a holiday season prayer

I’m sitting in the airport in Atlanta – delayed. I’ve just been “home” for 4 days, visiting family – finally getting to be a close-up Aunt instead of a far-away Aunt. Having Thanksgiving dinner with most of my family. Celebrating an early Christmas with most of my family. It’s always times like these that make me realize exactly how hard it is to live my life.

Granted, I’m not in any major danger. I don’t put my life on the line daily. There are MANY nobler jobs than mine. But I do live a day’s drive away from my family. And for a nuclear family girl like myself, that’s hard. It seems to get harder every time I see my parents, my sisters, my brothers-in-law, my nieces and my nephews. My nieces and nephews always have these new little nuances that have shown up in their personalities. It’s always time to go right as they’re opening up to me – as they’re welcoming me into their lives. And that is hard.

I’m in Atlanta and there are people rushing past me – business people, family people, military people, kids, moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, friends – you get the picture. There’s a pilot sitting directly across from me and my first thought wasn’t, “Wow, I wonder if he enjoys his job?” My first thought was, “I wonder when he last got to spend quality time with his family?” Why is it that the Holiday Season always brings thoughts of families to mind? We’re always more open to helping others during a season when we realize exactly how good we have it. Why does it take us being bombarded with images of what we have for us to realize that there are others who desperately need our help?

And then there’s me – guilty of all of this. I only think of those “less fortunate” than I am when I’m lonely. Or when I’m in an airport. What kind of hypocrite am I that I sit at home, enjoying the warmth of my many blankets while sitting on the couch, watching old movies on my flat screen TV that I had to have to replace the one the movers broken when I moved to Florida? I’m afraid I’ve totally bought into the American mentality of “I need, I need, I need” instead of “I want, I want, I want.” Because, to be honest, who needs multiple TV’s? Who needs a nice computer, a nice phone, multiple music players and a mostly new car? These are just wants.

Here’s my prayer for the Holiday Season:

“Father God, take away my desire for those things I don’t need. Teach me the difference between a need and a desire. Instead, turn that desire towards what I can do for others – for those who actually need: for those who go without daily so that their children might be able to eat. Holy Spirit, build a fire in my soul for those who hurt, for those who so desperately need to know you when I am so blessed to have been given so much by you.

God, thank you for what you’ve given me. I’ve received an overabundance of gifts from you – help me to use them for Your glory. You are an awesome God and I want to live to serve You.

Amen.”

an interesting end to a good week

So here I am, sitting in the USO of the Baltimore airport. A very unexpected, yet pleasant, visit. I’m stuck here overnight because of apparent bad weather in Memphis. So after a few hours of freaking out (crying, being pissed, waiting in line, getting new tickets, etc) in the airport, I can honestly say I’m ok with this.

Honestly, I’m pretty sure God had something up His sleeve when I got here. The Bag Drop lines were SUPER long and I would’ve missed my first flight. Then I found out my flight was delayed by 2 hours. Yay God. Then I found out that my flight from BWI to Memphis was taking off about 5 minutes before my flight from Memphis to Panama City was to take off. Obviously I was missing that flight.

I did find out some useful information, however. Apparently when there’s a rash of bad weather, airports make it a point to keep some seats on all flights open (until the last possible minute) for any military members whose travel has been interrupted by weather, delays, etc. So the ticketing agent tried her best to get me on a flight that would get me home tonight. But to no avail. The only flights that were flying into Panama City (or any surrounding airports, for that matter) were landing tomorrow morning.

So here I am, sitting in the USO. The man running the snack bar gave me 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies for free. For FREE! How cool is that? He had to talk me into taking them (yes, Cori, we are set for snacks for the next few weeks)! But I’m glad he did. He convinced me to pack them in my suitcase.

As I’m sitting here (using free wireless courtesy of the USO), more and more people are walking in the double glass doors. We’ll be leaving here for another room, soon, because this USO is under construction. I’ve heard it’s smaller, but it’s still free. And it’s still a safe place to stay for the night.

A Marine and I were conversating and he randomly guessed that I was in the Air Force. He said I fit the Air Force “type”, but he couldn’t explain to me what it was. So, joking around I said, “Nice? Happy?” He didn’t really have an answer, but he said that those were a few reasons. That kind of surprised me. Apparently I’m a good “ambassador” for the Air Force even when I’m not in uniform! Me, a “disruptive presence in the shop”, a good ambassador? I’d love for my Supervision to have heard that. But at least it didn’t fall on deaf ears!

Wow – LOTS of people are walking in now. Hopefully things will quiet down and we’ll all fit in the other room. There are 4 small kids hanging around here with their Mom and older sister. I guess you can figure how quiet it isn’t around here. As I’m typing, their mother is arguing with the nice snack bar man about how her 4 kids under the age of 10 should be able to play the xBox. I guess some people just take the free stuff we get for granted.

All-in-all, it’s been a GREAT week. I loved spending quality time with my nephews. I got to see my nieces. They love me. My nephews love me. I got to spend quality time with my Creation friends (well, most of them). I helped them out two days this week where they work… we were all clean, we didn’t smell, and we were well-rested! It was wonderful!

