a righteous anger

I have a lot to write, but let’s just suffice it to say I’m mad. Truly, genuinely, good and mad. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’m not hurt, I’m not emotionally scarred. I’m just mad. And I need to write about it.

This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.

I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?

This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.

But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…

the hard "no"

“I’m sorry. You’re a super wonderful guy… but no.”

This has been happening to me a lot lately… I’ve had to say the hard “no”, on average, at least once a month since becoming single again back in August. But it all seems to be concentrated into the past 2 months or so. Is this God’s way of telling me I’m ready to date again? Or is it just that the guys I’m around see something they like and they go for it? The hard thing is that, lately, it’s been nothing but great guys doing the asking. But they’re all wrong for me in some way, shape or form.

I don’t consider myself too picky, I just know what I want and, more importantly, what I need. One of my past boyfriends was actually 85% what I need. He knew how to handle my neurotic tendencies. He knew how to handle my anger (and the fact that, when I fly off the handle, he needed to get ready for a pretty wild and lengthy ride). He knew how to make me laugh, how to make me genuinely happy. So, in a way, I’m looking for another him. But in a totally different way. I now know mostly what I need… I’m just narrowing down the rest of it and the “what I want”. I was walking with a friend of mine the other day and I actually created an almost complete list of what I know I need. But I’m not going to list that here. Face it - blogs are personal enough, but the list is a little too personal to broadcast on the internet. God knows what’s included on that list and and He’ll provide exactly what I need and want - maybe even throw in a few surprises, too!

I’m not going to lie. I’m ready to date again. But I’m not actively looking. I’m not also looking at every guy I meet thinking, “Hmm, he’d be a great guy to date. He should ask me out.” It’s just not happening. God will bring me who I’m supposed to be with. And he’s going to be great. This is the longest length of time I’ve been single in a long time and I’m actually enjoying it. For awhile I was afraid that I’d be one of those people who couldn’t be alone. But look at me - 8 months or so and I’m still going strong. When I was younger I used to wonder if every guy I met was “the one”. Now I just see these guys as potential friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to date someone. But I only want to date someone when it’s right that I do. Nothing forced. Nothing read into anything that’s been said or done on the fly. I want to be excited, to be comfortable, to be open to opening myself up again.

So thank you. Thank you for the flattering invitations. But I’m waiting. I’m waiting for the guy who breaks the mold.

Awake!

Awake!
Originally uploaded by Jay Arpin

I've come to realize something - I'm happy with where I'm at. I love my friends. I love where I live. I love my church. My job is great (even if it's time for a change) - you couldn't get better benefits. I'm actually pretty content with where I'm at emotionally. I can't explain it - it's just something that came on me after church today. I was standing around with my friends, talking about where we were going for lunch, and I just felt happy. There's no other word for it, really.

I kind of fell in love with my friends all over again. There's something so special about all of them, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not even sure what's made me so content.

But I do know this - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. It's refreshing. It's like walking out on a wintry morning, feeling that first blast of crisp cold air.

truth in twilight

The last time I wanted to write, I decided that I would write about what I was feeling at that time - very confused, not sure what I should have been feeling. I was going to write about jealousy, emptiness and extreme loneliness.

I was going to write about what I thought I was missing, from what seemed like a “loser’s” viewpoint. Not anymore.

What brought on this change? Believe it or not (and this is probably going to sound really stupid), I went to see Twilight on a whim last night. My friend and I wanted to go see a movie, and it was the only movie that wasn’t 2+ hours long. Believe me, I was skeptical. I’ve never liked vampires, let alone vampire movies. But, strangely, seeing the movie changed something inside me.

It’s, honestly, the first time I’ve felt a tangible longing. I’ve longed to see my family, my friends, my loved ones. But I’ve never physically felt a longing. It’s like it’s a desire, a craving that I can’t just turn away from. I’m not sure what to do with this new tangible longing, but hopefully it’ll be met/filled soon.

That’s really all I have to say right now. There’s really no way to explain any of this to anyone reading this without watering it down, so I’m not going to try.

That’s all.

a new spin on this holiday season

It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.

It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.

I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).

Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.

I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.

Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.

