a righteous anger

I have a lot to write, but let’s just suffice it to say I’m mad. Truly, genuinely, good and mad. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’m not hurt, I’m not emotionally scarred. I’m just mad. And I need to write about it.

This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.

I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?

This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.

But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…

a waste of your time

It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything. No good reason, I’ve just been lazy. I had originally wanted to update this blog every other day (to show I’m not totally addicted), but that got to be a bit much. Not because nothing has been happening, but because I don’t ever think that anything that happens to me is interesting enough to write about.

The Air Force is being nice enough to let me fly back Stateside on 22 August - the date I asked for. It’s a Friday. I’ve given myself an extra few days to get reacquainted with the area before having to head in to work to start in-processing at Tyndall. It’ll also give me a chance to go look at cars. I’ll get to hang out with friends I haven’t seen for three years. I’m beginning to look forward to it more than I thought I would.

I’m the shift boss this week (and I have been for the past two weeks, also). I’m not really liking it. The first week was pretty good - I didn’t make too many mistakes and I was told by someone I really respect that he thought I found my calling in the Aircraft Maintenance world of the USAF. That made me feel really good. Then the “stuff” hit the fan. The other two shifts (we work a 24-hr operation during the week) started making really stupid mistakes. But, because I was the one who had to tell the Shop Chief (big boss) about them, I was the one who got blamed/yelled at. No one was really being held accountable. And the person who should’ve been held accountable (but wasn’t) also wasn’t talking to his shift about the mistakes they were making. They weren’t really mistakes, just carelessness/improper training.

Anyway, because of this, I’ve had to try my wings at defending not only myself, but the workers on my shift. It’s a tough line to draw - defending your actions yet still being/staying respectful. I actually ended up getting into very loud arguments with some people last week. Then this week kind of started the same way. Luckily I didn’t have to answer for the other shifts’ mistakes because of how I handled myself last week when explaining that my workers spend the whole shift fixing the other shifts’ mistakes. I think we’re all on the same page now.

I go on leave in 16 days (not that I’m counting or anything). I haven’t been on leave in six months. Six months! This is a momentous occasion - it marks the last milestone before I get to be back Stateside. Once I’m stateside I won’t have to wait six months to see Adam, my family members or old friends. It’s much cheaper to fly from State to State than it is from Continent to Continent. I don’t think I’ll be quite as lonely for everyone I love.

I won’t bore you with any more details of my life. Maybe next time I’ll write a hypothetical, a story or something a little more interesting. So here’s to my uneventful life over the past few weeks - a waste of your time to read about it, but maybe just a little entertaining?

trying to be cool

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm, like, in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.
-- Juno

You may ask why this is at the beginning of my blog. Well, I'll tell you.


There seems to be a lot of emphasis on being cool... especially on those who don't seem to try. How is it that these people just know how to be cool while the rest of us seem lost on the way to finding "cool"? Little do we know, however, that the people we think don't try actually try the hardest. I'll be the first to admit - I do try to be cool. I don't know if it works, but I have friends so I must not be that far off the mark. But why do we try so hard? Is anyone able to continuously live up to the definition of "cool"?

I was recently told that I'm respected. This totally made my day. I'm not sure why it felt so good to hear it - I see the evidence of it every day. Maybe it was just because someone confirmed what I thought was going on... and it was a happy moment for me. People recognize that I'm doing good things. It's nice to get that little bit of recognition.

Anyway, back to being cool... does "cool" just come naturally, or do we all work really hard at being cool in our own way? How can so many people have such different definitions of cool? There were the jocks at school, the nerds, the band geeks, the independent crowd, the artsy crowd, etc... by their own definitions, they were all cool to a certain extent.

Maybe being cool is actually your own acceptance of yourself. Once you like yourself enough to accept who and what you are, then you are cool.