But I’m so ready to be home. I miss home. I miss my friends there. I miss my bed. I miss my roomie. Yeah, I’m ready to get back. But it’s been a great week off. I’d love to have another one just like it. Soon.

a new spin on this holiday season

It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.

It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.

I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).

Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.

I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.

Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.

I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):

7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.

Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.

nerves, excitation, anticipation - topics revisited

I’m getting sentimental, giddy, excited, nervous and impatient… all at the same time. A lot of you know that I’ve been counting down the days until I go on leave Stateside (to see Adam & my family). After six long months, it’s finally here. I’m going on leave THIS THURSDAY!!!! It seems almost too good to be true.

I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of how things are going to be (even though everyone seems to have romanticized expectations when being reunited with a loved one - I think it’s human nature). I do have one expectation though - that Adam will beat me to the airport. If he does, it’ll be the first time in three visits… I can’t wait to see him: to see his face, to hug him, to kiss him, just to be near him. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime, experienced a lifetime of love, heart-ache and happiness since I’ve seen him. I know we’ve both grown so much in the past six months.

You ever get the fear that how someone sees you in their mind is what they remember of seeing you last time - but only the good parts? Almost like looking at you through rose-colored glasses… I think that’s why I’m nervous this time. I know I need work. I’m definitely not perfect. If I’ve learned/come to better understand anything in the past six months, it’s been that. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid that Adam will expect to see me as he wants me to be, and then be crushed when I’m not that person. That’s totally ridiculous, though. I know that he loves me for who I am, but the fear still exists (again, more human nature).

I have a lot of people to meet/re-meet/get to know in the few short days I’ll be in Lancaster. That also kind of worries me. Adam’s spent the past year building me up to them - what if I don’t meet their expectations? I know that doesn’t matter, but I desperately want his friends to like me. Not enough to change who I am, but enough to be nervous. Oh well. I guess I’ll worry about that if the situation arises.

So, yeah… this time next week I’ll be in the States. I’ll actually be getting ready to see my parents for the first time in six months, also. There are nerves there, too. There always are.

I’ve been really blessed for the past three years… I have amazing friends, a great church, and an actually not-so-bad job. I’m definitely going to miss this place. The thought of leaving tears my heart out. Not so much the thought of leaving the base and the job, but of leaving the people and the country. This visit home is just another step towards leaving. So in that respect, I’m dreading it. But I won’t let that damper my excitement or the fun I’ll have while I’m there.

I just need to learn to take everything one step at a time.

a "rainy" day followed by a dose of sunshine

A lot has happened over the past week or so. Ok, maybe not a lot, but definitely some big things. For starters, I got into a car wreck on 2 May. I’ve made it almost three years living in England without a wreck. Then I go and wreck my favorite car (I only have one, but it’s definitely been my favorite of all the cars I’ve owned).

I could’ve died in that accident if it weren’t for my (very not normal) quick thinking behind the wheel. Cars in front of me slammed on their breaks because a van pulled out in front of a van two cars ahead of me. I didn’t have enough time to come to a full stop, so I swerved right (remember, I’m driving on the left side of the road since I live in England). Normally this would’ve been the right thing to do, but for some odd reason there was more traffic on this back road than normal. There were two or three cars headed straight towards me. I hurried up a swerved left to avoid a head-on collision. Somehow I managed to not hit the car that was in front of me, but I did rear end the van that got pulled out in front of.

My car is totaled. It’s so sad. But this accident has, in all actuality, saved me a lot of stress when I move back stateside in August. I now don’t have to worry about shipping my car back to the States. I don’t have to pay the super-expensive (although reimbursable) road tax, and I don’t have to worry about getting the annual inspection done. I also don’t have to rent a car for a month or so after I get to my next base before my car arrives. I can just go ahead and buy one as soon as I get there.

Speaking of my next base (and the dose of sunshine), I found out this past week that I’m going back to the Sunshine State. I’m going back to Tyndall AFB for (hopefully) the remainder of my military career. I wanted to go to our other base in Florida, but this one is good, too. I know exactly where I want to live, I have a church there already, and I have quite a few friends that I can’t wait to see again. Needless to say, I’m getting excited about going back.

So many of my family members and friends are planning on coming to visit me. I think Adam is going to fly down at least twice - once to visit and once to drive back up to Pennsylvania when I get out of the Air Force. The apartments I’m looking into renting cost less than half as much as my house now AND have more square footage!

Another good thing about this assignment is it means I’m just one more step closer to being close to Adam and the rest of my family. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. It also makes me miss Adam and my family even more. Sometimes it gets almost unbearable. But it’s worth it if it means that I get to be closer to everyone again.

