, I still feel lonely without my friends from England. Hopefully that loneliness will start to fade soon.
I plan on joining (or at least trying to join) the worship team at church. After spending the last three years wishing I was helping lead worship, I decided to “cowboy up” and tell my friends (the Worship Arts pastors at church) that I want to join the worship team. Of course, this all depends on what shift I end up working…
Speaking of work, I don’t have to go to work again until 3 September! I’ve been off work for a total of 7.5 out of the last 8 days! I’m loving the time off. It will be nice to have a schedule again, though. But 10 days of relaxing will make up for the not having a schedule, I think.
I miss my boys. Oscar got into a fight (or rather, was fought with) the other day. Dear, sweet, innocent Oscar! He got bitten around the base of his tail and had to be taken to the vet to have a shunt put in so it could properly drain (it got infected)! My sweet little man has a shaved bum, now, and battle scars!
That’s really all I have to say right now. Except for this: bring on the visitors!!!!!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
stress-less?
I’m a little less stressed these days. Leave was great. I’m leaving England soon. I have an apartment to live in once I get to Florida (I could even possibly move in to it the day I get to the States). Adam and I are closer to being together than ever before. Things are looking good.
I sort of got a job offer while I was on leave. It was in a field I’ve never really considered (Computer Forensics), but it sounds interesting. The job offer came in this form: “If you get all the qualifications/certifications you need for this field, either I or one of my friends will hire you.” How often does that happen? I really hope it was a genuine job offer.
I can become a full-time student when I get out of the Air Force in 2009. The US government is going to pay for my schooling. Not only will they pay for my schooling, they’ll pay for my books, any kind of licensing testing (up to $2K, I believe) and they’ll pay me upwards of $1,100/month for rent/living expenses, etc. One of my major decision makers on whether to go to school after the military was just that - living expenses (ok, that and where to go to school - I’m looking at somewhere in PA). Plus, now that I know what I need to do to get a job (in a field that actually does sound interesting), things are looking up.
That’s all I have to say. Nothing too special. But it has been over a month since I’ve written, so I decided I should write something - even if it’s super short (compared to the normal length of my blogs).
I sort of got a job offer while I was on leave. It was in a field I’ve never really considered (Computer Forensics), but it sounds interesting. The job offer came in this form: “If you get all the qualifications/certifications you need for this field, either I or one of my friends will hire you.” How often does that happen? I really hope it was a genuine job offer.
I can become a full-time student when I get out of the Air Force in 2009. The US government is going to pay for my schooling. Not only will they pay for my schooling, they’ll pay for my books, any kind of licensing testing (up to $2K, I believe) and they’ll pay me upwards of $1,100/month for rent/living expenses, etc. One of my major decision makers on whether to go to school after the military was just that - living expenses (ok, that and where to go to school - I’m looking at somewhere in PA). Plus, now that I know what I need to do to get a job (in a field that actually does sound interesting), things are looking up.
That’s all I have to say. Nothing too special. But it has been over a month since I’ve written, so I decided I should write something - even if it’s super short (compared to the normal length of my blogs).
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
a waste of your time
It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything. No good reason, I’ve just been lazy. I had originally wanted to update this blog every other day (to show I’m not totally addicted), but that got to be a bit much. Not because nothing has been happening, but because I don’t ever think that anything that happens to me is interesting enough to write about.
The Air Force is being nice enough to let me fly back Stateside on 22 August - the date I asked for. It’s a Friday. I’ve given myself an extra few days to get reacquainted with the area before having to head in to work to start in-processing at Tyndall. It’ll also give me a chance to go look at cars. I’ll get to hang out with friends I haven’t seen for three years. I’m beginning to look forward to it more than I thought I would.
I’m the shift boss this week (and I have been for the past two weeks, also). I’m not really liking it. The first week was pretty good - I didn’t make too many mistakes and I was told by someone I really respect that he thought I found my calling in the Aircraft Maintenance world of the USAF. That made me feel really good. Then the “stuff” hit the fan. The other two shifts (we work a 24-hr operation during the week) started making really stupid mistakes. But, because I was the one who had to tell the Shop Chief (big boss) about them, I was the one who got blamed/yelled at. No one was really being held accountable. And the person who should’ve been held accountable (but wasn’t) also wasn’t talking to his shift about the mistakes they were making. They weren’t really mistakes, just carelessness/improper training.
