a "confession" of sorts

Day 8/366 • At least I look creative...
Originally uploaded by .lollo.

I've discovered that I'm afraid of my own creativity.

I love the release that comes with being creative... it's like the parts of me that are stifled in the technical world I live in can finally get out. But that release scares me. What if I want too much of it? What if I reveal too much? Will my artwork offend some people?

But another question I think I'm afraid of finding out the answer to is: Am I really creative, am I good at the artistic projects/photography I set out to create? Or is it just my friends and family are blinded by how bad it is because they're my family and they have to think it's great? Will I ever be crushed by the realization that I'm not, in fact, creative?

I see all of these projects and designs everyday - they float around inside my head like a beetle swimming across the top of a pool of water. they are innumerable. But when it comes to actually translating what I see into real life, onto paper/canvas/film, I can't do it. It seems impossible. These are my projects and ideas, screaming to be released. But I can't do it.

Have I just painted myself into a non-creative corner? When I try to sit down and actually create something, I can't. It seems all I can do is copy someone else's work. But when I'm not in a place where I can give into my creative impulses, that's when the real, raw creativity flows. Oh how I wish it were the other way around.

Reading this back, I've realized that it seems like almost everything I've posted is negative. My life isn't that bad - there really aren't a ton of negative things that have happened. I guess I just really need to write things out when I'm depressed/feeling down. I should try to write things when I'm elated, too. Maybe that would help me push through this 8+ year creativity wall I've run into.

trying to be cool

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm, like, in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.
-- Juno

You may ask why this is at the beginning of my blog. Well, I'll tell you.


There seems to be a lot of emphasis on being cool... especially on those who don't seem to try. How is it that these people just know how to be cool while the rest of us seem lost on the way to finding "cool"? Little do we know, however, that the people we think don't try actually try the hardest. I'll be the first to admit - I do try to be cool. I don't know if it works, but I have friends so I must not be that far off the mark. But why do we try so hard? Is anyone able to continuously live up to the definition of "cool"?

I was recently told that I'm respected. This totally made my day. I'm not sure why it felt so good to hear it - I see the evidence of it every day. Maybe it was just because someone confirmed what I thought was going on... and it was a happy moment for me. People recognize that I'm doing good things. It's nice to get that little bit of recognition.

Anyway, back to being cool... does "cool" just come naturally, or do we all work really hard at being cool in our own way? How can so many people have such different definitions of cool? There were the jocks at school, the nerds, the band geeks, the independent crowd, the artsy crowd, etc... by their own definitions, they were all cool to a certain extent.

Maybe being cool is actually your own acceptance of yourself. Once you like yourself enough to accept who and what you are, then you are cool.

i suck at this

So I totally need to get better at posting blogs...

I'm sorry, I will try harder in the future. But not now. It's time to get ready for work.

tin foil and cats

So, in an effort to get more/better sleep every day, I decided to put tin foil on my bedroom windows to keep the sun out. Boy does it work! I have to keep my bedroom door open, though (for the boys to have easy access to their litter box), so there's still a good amount of sunlight in the room.

I always figured that the answer to my not-always-present sleeping problems was the sunlight. Not so, my friend, not so. I slept really well the first day or two with the foil on my windows. But now it seems my body is so used to trying to sleep with sunlight that I think it's rebelling against having actual darkness to work with.

Foil also seems to be a great insulator. If the room's cold when I go to bed, it's cold when I wake up. If the room's warm when I go to sleep, it's always warm when I wake up (sometimes to the point of discomfort). This foil idea is amazing, though. I got the idea from some of the guys I supervise. Of course, they live in the Dorms on base or have skylights in their rooms (if they live off-base), so their foil isn't quite as apparent. People expect that of the "dorm rats" on base. And the guy who lives off-base is lucky enough to have the skylight, so no one sees his foil. You can spot the foil on my windows from a mile away! Foil is apparently GREAT at reflecting sunlight.

I've recently learned exactly how attached I am becoming to Oscar & Ziggy. I had an unpleasant dream about them last night and I woke up crying. It also made me a little sick to my stomach (the circumstances in the dream, that is). I talk to them... we have conversations. Okay, Oscar and I have conversations. Ziggy just meows to imitate Oscar's "barking" and then stares at me blankly when I answer back.

