nerves, excitation, anticipation - topics revisited

I’m getting sentimental, giddy, excited, nervous and impatient… all at the same time. A lot of you know that I’ve been counting down the days until I go on leave Stateside (to see Adam & my family). After six long months, it’s finally here. I’m going on leave THIS THURSDAY!!!! It seems almost too good to be true.

I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of how things are going to be (even though everyone seems to have romanticized expectations when being reunited with a loved one - I think it’s human nature). I do have one expectation though - that Adam will beat me to the airport. If he does, it’ll be the first time in three visits… I can’t wait to see him: to see his face, to hug him, to kiss him, just to be near him. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime, experienced a lifetime of love, heart-ache and happiness since I’ve seen him. I know we’ve both grown so much in the past six months.

You ever get the fear that how someone sees you in their mind is what they remember of seeing you last time - but only the good parts? Almost like looking at you through rose-colored glasses… I think that’s why I’m nervous this time. I know I need work. I’m definitely not perfect. If I’ve learned/come to better understand anything in the past six months, it’s been that. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid that Adam will expect to see me as he wants me to be, and then be crushed when I’m not that person. That’s totally ridiculous, though. I know that he loves me for who I am, but the fear still exists (again, more human nature).

I have a lot of people to meet/re-meet/get to know in the few short days I’ll be in Lancaster. That also kind of worries me. Adam’s spent the past year building me up to them - what if I don’t meet their expectations? I know that doesn’t matter, but I desperately want his friends to like me. Not enough to change who I am, but enough to be nervous. Oh well. I guess I’ll worry about that if the situation arises.

So, yeah… this time next week I’ll be in the States. I’ll actually be getting ready to see my parents for the first time in six months, also. There are nerves there, too. There always are.

I’ve been really blessed for the past three years… I have amazing friends, a great church, and an actually not-so-bad job. I’m definitely going to miss this place. The thought of leaving tears my heart out. Not so much the thought of leaving the base and the job, but of leaving the people and the country. This visit home is just another step towards leaving. So in that respect, I’m dreading it. But I won’t let that damper my excitement or the fun I’ll have while I’m there.

I just need to learn to take everything one step at a time.