a righteous anger

I have a lot to write, but let’s just suffice it to say I’m mad. Truly, genuinely, good and mad. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’m not hurt, I’m not emotionally scarred. I’m just mad. And I need to write about it.

This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.

I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?

This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.

But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…

"blah" moods, among other things

I'm in a "blah" mood. But how would I explain what I feel like? Is a mood dependent on a person's personality? I guess this is kind of like the question "Do you see a shade of green the same way I see that same shade of green?" Are they the same color? I know that people respond differently to moods depending on their personalities... so I ask you, is my "blah" mood the same as yours?

I've been in quite a few "blah" moods lately. I know why, and I'm sure they won't go away any time soon. But it would be nice. It seems like when it rains, it pours. When one thing (seemingly the worst thing in the world) happens, something worse inevitably is around the corner (ok, I know it's not really like that, but let me be a pessimist for just a little while). I've run into that recently. And the sad thing is that I can't do anything about it but wait out the mood/the feelings. I can pray about it, but in the end it's all about playing the "hurry up and wait" game. Definitely not my favorite past time. I'd rather play the "take your time, enjoy the journey and get there happily" game. That one's definitely more fun - and seemingly more rewarding. But, if you think about it, it's not. There's a reason to play "hurry up and wait", and it's usually for the betterment of myself. I hate getting better at something. That's when there's the most pain, I think.

I've been thinking about my reactions to people and people's reactions to me recently. Why do people make others feel stupid? I know that whether I feel stupid is dependent on my point of view/acceptance of one's opinions, but why even try? I know I'm guilty of this. Maybe inadvertently, but it happens. Looking back I always feel bad and I try to apologize. But how do I apologize for making someone feel stupid? The apology, in and of itself, is almost like a putdown ("I'm sorry for making you feel stupid"). To me, that seems like I'm saying "I know I'm smarter than you are, but I'm sorry for helping you realize it."

I've found that when I'm in a "blah" mood, I don't want to do anything. And when I say "anything", I mean anything. Having plans with friends doesn't matter. Needing to clean the house doesn't matter. Heck, even being hungry doesn't seem to matter. I'm in this mood, and I'm gonna stay in it. I know there are things I can do to break it, but sometimes I just enjoy the sweet melancholy of my "blah" mood. I get so wrapped up in it that I completely forget why I'm in this mood in the first place. Maybe that's what I do with things I don't want to deal with - I get in this mood so that I can forget about them and enjoy the misery of my mood (regardless of what caused it).

Hmm... the things that come out in blogs.