I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):

7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.

Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.

nerves, excitation, anticipation - topics revisited

I’m getting sentimental, giddy, excited, nervous and impatient… all at the same time. A lot of you know that I’ve been counting down the days until I go on leave Stateside (to see Adam & my family). After six long months, it’s finally here. I’m going on leave THIS THURSDAY!!!! It seems almost too good to be true.

I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of how things are going to be (even though everyone seems to have romanticized expectations when being reunited with a loved one - I think it’s human nature). I do have one expectation though - that Adam will beat me to the airport. If he does, it’ll be the first time in three visits… I can’t wait to see him: to see his face, to hug him, to kiss him, just to be near him. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime, experienced a lifetime of love, heart-ache and happiness since I’ve seen him. I know we’ve both grown so much in the past six months.

You ever get the fear that how someone sees you in their mind is what they remember of seeing you last time - but only the good parts? Almost like looking at you through rose-colored glasses… I think that’s why I’m nervous this time. I know I need work. I’m definitely not perfect. If I’ve learned/come to better understand anything in the past six months, it’s been that. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid that Adam will expect to see me as he wants me to be, and then be crushed when I’m not that person. That’s totally ridiculous, though. I know that he loves me for who I am, but the fear still exists (again, more human nature).

I have a lot of people to meet/re-meet/get to know in the few short days I’ll be in Lancaster. That also kind of worries me. Adam’s spent the past year building me up to them - what if I don’t meet their expectations? I know that doesn’t matter, but I desperately want his friends to like me. Not enough to change who I am, but enough to be nervous. Oh well. I guess I’ll worry about that if the situation arises.

So, yeah… this time next week I’ll be in the States. I’ll actually be getting ready to see my parents for the first time in six months, also. There are nerves there, too. There always are.

I’ve been really blessed for the past three years… I have amazing friends, a great church, and an actually not-so-bad job. I’m definitely going to miss this place. The thought of leaving tears my heart out. Not so much the thought of leaving the base and the job, but of leaving the people and the country. This visit home is just another step towards leaving. So in that respect, I’m dreading it. But I won’t let that damper my excitement or the fun I’ll have while I’m there.

I just need to learn to take everything one step at a time.

a "rainy" day followed by a dose of sunshine

A lot has happened over the past week or so. Ok, maybe not a lot, but definitely some big things. For starters, I got into a car wreck on 2 May. I’ve made it almost three years living in England without a wreck. Then I go and wreck my favorite car (I only have one, but it’s definitely been my favorite of all the cars I’ve owned).

I could’ve died in that accident if it weren’t for my (very not normal) quick thinking behind the wheel. Cars in front of me slammed on their breaks because a van pulled out in front of a van two cars ahead of me. I didn’t have enough time to come to a full stop, so I swerved right (remember, I’m driving on the left side of the road since I live in England). Normally this would’ve been the right thing to do, but for some odd reason there was more traffic on this back road than normal. There were two or three cars headed straight towards me. I hurried up a swerved left to avoid a head-on collision. Somehow I managed to not hit the car that was in front of me, but I did rear end the van that got pulled out in front of.

My car is totaled. It’s so sad. But this accident has, in all actuality, saved me a lot of stress when I move back stateside in August. I now don’t have to worry about shipping my car back to the States. I don’t have to pay the super-expensive (although reimbursable) road tax, and I don’t have to worry about getting the annual inspection done. I also don’t have to rent a car for a month or so after I get to my next base before my car arrives. I can just go ahead and buy one as soon as I get there.

Speaking of my next base (and the dose of sunshine), I found out this past week that I’m going back to the Sunshine State. I’m going back to Tyndall AFB for (hopefully) the remainder of my military career. I wanted to go to our other base in Florida, but this one is good, too. I know exactly where I want to live, I have a church there already, and I have quite a few friends that I can’t wait to see again. Needless to say, I’m getting excited about going back.

So many of my family members and friends are planning on coming to visit me. I think Adam is going to fly down at least twice - once to visit and once to drive back up to Pennsylvania when I get out of the Air Force. The apartments I’m looking into renting cost less than half as much as my house now AND have more square footage!