Anyway, because of this, I’ve had to try my wings at defending not only myself, but the workers on my shift. It’s a tough line to draw - defending your actions yet still being/staying respectful. I actually ended up getting into very loud arguments with some people last week. Then this week kind of started the same way. Luckily I didn’t have to answer for the other shifts’ mistakes because of how I handled myself last week when explaining that my workers spend the whole shift fixing the other shifts’ mistakes. I think we’re all on the same page now.
I go on leave in 16 days (not that I’m counting or anything). I haven’t been on leave in six months. Six months! This is a momentous occasion - it marks the last milestone before I get to be back Stateside. Once I’m stateside I won’t have to wait six months to see Adam, my family members or old friends. It’s much cheaper to fly from State to State than it is from Continent to Continent. I don’t think I’ll be quite as lonely for everyone I love.
I won’t bore you with any more details of my life. Maybe next time I’ll write a hypothetical, a story or something a little more interesting. So here’s to my uneventful life over the past few weeks - a waste of your time to read about it, but maybe just a little entertaining?
The Air Force is being nice enough to let me fly back Stateside on 22 August - the date I asked for. It’s a Friday. I’ve given myself an extra few days to get reacquainted with the area before having to head in to work to start in-processing at Tyndall. It’ll also give me a chance to go look at cars. I’ll get to hang out with friends I haven’t seen for three years. I’m beginning to look forward to it more than I thought I would.
I’m the shift boss this week (and I have been for the past two weeks, also). I’m not really liking it. The first week was pretty good - I didn’t make too many mistakes and I was told by someone I really respect that he thought I found my calling in the Aircraft Maintenance world of the USAF. That made me feel really good. Then the “stuff” hit the fan. The other two shifts (we work a 24-hr operation during the week) started making really stupid mistakes. But, because I was the one who had to tell the Shop Chief (big boss) about them, I was the one who got blamed/yelled at. No one was really being held accountable. And the person who should’ve been held accountable (but wasn’t) also wasn’t talking to his shift about the mistakes they were making. They weren’t really mistakes, just carelessness/improper training.
Anyway, because of this, I’ve had to try my wings at defending not only myself, but the workers on my shift. It’s a tough line to draw - defending your actions yet still being/staying respectful. I actually ended up getting into very loud arguments with some people last week. Then this week kind of started the same way. Luckily I didn’t have to answer for the other shifts’ mistakes because of how I handled myself last week when explaining that my workers spend the whole shift fixing the other shifts’ mistakes. I think we’re all on the same page now.
I go on leave in 16 days (not that I’m counting or anything). I haven’t been on leave in six months. Six months! This is a momentous occasion - it marks the last milestone before I get to be back Stateside. Once I’m stateside I won’t have to wait six months to see Adam, my family members or old friends. It’s much cheaper to fly from State to State than it is from Continent to Continent. I don’t think I’ll be quite as lonely for everyone I love.
I won’t bore you with any more details of my life. Maybe next time I’ll write a hypothetical, a story or something a little more interesting. So here’s to my uneventful life over the past few weeks - a waste of your time to read about it, but maybe just a little entertaining?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
a "rainy" day followed by a dose of sunshine
A lot has happened over the past week or so. Ok, maybe not a lot, but definitely some big things. For starters, I got into a car wreck on 2 May. I’ve made it almost three years living in England without a wreck. Then I go and wreck my favorite car (I only have one, but it’s definitely been my favorite of all the cars I’ve owned).
I could’ve died in that accident if it weren’t for my (very not normal) quick thinking behind the wheel. Cars in front of me slammed on their breaks because a van pulled out in front of a van two cars ahead of me. I didn’t have enough time to come to a full stop, so I swerved right (remember, I’m driving on the left side of the road since I live in England). Normally this would’ve been the right thing to do, but for some odd reason there was more traffic on this back road than normal. There were two or three cars headed straight towards me. I hurried up a swerved left to avoid a head-on collision. Somehow I managed to not hit the car that was in front of me, but I did rear end the van that got pulled out in front of.
