a righteous anger

I have a lot to write, but let’s just suffice it to say I’m mad. Truly, genuinely, good and mad. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’m not hurt, I’m not emotionally scarred. I’m just mad. And I need to write about it.

This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.

I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?

This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.

But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…

a change in view

I’ve recently been an indirect witness to some pretty major legal proceedings. Normally no big deal, right? Well it’s different when you know the entire story - when you know the people involved, the effects the situation has had on the people involved… the family histories, personal histories, personalities involved, etc.

I used to think that I had my opinions of crime & punishment all figured out. Black was black and white was white. And it is that way - in a perfect world: a world where no morality is involved, a world where humanity is not taken into consideration. Now the obvious black and white areas seem to have merged into one huge grey area. Prison sentences now seem harsh (to a certain extent). Probation/community service seem to be the way to go - but is it right to err on the side of caution? The death penalty used to seem pretty cut-and-dry. Not so much anymore. Exactly what do the judge/jury take into account before imposing the death penalty? Does personal opinion carry any weight on their decisions at all?

How long will this new point of view last? Will this change be a forever type of change, or just a passing fancy? Will I be able to apply what I’ve learned to everyday situations or will I just let it go by the wayside? Why have I been given this look into humanity? Will there come a time in life when I will need to make a life-or-death decision, weighing all the facts, not just my personal opinions?

It’s a lot to chew on. But maybe, just maybe it’ll help me change this world for the better.

the Giant is not a Giant anymore...

There's something amazingly refreshing about winning a "fight" when you know that what you stand for is right. The individuals I was fighting against are people I've been fighting against for most of my career. Well, they symbolize all of those people anyway. I can't go into the specifics of what went on, but let me tell you that I fought the good fight (as short-lived as it was). I was indeed stuck between a rock and a hard place. It seemed like no one would take up my side with me. I thought I was going to have to face this Giant alone.

Boy was I wrong.

I knew what I had to do, but I almost let people make me feel bad for choosing to do what I know is right. These people seemingly tried to use their status to bully me into doing what they wanted me to do. All the while making it look like the decision they told me they wanted me to make would be my own.

Today I became a conqueror. Maybe not in a HUGE sense, but in a sense that even the little guy can win sometimes. I am that little man - and I am a conqueror because of it. Not only was I right, but everyone else agreed with me (but I didn't know that at the time).

Now, I don't want to make it sound like I'm infallible or that I think too highly of myself... I'm not and I definitely don't. But the freedom that comes from making the right decision, and to having people back you up, is amazing.

Why are we so afraid to stand up against those we think are better than us? Maybe not better, but those that we perceive to control our collective fates? I've always been afraid to stick up for myself towards certain people, to stand up for something I know is right (but only towards those same certain people). As it turns out, these people make bad decisions, too. Somehow, knowing that (and being directly effected by that) makes it so much easier to stand up when I have to.

I don't know - maybe this isn't making any sense. Maybe this will inspire some of you to make decisions that are in the wings, waiting to be made. Maybe knowing that someone as small as myself, as seemingly insignificant in this huge game called life can make a difference will help.

I just wanted to share my elatedness with you... thanks for sharing in my joy.