These next three weeks will test my chops as a supervisor - I’m shift supervisor. I haven’t been a shift supervisor before, so it’ll be interesting. After these three weeks, I’ll work for just over a week and then go on leave for three weeks. I’m ready for a break.

a death in the "family"

A friend’s mom just died. Point blank, no romanticizing. I can’t imagine the pain he will be going through once the death has been accepted (he is seemingly in some major denial). He’s a friend of mine through Karen…

I don’t even want to begin to consider what I will feel like when I have to go though similar circumstances. Will I be the strong one in the family? Will I take charge? Or will I be the one who just clams up and doesn’t accept it because I don’t want it to be true?

We’re all getting older, that can’t be hidden or denied. No one wants to think of the remote possibility that their parents will die some day. Yet something like this is a constant reminder. It helps me realize exactly how much I appreciate and love my parents, friends, family, etc. But do I really show it? Or am I one of those friends/sisters/girlfriends who lets everyone else shower me with emotion, but I don’t relate how I’m feeling - how much I love and appreciate them?

It’s times like these that I look back and really start to question the kind of person I’ve become. Not because I’m a bad person… but am I maybe a little too selfish? I look back at my life and try to find times where I did something completely without regard as to what it would get me in return. I don’t think I can think of a single time that’s happened. Maybe I need to be reminded.

Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize how good I have it. Maybe I need to start showing people I appreciate them, and not only after they do something for me.

Maybe…

when you want to be closer

Have you ever noticed that, no matter how much you may miss someone at any given time, you always want to be nearer when they're going through a trying time (surgery, death of a loved one, hard times in general)?

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it seems that trials make the heart grow "fonderer"... those trials make the separation that much harder to bear.

What makes us, as humans, need to be near someone we love who is hurting? I know there the whole "we're human, we have the capacity to love and the need to nurture" answer, but is there something else? I can see a commercial on TV for the "Sponsor our Children" organizations, and my heart will ache for the people in the commercials. But, normally, once the commercial is off the screen (or I'm just plain distracted by something else), those people are completely out of my mind. Yet it seems that nothing can remove someone I know from my mind when they're going through something that may put a strain on their day-to-day life.

Why is it that some people can ache for people they don't know... ache enough to leave everything they know and love to help care for these people, to show them the only love they may ever know? Why is it that, for some people (sadly, myself included), we get caught up in the whirlwind of excitement that comes with sponsoring a child we've never met, but once it becomes part of everyday life, we tend to put that on the back burner? I'm terribly guilty of this, no matter how hard I try to stay excited about it.

But I've gotten off-track.

I've noticed since moving away from my family/loved ones that I miss them most either when I've just left them or when I know I'm going to see them soon. This time that missing them seems almost unbearable. My days are brighter because I know I'm seeing Adam and my family in almost less than 2 months, but they are also a little darker (at the same time, strangely) because I know that no matter how much I want to be with them now, I have to wait.

What brought on my writing this? Well, I'm sure Adam won't mind my telling you... he's getting his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. They're all impacted. I would give anything to be there with him, to try and help him feel just a little better when the pain starts. I know I won't really be able to do anything to help, but for me (and maybe this is selfish), just being there, sitting in a room with him would be better than the options I currently have.

At least this is the (hopefully) only surgery that I won't be able to take care of him afterwards. I look forward to the day when I'll be able to drop anything to be with Adam, my sisters or the rest of my family & friends when they're going through a rough time.

Yes, I do want to be closer. Much closer.

the beginning

So, this is the beginning of my new blog site... it's quite the venture, especially considering I'm horrible at updating things like this (even though I start out with the best of intentions). But, since my sister has one. And she updates it often, maybe that'll inspire me to write more.

I've kind of decided that i'm going to use this as a way to vent. Not necessarily about what I'm upset about, but just a place to write what I'm thinking at any given time. Like right now.

I'm in this weird funk. I feel loved, and I love everyone, but I just feel so alone right now. Maybe it's home sickness. Maybe it's missing everyone who I haven't been around for the past 5 years. I don't know. It's just this feeling I have that I can't shake. Everywhere I turn reminds me of something I'm missing out on... times with Adam, times with my family in Ohio, times with my family in Pennsylvania. When I go home to visit, I feel like an outsider sometimes. I know I'm not an outsider, but I'm always missing the important events in life.

I miss Adam. I want so much to be near him - to be involved in his everyday life. But I can't be. And, to be honest, that is killing me. He said the other day that this year will probably be the hardest year of our lives. I don't doubt it. I just don't want it to get any worse.

I'm ready to come home. I'm ready to be around everyone I love the most (minus a few friends here that I'm dreading leaving behind). I can't really explain this feeling. I've just never wanted so much to be near my family and friends. And knowing that, right now, there's nothing I can do about it isn't really helping.

The military is a great life, I just think I'm ready to be out of it. I love the security of it, but it's taking me away from my family. I want to have a job where I don't have to move once every 3-4 years. I want a job that I can quit if it starts getting really bad. I want a job where I can go talk to someone if I don't feel appreciated. Although, I do enjoy not having to worry about what to wear to work. I do enjoy not having to buy clothes to wear to work... and I do love the clothing allowance (and every other allowance) we get yearly/monthly.

I just really want to be home. I want to be within driving distance of my family and Adam. Heck, I'd even settle for the same timezone.