My car is totaled. It’s so sad. But this accident has, in all actuality, saved me a lot of stress when I move back stateside in August. I now don’t have to worry about shipping my car back to the States. I don’t have to pay the super-expensive (although reimbursable) road tax, and I don’t have to worry about getting the annual inspection done. I also don’t have to rent a car for a month or so after I get to my next base before my car arrives. I can just go ahead and buy one as soon as I get there.
Speaking of my next base (and the dose of sunshine), I found out this past week that I’m going back to the Sunshine State. I’m going back to Tyndall AFB for (hopefully) the remainder of my military career. I wanted to go to our other base in Florida, but this one is good, too. I know exactly where I want to live, I have a church there already, and I have quite a few friends that I can’t wait to see again. Needless to say, I’m getting excited about going back.
So many of my family members and friends are planning on coming to visit me. I think Adam is going to fly down at least twice - once to visit and once to drive back up to Pennsylvania when I get out of the Air Force. The apartments I’m looking into renting cost less than half as much as my house now AND have more square footage!
Another good thing about this assignment is it means I’m just one more step closer to being close to Adam and the rest of my family. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. It also makes me miss Adam and my family even more. Sometimes it gets almost unbearable. But it’s worth it if it means that I get to be closer to everyone again.
These next three weeks will test my chops as a supervisor - I’m shift supervisor. I haven’t been a shift supervisor before, so it’ll be interesting. After these three weeks, I’ll work for just over a week and then go on leave for three weeks. I’m ready for a break.
I could’ve died in that accident if it weren’t for my (very not normal) quick thinking behind the wheel. Cars in front of me slammed on their breaks because a van pulled out in front of a van two cars ahead of me. I didn’t have enough time to come to a full stop, so I swerved right (remember, I’m driving on the left side of the road since I live in England). Normally this would’ve been the right thing to do, but for some odd reason there was more traffic on this back road than normal. There were two or three cars headed straight towards me. I hurried up a swerved left to avoid a head-on collision. Somehow I managed to not hit the car that was in front of me, but I did rear end the van that got pulled out in front of.
My car is totaled. It’s so sad. But this accident has, in all actuality, saved me a lot of stress when I move back stateside in August. I now don’t have to worry about shipping my car back to the States. I don’t have to pay the super-expensive (although reimbursable) road tax, and I don’t have to worry about getting the annual inspection done. I also don’t have to rent a car for a month or so after I get to my next base before my car arrives. I can just go ahead and buy one as soon as I get there.
Speaking of my next base (and the dose of sunshine), I found out this past week that I’m going back to the Sunshine State. I’m going back to Tyndall AFB for (hopefully) the remainder of my military career. I wanted to go to our other base in Florida, but this one is good, too. I know exactly where I want to live, I have a church there already, and I have quite a few friends that I can’t wait to see again. Needless to say, I’m getting excited about going back.
So many of my family members and friends are planning on coming to visit me. I think Adam is going to fly down at least twice - once to visit and once to drive back up to Pennsylvania when I get out of the Air Force. The apartments I’m looking into renting cost less than half as much as my house now AND have more square footage!
Another good thing about this assignment is it means I’m just one more step closer to being close to Adam and the rest of my family. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. It also makes me miss Adam and my family even more. Sometimes it gets almost unbearable. But it’s worth it if it means that I get to be closer to everyone again.
These next three weeks will test my chops as a supervisor - I’m shift supervisor. I haven’t been a shift supervisor before, so it’ll be interesting. After these three weeks, I’ll work for just over a week and then go on leave for three weeks. I’m ready for a break.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
turmoil & growing pains... worth it?
Things don't always go the way you plan them - the journey is usually much harder than planned. I think that's why, when things turn out the way you originally wanted them to, you appreciate the outcome even more than you would've otherwise.