Another good thing about this assignment is it means I’m just one more step closer to being close to Adam and the rest of my family. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. It also makes me miss Adam and my family even more. Sometimes it gets almost unbearable. But it’s worth it if it means that I get to be closer to everyone again.

These next three weeks will test my chops as a supervisor - I’m shift supervisor. I haven’t been a shift supervisor before, so it’ll be interesting. After these three weeks, I’ll work for just over a week and then go on leave for three weeks. I’m ready for a break.

a death in the "family"

A friend’s mom just died. Point blank, no romanticizing. I can’t imagine the pain he will be going through once the death has been accepted (he is seemingly in some major denial). He’s a friend of mine through Karen…

I don’t even want to begin to consider what I will feel like when I have to go though similar circumstances. Will I be the strong one in the family? Will I take charge? Or will I be the one who just clams up and doesn’t accept it because I don’t want it to be true?

We’re all getting older, that can’t be hidden or denied. No one wants to think of the remote possibility that their parents will die some day. Yet something like this is a constant reminder. It helps me realize exactly how much I appreciate and love my parents, friends, family, etc. But do I really show it? Or am I one of those friends/sisters/girlfriends who lets everyone else shower me with emotion, but I don’t relate how I’m feeling - how much I love and appreciate them?

It’s times like these that I look back and really start to question the kind of person I’ve become. Not because I’m a bad person… but am I maybe a little too selfish? I look back at my life and try to find times where I did something completely without regard as to what it would get me in return. I don’t think I can think of a single time that’s happened. Maybe I need to be reminded.

Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize how good I have it. Maybe I need to start showing people I appreciate them, and not only after they do something for me.

Maybe…

thoughts on (perceived) Human Nature

Everyone says that it’s “human nature” to do good things… but is it, really? Believe you me, I’m the type of person who tries to find the good in everything and everyone, but there are just some times when it’s impossible to do. If it’s human nature to do good, why do we all have this strong propensity to do bad things? Is the temptation just too much to deal with, so we have to give in? Or is it that we really do want to do bad, but we just stifle those wants and desires because we know they’re not right?

A friend of mine, when asked the question, told me that he thinks it’s human nature “to do whatever it takes to survive (i.e. kill, eat another person, whatever)”. I’d like to think this isn’t true, yet to some degree I know it is. This world we live in isn’t called a “dog eat dog” world for nothing.

He also brought up another point - we all have different views on what is bad. How can our society, which seems to know right from wrong, have such differing views? For example: down South (back in the day) it was perfectly alright, to some extent, for someone to lynch a black person. Perhaps for no other reason than for the fact that said black person looked at them “the wrong way”. Yet, up North, that would have been completely unacceptable.

Watch Primetime TV today - how many shows, to some extent, glorify murder or drug use? Sure, the murder may have been committed with “good intentions”, but does that make it any more right than, say, a serial killer’s many murders? Do we, as a society, teach our young ones that killing someone really isn’t as bad as the law makes it out to be?

It seems to me that Hollywood may play a major roll in this viewpoint. For example, how many movies can you name that have absolutely no killing or reference to killing someone in it/them (without that movie being labeled a “family movie”)? Now, how many movies can you name that have at least one death from unnatural causes? Is that number larger than the first? Sure, the MPAA tries to shield our children/teens from this type of “entertainment” by giving these movies a PG-13 or higher rating, but what good does that really do?

I remember back when Saving Private Ryan first came out. My sisters and I really wanted to see it, but I wasn’t quite 17. I got into the movie theater with a signed note (yes, the note was authentic) from my parents stating that it was ok for me to see this rated R movie. One thing I remember (probably the only thing) from that experience was seeing grown men (some in their 60’s) crying while watching the war/action scenes. I realize that some of this was because the movie brought back memories that these men had fought for years to suppress. But, now as I look back, I can’t help but remember that not one person under the age of 30 seemed to be bothered by the graphic violence/death scenes. My sisters and I seemed the be the only people under the age of 30 who were visually upset by the slow, painful death of one of the characters when a dagger was very slowly, very deliberately shoved into his heart by a German soldier (who seemed to be performing the act out of revenge - he seemed completely blind to the fact that he was taking a sacred human life). Has modern society become so anesthetized towards death that death only bothers us when it effects us personally?

