a righteous anger

I have a lot to write, but let’s just suffice it to say I’m mad. Truly, genuinely, good and mad. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’m not hurt, I’m not emotionally scarred. I’m just mad. And I need to write about it.

This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.

I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?

This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.

But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…

the hard "no"

“I’m sorry. You’re a super wonderful guy… but no.”

This has been happening to me a lot lately… I’ve had to say the hard “no”, on average, at least once a month since becoming single again back in August. But it all seems to be concentrated into the past 2 months or so. Is this God’s way of telling me I’m ready to date again? Or is it just that the guys I’m around see something they like and they go for it? The hard thing is that, lately, it’s been nothing but great guys doing the asking. But they’re all wrong for me in some way, shape or form.

I don’t consider myself too picky, I just know what I want and, more importantly, what I need. One of my past boyfriends was actually 85% what I need. He knew how to handle my neurotic tendencies. He knew how to handle my anger (and the fact that, when I fly off the handle, he needed to get ready for a pretty wild and lengthy ride). He knew how to make me laugh, how to make me genuinely happy. So, in a way, I’m looking for another him. But in a totally different way. I now know mostly what I need… I’m just narrowing down the rest of it and the “what I want”. I was walking with a friend of mine the other day and I actually created an almost complete list of what I know I need. But I’m not going to list that here. Face it - blogs are personal enough, but the list is a little too personal to broadcast on the internet. God knows what’s included on that list and and He’ll provide exactly what I need and want - maybe even throw in a few surprises, too!

I’m not going to lie. I’m ready to date again. But I’m not actively looking. I’m not also looking at every guy I meet thinking, “Hmm, he’d be a great guy to date. He should ask me out.” It’s just not happening. God will bring me who I’m supposed to be with. And he’s going to be great. This is the longest length of time I’ve been single in a long time and I’m actually enjoying it. For awhile I was afraid that I’d be one of those people who couldn’t be alone. But look at me - 8 months or so and I’m still going strong. When I was younger I used to wonder if every guy I met was “the one”. Now I just see these guys as potential friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to date someone. But I only want to date someone when it’s right that I do. Nothing forced. Nothing read into anything that’s been said or done on the fly. I want to be excited, to be comfortable, to be open to opening myself up again.

So thank you. Thank you for the flattering invitations. But I’m waiting. I’m waiting for the guy who breaks the mold.

a change in view

I’ve recently been an indirect witness to some pretty major legal proceedings. Normally no big deal, right? Well it’s different when you know the entire story - when you know the people involved, the effects the situation has had on the people involved… the family histories, personal histories, personalities involved, etc.

I used to think that I had my opinions of crime & punishment all figured out. Black was black and white was white. And it is that way - in a perfect world: a world where no morality is involved, a world where humanity is not taken into consideration. Now the obvious black and white areas seem to have merged into one huge grey area. Prison sentences now seem harsh (to a certain extent). Probation/community service seem to be the way to go - but is it right to err on the side of caution? The death penalty used to seem pretty cut-and-dry. Not so much anymore. Exactly what do the judge/jury take into account before imposing the death penalty? Does personal opinion carry any weight on their decisions at all?

How long will this new point of view last? Will this change be a forever type of change, or just a passing fancy? Will I be able to apply what I’ve learned to everyday situations or will I just let it go by the wayside? Why have I been given this look into humanity? Will there come a time in life when I will need to make a life-or-death decision, weighing all the facts, not just my personal opinions?

It’s a lot to chew on. But maybe, just maybe it’ll help me change this world for the better.

a new spin on this holiday season

It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.

It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.

I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).

Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.

I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.

Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.

I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):

7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.

Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.

the calm before the storm

There was a thunderstorm last night - the first time I’ve heard/seen it storm here in the almost three years I’ve lived in England. There was no calm before the storm. The weather was bad, then it just got worse.

Yet there was something strangely calming about hearing the thunder, the wind and the rain pelting my bedroom window. It put me to sleep.

I miss thunderstorms. I love driving in them. I love standing inside and watching the storms (especially the lightning and the way the trees seems to dance in the wind). I love standing out in a rain storm.

The storm relaxed me in a way I haven’t been able to relax in awhile. How is it that something to “scary” can do so much to relax me? I would like some more storms, I think. They help me remember the beauty that is God’s creation. Sometimes I take the beauty of nature for granted. Storms remind me of who created nature…

Thank You for the reminder.

a death in the "family"

A friend’s mom just died. Point blank, no romanticizing. I can’t imagine the pain he will be going through once the death has been accepted (he is seemingly in some major denial). He’s a friend of mine through Karen…

I don’t even want to begin to consider what I will feel like when I have to go though similar circumstances. Will I be the strong one in the family? Will I take charge? Or will I be the one who just clams up and doesn’t accept it because I don’t want it to be true?

We’re all getting older, that can’t be hidden or denied. No one wants to think of the remote possibility that their parents will die some day. Yet something like this is a constant reminder. It helps me realize exactly how much I appreciate and love my parents, friends, family, etc. But do I really show it? Or am I one of those friends/sisters/girlfriends who lets everyone else shower me with emotion, but I don’t relate how I’m feeling - how much I love and appreciate them?

It’s times like these that I look back and really start to question the kind of person I’ve become. Not because I’m a bad person… but am I maybe a little too selfish? I look back at my life and try to find times where I did something completely without regard as to what it would get me in return. I don’t think I can think of a single time that’s happened. Maybe I need to be reminded.

Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize how good I have it. Maybe I need to start showing people I appreciate them, and not only after they do something for me.

Maybe…

soul-searching

I feel like writing. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about saying it. This seems to be happening to me a lot, lately. I'm so full of things to say, there's so much I want to share... but I can't.

I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.

I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?

I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.

I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?

Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.

I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.

So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.

I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.