I think that when a journey is longer and harder than planned, there's a certain amount of growth that happens, even if inadvertently. I've already seen a little bit of it in my own life. Making decisions can be hard - sometimes sticking with those decisions is even harder. I think that when one is forced to stand by their decisions, to support them, that's when the most growth takes place.
I don't know when I'm trying to make this so subjective... I'm talking about my life - this isn't a case study. So, let me try this again.
Over the past six years I've made some decisions that were probably not the best, and some that I know where right. I've had to live with the outcome of those decisions, even if it wasn't the outcome I originally wanted. But looking back, I'm ok with how things have turned out. My life has been a pretty good one so far.
Turmoil can be great... in that I mean that it can bring about great learning opportunities. Anyone who knows me will be the first to admit that I HATE turmoil - with a passion. But recently I've come to appreciate it. I've seen the effect that turmoil has had on me, and I like what it's doing to me. I'm becoming more willing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I'm becoming a stronger person at work, in my personal life and just in general.
So I guess all the growing I've done is worth the pain. I just wish it could be easier sometimes.
I think that when a journey is longer and harder than planned, there's a certain amount of growth that happens, even if inadvertently. I've already seen a little bit of it in my own life. Making decisions can be hard - sometimes sticking with those decisions is even harder. I think that when one is forced to stand by their decisions, to support them, that's when the most growth takes place.
I don't know when I'm trying to make this so subjective... I'm talking about my life - this isn't a case study. So, let me try this again.
Over the past six years I've made some decisions that were probably not the best, and some that I know where right. I've had to live with the outcome of those decisions, even if it wasn't the outcome I originally wanted. But looking back, I'm ok with how things have turned out. My life has been a pretty good one so far.
Turmoil can be great... in that I mean that it can bring about great learning opportunities. Anyone who knows me will be the first to admit that I HATE turmoil - with a passion. But recently I've come to appreciate it. I've seen the effect that turmoil has had on me, and I like what it's doing to me. I'm becoming more willing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I'm becoming a stronger person at work, in my personal life and just in general.
So I guess all the growing I've done is worth the pain. I just wish it could be easier sometimes.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
the calm before the storm
There was a thunderstorm last night - the first time I’ve heard/seen it storm here in the almost three years I’ve lived in England. There was no calm before the storm. The weather was bad, then it just got worse.
Yet there was something strangely calming about hearing the thunder, the wind and the rain pelting my bedroom window. It put me to sleep.
I miss thunderstorms. I love driving in them. I love standing inside and watching the storms (especially the lightning and the way the trees seems to dance in the wind). I love standing out in a rain storm.
The storm relaxed me in a way I haven’t been able to relax in awhile. How is it that something to “scary” can do so much to relax me? I would like some more storms, I think. They help me remember the beauty that is God’s creation. Sometimes I take the beauty of nature for granted. Storms remind me of who created nature…
Thank You for the reminder.
Yet there was something strangely calming about hearing the thunder, the wind and the rain pelting my bedroom window. It put me to sleep.
I miss thunderstorms. I love driving in them. I love standing inside and watching the storms (especially the lightning and the way the trees seems to dance in the wind). I love standing out in a rain storm.
The storm relaxed me in a way I haven’t been able to relax in awhile. How is it that something to “scary” can do so much to relax me? I would like some more storms, I think. They help me remember the beauty that is God’s creation. Sometimes I take the beauty of nature for granted. Storms remind me of who created nature…
Thank You for the reminder.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
my options (or, what i want vs. what will actually happen)
This may not come as a huge surprise to people who know me, but I hate change. Why would this be a surprise to those who don’t? I’m in the US Military - our lives are all about change. But what I hate most about change is when I can’t control it.
I love getting to live in new places but I HATE moving to new places. I’m not a fan of finding a new place to live, a new place to go to church and having to make new friends. Of course, I do love exploring the new place I live once I actually settle down, but I still would prefer not to move. Then again, not many people can say that they got to live in England for free for 3 years… the military does have its perks.