I’d like to think that my human nature is to do good. But, then again, I don’t really know. There are some days where doing what’s right is the least of my worries. So why do I do what’s right? Because I’m afraid of the consequences. Are consequences the only thing that keep us from killing everyone off? If so, we’re really no different than the animals in the wild. We’ve been given a capacity to love, to know the different of right from wrong. If we, as humans, have been given this precious gift, I’d like to think we’re using it. For the most part, I think we’re doing a good job. But is it because we are truly good or because we’re denying what seems to be this thing called Human Nature?

when you want to be closer

Have you ever noticed that, no matter how much you may miss someone at any given time, you always want to be nearer when they're going through a trying time (surgery, death of a loved one, hard times in general)?

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it seems that trials make the heart grow "fonderer"... those trials make the separation that much harder to bear.

What makes us, as humans, need to be near someone we love who is hurting? I know there the whole "we're human, we have the capacity to love and the need to nurture" answer, but is there something else? I can see a commercial on TV for the "Sponsor our Children" organizations, and my heart will ache for the people in the commercials. But, normally, once the commercial is off the screen (or I'm just plain distracted by something else), those people are completely out of my mind. Yet it seems that nothing can remove someone I know from my mind when they're going through something that may put a strain on their day-to-day life.

Why is it that some people can ache for people they don't know... ache enough to leave everything they know and love to help care for these people, to show them the only love they may ever know? Why is it that, for some people (sadly, myself included), we get caught up in the whirlwind of excitement that comes with sponsoring a child we've never met, but once it becomes part of everyday life, we tend to put that on the back burner? I'm terribly guilty of this, no matter how hard I try to stay excited about it.

But I've gotten off-track.

I've noticed since moving away from my family/loved ones that I miss them most either when I've just left them or when I know I'm going to see them soon. This time that missing them seems almost unbearable. My days are brighter because I know I'm seeing Adam and my family in almost less than 2 months, but they are also a little darker (at the same time, strangely) because I know that no matter how much I want to be with them now, I have to wait.

What brought on my writing this? Well, I'm sure Adam won't mind my telling you... he's getting his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. They're all impacted. I would give anything to be there with him, to try and help him feel just a little better when the pain starts. I know I won't really be able to do anything to help, but for me (and maybe this is selfish), just being there, sitting in a room with him would be better than the options I currently have.

At least this is the (hopefully) only surgery that I won't be able to take care of him afterwards. I look forward to the day when I'll be able to drop anything to be with Adam, my sisters or the rest of my family & friends when they're going through a rough time.

Yes, I do want to be closer. Much closer.

trying to be cool

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm, like, in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.
-- Juno

You may ask why this is at the beginning of my blog. Well, I'll tell you.


There seems to be a lot of emphasis on being cool... especially on those who don't seem to try. How is it that these people just know how to be cool while the rest of us seem lost on the way to finding "cool"? Little do we know, however, that the people we think don't try actually try the hardest. I'll be the first to admit - I do try to be cool. I don't know if it works, but I have friends so I must not be that far off the mark. But why do we try so hard? Is anyone able to continuously live up to the definition of "cool"?

I was recently told that I'm respected. This totally made my day. I'm not sure why it felt so good to hear it - I see the evidence of it every day. Maybe it was just because someone confirmed what I thought was going on... and it was a happy moment for me. People recognize that I'm doing good things. It's nice to get that little bit of recognition.

Anyway, back to being cool... does "cool" just come naturally, or do we all work really hard at being cool in our own way? How can so many people have such different definitions of cool? There were the jocks at school, the nerds, the band geeks, the independent crowd, the artsy crowd, etc... by their own definitions, they were all cool to a certain extent.

Maybe being cool is actually your own acceptance of yourself. Once you like yourself enough to accept who and what you are, then you are cool.

soul-searching

I feel like writing. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about saying it. This seems to be happening to me a lot, lately. I'm so full of things to say, there's so much I want to share... but I can't.

I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.

I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?

I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.

I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?

Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.

I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.

So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.

I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.