They sleep with me... not so uncommon, right? Except for the fact that Oscar tends to sleep like a human. He snuggles up next to me, then is really restless until I cover him up with my blanket to mid-torso. He won't sleep if his arms or head are covered up. Sometimes he even sleeps on his back (much like humans). It's adorable. Ziggy couldn't care where or how he sleeps as long as he's comfortable. He usually sleeps either completely under the covers, down where my legs & hips meet, or on a pillow next to mine (if not on my own pillow, seemingly trying to smother me). The pillow next to mine (aka Ziggy's pillow) has some fake lamb's wool on it. It's something that my friend Kelly gave me when she was cat-sitting for me. Ziggy will only fall asleep for the night if he's touching someone or if he's on that silly pillow.

Such simple (sometimes complex) creatures, yet they give me so much joy. But they're not fans of the foil. They run away from it. I guess it makes too much noise for them.

a kind of (not so) random question

This is a short blog... it's not really a blog. It's a question. I'd appreciate any and all input...

I'm just curious as to what people think...

when someone's trust is betrayed, their first reaction is always "you'll have to earn my trust back." my question is, what does it take for someone to earn one's trust back?

just curious to see your answers...

the Giant is not a Giant anymore...

There's something amazingly refreshing about winning a "fight" when you know that what you stand for is right. The individuals I was fighting against are people I've been fighting against for most of my career. Well, they symbolize all of those people anyway. I can't go into the specifics of what went on, but let me tell you that I fought the good fight (as short-lived as it was). I was indeed stuck between a rock and a hard place. It seemed like no one would take up my side with me. I thought I was going to have to face this Giant alone.

Boy was I wrong.

I knew what I had to do, but I almost let people make me feel bad for choosing to do what I know is right. These people seemingly tried to use their status to bully me into doing what they wanted me to do. All the while making it look like the decision they told me they wanted me to make would be my own.

Today I became a conqueror. Maybe not in a HUGE sense, but in a sense that even the little guy can win sometimes. I am that little man - and I am a conqueror because of it. Not only was I right, but everyone else agreed with me (but I didn't know that at the time).

Now, I don't want to make it sound like I'm infallible or that I think too highly of myself... I'm not and I definitely don't. But the freedom that comes from making the right decision, and to having people back you up, is amazing.

Why are we so afraid to stand up against those we think are better than us? Maybe not better, but those that we perceive to control our collective fates? I've always been afraid to stick up for myself towards certain people, to stand up for something I know is right (but only towards those same certain people). As it turns out, these people make bad decisions, too. Somehow, knowing that (and being directly effected by that) makes it so much easier to stand up when I have to.

I don't know - maybe this isn't making any sense. Maybe this will inspire some of you to make decisions that are in the wings, waiting to be made. Maybe knowing that someone as small as myself, as seemingly insignificant in this huge game called life can make a difference will help.

I just wanted to share my elatedness with you... thanks for sharing in my joy.

doubts, questions and something good

I'm not gonna lie - things at work have SUCKED lately. It seems like every time I get a good handle on things/finally completely understand what's going on, something comes around that shoots me down, throws me for a loop... makes me lose my cool. I know, I know - you're shocked. A Taylor woman would lose her cool? Apparently everyone at work thinks I'm pretty even-keeled except for the past few days.

All of this suckiness is really not helping me make the decisions that need to be made (if not by the middle of this month, then by the end of my enlistment). I know what I want to do, and I'm pretty sure it's the right thing. But people keep on telling me I need to make concrete plans for my future. The problem with that? There is absolutely NO WAY to make concrete plans when you're talking about the military. Or when certain things that you're planning on happening can't happen for awhile because of previously existing circumstances out of your control.

Anyway, that is completely stressing me out. Especially because everyone is offering advice. I'm never against being given advice, I just don't think that the advice should make me question everything I've ever considered doing with my future. But enough about that.

I need to learn to stand up for myself against a certain person. This person thinks I know absolutely nothing about what I do for a living. They try to push me around. The other morning I didn't let them push me around, and they just looked at me w/ HUGE eyes wondering what had happened. I must admit, it felt pretty good to have that happen. I just have to work up the nerve to have a one-on-one (with a chaperone/neutral party, also) with this person to talk stuff out. That might take awhile.

I'm not sure why I felt like writing this, but it has been awhile since I've written anything.

Oh - a family characteristic of mine is to try to find the positive in any situation. Well, I can't really find a positive to that situation, but I have been with Adam for 7 months as of yesterday. And I'm seeing him in just over 4 months. Once I return from that trip, it'll be about a month until I return to the States for good. I'm really excited about that. I would like to know where I'm going to be stationed, but oh well. That'll come. It's gonna be so awesome to be close to family again... and hopefully within driving distance of Adam. Yay.


Adam & me at his Mom's house on 20 Dec 07.