I have just found out the official list of places I could be stationed next… I could go to Idaho (not high on my “wants” list - this base has a pretty high suicide rate), or two bases in Florida (one of which I’ve already been to). I don’t want to be int he AF for just over 7 years and say that I’ve only been assigned to two different bases (not counting Technical Training).
Why don’t I want to go to Idaho? Well… I received an email from someone I worked with (who is now stationed there) who said that, if I get orders there, I should just consider getting out of the Air Force. Pretty bad, huh? I mean, I could get there and absolutely love it (apparently Boise is considered the safest city in the country). I could probably tough it out for the year I will be there, but I’d rather not find out. That brings me to another issue with Idaho: I will move to one side of the country (at the Air Force’s expense) to live there a year and then drive back to the East Coast (hopefully also at the Air Force’s expense). One thing I didn’t really consider when extended my enlistment was this: who will give me an 11-month or so lease? That was pretty stupid of me.
Anyway, on to Florida. I’ve been to Tyndall AFB (near Panama City, FL - the Spring Break capital of the US). I lived there for approximately 30 months. It’s not called the “Redneck Riviera” for nothing. The friends I made there were great and I loved my church there. I’m just not a huge fan of hurricanes. I think I lived through something like 7 hurricanes - and I came out completely unscathed (and with a little more money in my pockets). I’m just ready to see someplace new.
Eglin AFB is my other choice (not that I have a choice - I will be put where they want to put me). It’s a GINORMOUS base. I think it’s the largest Air Force Base in the world (as far as land-mass is concerned). It’s definitely in a nicer area than Tyndall and it has its own airport. I pretty much know the area. Plus they have an Electronic Warfare facility (it’s what I work on right now) that works on everything I love working on (using the equipment I currently use).
So those are my options. I wish I had some sort of control over where I was going. But such is the life of a member of the US Military. I’ve been very blessed with my assignments so far, I guess I could try to find the best in a potentially bad assignment for a year.
Then the countdown to being an almost-civilian begins.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
a death in the "family"
A friend’s mom just died. Point blank, no romanticizing. I can’t imagine the pain he will be going through once the death has been accepted (he is seemingly in some major denial). He’s a friend of mine through Karen…
I don’t even want to begin to consider what I will feel like when I have to go though similar circumstances. Will I be the strong one in the family? Will I take charge? Or will I be the one who just clams up and doesn’t accept it because I don’t want it to be true?
We’re all getting older, that can’t be hidden or denied. No one wants to think of the remote possibility that their parents will die some day. Yet something like this is a constant reminder. It helps me realize exactly how much I appreciate and love my parents, friends, family, etc. But do I really show it? Or am I one of those friends/sisters/girlfriends who lets everyone else shower me with emotion, but I don’t relate how I’m feeling - how much I love and appreciate them?
It’s times like these that I look back and really start to question the kind of person I’ve become. Not because I’m a bad person… but am I maybe a little too selfish? I look back at my life and try to find times where I did something completely without regard as to what it would get me in return. I don’t think I can think of a single time that’s happened. Maybe I need to be reminded.
Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize how good I have it. Maybe I need to start showing people I appreciate them, and not only after they do something for me.
Maybe…
I don’t even want to begin to consider what I will feel like when I have to go though similar circumstances. Will I be the strong one in the family? Will I take charge? Or will I be the one who just clams up and doesn’t accept it because I don’t want it to be true?
We’re all getting older, that can’t be hidden or denied. No one wants to think of the remote possibility that their parents will die some day. Yet something like this is a constant reminder. It helps me realize exactly how much I appreciate and love my parents, friends, family, etc. But do I really show it? Or am I one of those friends/sisters/girlfriends who lets everyone else shower me with emotion, but I don’t relate how I’m feeling - how much I love and appreciate them?
It’s times like these that I look back and really start to question the kind of person I’ve become. Not because I’m a bad person… but am I maybe a little too selfish? I look back at my life and try to find times where I did something completely without regard as to what it would get me in return. I don’t think I can think of a single time that’s happened. Maybe I need to be reminded.
Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize how good I have it. Maybe I need to start showing people I appreciate them, and not only after they do something for me.
Maybe…
Thursday, April 3, 2008
ants & three-day weekends
It's a three-day weekend for me. The first of two in a row (almost unheard of at this base lovingly referred to as "Lakenhell"). Pilots are allowed patches on their flight suits called "morale patches". One famous one from our base consists of two guys facing each other, one kicking the other in the groin. The text? "Lakenheath - morale stops here".
Believe it or not, it's true. That's what makes these little surprise/short notice three-day weekends so nice. If we don't know about them in advance, and they just happen, we really do feel like we're appreciated. At least I do.
There seem to be so many options when one is faced with multiple three-day weekends (or, heck, even just one three-day weekend). Unfortunately, I think mine will be spent being responsible - spring cleaning, do some much-needed dishes and laundry, etc.
I also need to call my landlady about my recent (aka happened this morning) ant infestation. No joke... it's nasty. There is a never-ending trail of ants front my front door to a wall inside my living room. The entryway into my living room is currently a black moving stream. I'm trying to keep the ants at bay with chili pepper (I don't have cayenne pepper - that works the best), and it seems to be working. At least right now.
I haven't seen Karen in what seems like decades. She might be staying over this weekend (although I still won't get to see much of her). She has a weekend-long class on Mildenhall, but even seeing her just after her classes is good enough for me. We're WAY overdue a shopping trip. She is my best friend here... Life seems kind of empty without her here for me to make a fool of myself with. She's a great stress reliever for me.
We'll see each other soon. And when we do, watch out Cambridge!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
tin foil and cats
So, in an effort to get more/better sleep every day, I decided to put tin foil on my bedroom windows to keep the sun out. Boy does it work! I have to keep my bedroom door open, though (for the boys to have easy access to their litter box), so there's still a good amount of sunlight in the room.
I always figured that the answer to my not-always-present sleeping problems was the sunlight. Not so, my friend, not so. I slept really well the first day or two with the foil on my windows. But now it seems my body is so used to trying to sleep with sunlight that I think it's rebelling against having actual darkness to work with.
Foil also seems to be a great insulator. If the room's cold when I go to bed, it's cold when I wake up. If the room's warm when I go to sleep, it's always warm when I wake up (sometimes to the point of discomfort). This foil idea is amazing, though. I got the idea from some of the guys I supervise. Of course, they live in the Dorms on base or have skylights in their rooms (if they live off-base), so their foil isn't quite as apparent. People expect that of the "dorm rats" on base. And the guy who lives off-base is lucky enough to have the skylight, so no one sees his foil. You can spot the foil on my windows from a mile away! Foil is apparently GREAT at reflecting sunlight.
I've recently learned exactly how attached I am becoming to Oscar & Ziggy. I had an unpleasant dream about them last night and I woke up crying. It also made me a little sick to my stomach (the circumstances in the dream, that is). I talk to them... we have conversations. Okay, Oscar and I have conversations. Ziggy just meows to imitate Oscar's "barking" and then stares at me blankly when I answer back.
They sleep with me... not so uncommon, right? Except for the fact that Oscar tends to sleep like a human. He snuggles up next to me, then is really restless until I cover him up with my blanket to mid-torso. He won't sleep if his arms or head are covered up. Sometimes he even sleeps on his back (much like humans). It's adorable. Ziggy couldn't care where or how he sleeps as long as he's comfortable. He usually sleeps either completely under the covers, down where my legs & hips meet, or on a pillow next to mine (if not on my own pillow, seemingly trying to smother me). The pillow next to mine (aka Ziggy's pillow) has some fake lamb's wool on it. It's something that my friend Kelly gave me when she was cat-sitting for me. Ziggy will only fall asleep for the night if he's touching someone or if he's on that silly pillow.
Such simple (sometimes complex) creatures, yet they give me so much joy. But they're not fans of the foil. They run away from it. I guess it makes too much noise for them.
I always figured that the answer to my not-always-present sleeping problems was the sunlight. Not so, my friend, not so. I slept really well the first day or two with the foil on my windows. But now it seems my body is so used to trying to sleep with sunlight that I think it's rebelling against having actual darkness to work with.
Foil also seems to be a great insulator. If the room's cold when I go to bed, it's cold when I wake up. If the room's warm when I go to sleep, it's always warm when I wake up (sometimes to the point of discomfort). This foil idea is amazing, though. I got the idea from some of the guys I supervise. Of course, they live in the Dorms on base or have skylights in their rooms (if they live off-base), so their foil isn't quite as apparent. People expect that of the "dorm rats" on base. And the guy who lives off-base is lucky enough to have the skylight, so no one sees his foil. You can spot the foil on my windows from a mile away! Foil is apparently GREAT at reflecting sunlight.
I've recently learned exactly how attached I am becoming to Oscar & Ziggy. I had an unpleasant dream about them last night and I woke up crying. It also made me a little sick to my stomach (the circumstances in the dream, that is). I talk to them... we have conversations. Okay, Oscar and I have conversations. Ziggy just meows to imitate Oscar's "barking" and then stares at me blankly when I answer back.
They sleep with me... not so uncommon, right? Except for the fact that Oscar tends to sleep like a human. He snuggles up next to me, then is really restless until I cover him up with my blanket to mid-torso. He won't sleep if his arms or head are covered up. Sometimes he even sleeps on his back (much like humans). It's adorable. Ziggy couldn't care where or how he sleeps as long as he's comfortable. He usually sleeps either completely under the covers, down where my legs & hips meet, or on a pillow next to mine (if not on my own pillow, seemingly trying to smother me). The pillow next to mine (aka Ziggy's pillow) has some fake lamb's wool on it. It's something that my friend Kelly gave me when she was cat-sitting for me. Ziggy will only fall asleep for the night if he's touching someone or if he's on that silly pillow.
Such simple (sometimes complex) creatures, yet they give me so much joy. But they're not fans of the foil. They run away from it. I guess it makes too much noise for them.
Monday, January 7, 2008
soul-searching
I feel like writing. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about saying it. This seems to be happening to me a lot, lately. I'm so full of things to say, there's so much I want to share... but I can't.
I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.
I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?
I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.
I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?
Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.
I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.
So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.
I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.
I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.
I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?
I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.
I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?
Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.
I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.
So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.
I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
decision-making
I think I've finally decided what I want to do when my enlistment is up. I want to go Guard... possibly into Aviation (or Operations) Resource Management. Hopefully I can. Now I need to decide if I want to get out of Active Duty early or if I want to wait until my actual enlistment is up. I just don't know. AND I need to find a base that's willing to accept my application... and pray that it's one I want to go to. I'd love to end up somewhere in PA. There's also a base in D.C. that supposedly has an opening. But D.C. is a really expensive place to live. I don't know.
You might ask what brought this on. Well, it's the fact that I can retrain into anything I want to. I want out of Aircraft Maintenance (even though I love it). I want out of it because I'll end up behind a desk. I'm already behind a desk, and I'm not a huge fan of it (at least not in the maintenance world). if I'm going to be behind a desk I want it to be because I am trained for a desk job. Maybe it's selfish, but I've got to like what I'm doing, right?
I want to go Guard because I love the military - and I love the job security. I just don't want to move my family around every 4 years or so, or get stuck at a base I don't want to be at. Amazing, my parents are actually behind me this time, which is really exciting. And Adam's willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together. I just really want to be closer to my family. And Adam. And this is one good way to make it work.
You might ask what brought this on. Well, it's the fact that I can retrain into anything I want to. I want out of Aircraft Maintenance (even though I love it). I want out of it because I'll end up behind a desk. I'm already behind a desk, and I'm not a huge fan of it (at least not in the maintenance world). if I'm going to be behind a desk I want it to be because I am trained for a desk job. Maybe it's selfish, but I've got to like what I'm doing, right?
I want to go Guard because I love the military - and I love the job security. I just don't want to move my family around every 4 years or so, or get stuck at a base I don't want to be at. Amazing, my parents are actually behind me this time, which is really exciting. And Adam's willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together. I just really want to be closer to my family. And Adam. And this is one good way to make it work.
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