Awake!

Awake!
Originally uploaded by Jay Arpin

I've come to realize something - I'm happy with where I'm at. I love my friends. I love where I live. I love my church. My job is great (even if it's time for a change) - you couldn't get better benefits. I'm actually pretty content with where I'm at emotionally. I can't explain it - it's just something that came on me after church today. I was standing around with my friends, talking about where we were going for lunch, and I just felt happy. There's no other word for it, really.

I kind of fell in love with my friends all over again. There's something so special about all of them, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not even sure what's made me so content.

But I do know this - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. It's refreshing. It's like walking out on a wintry morning, feeling that first blast of crisp cold air.

truth in twilight

The last time I wanted to write, I decided that I would write about what I was feeling at that time - very confused, not sure what I should have been feeling. I was going to write about jealousy, emptiness and extreme loneliness.

I was going to write about what I thought I was missing, from what seemed like a “loser’s” viewpoint. Not anymore.

What brought on this change? Believe it or not (and this is probably going to sound really stupid), I went to see Twilight on a whim last night. My friend and I wanted to go see a movie, and it was the only movie that wasn’t 2+ hours long. Believe me, I was skeptical. I’ve never liked vampires, let alone vampire movies. But, strangely, seeing the movie changed something inside me.

It’s, honestly, the first time I’ve felt a tangible longing. I’ve longed to see my family, my friends, my loved ones. But I’ve never physically felt a longing. It’s like it’s a desire, a craving that I can’t just turn away from. I’m not sure what to do with this new tangible longing, but hopefully it’ll be met/filled soon.

That’s really all I have to say right now. There’s really no way to explain any of this to anyone reading this without watering it down, so I’m not going to try.

That’s all.

a new spin on this holiday season

It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.

It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.

I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).

Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.

I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.

Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.

I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):

7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.

Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.

my newest adventure

I’ve been having heart issues (literally) for the past 3 years. Last month they got bad enough that I ended up in the ER for 3 or 4 hours… my heart rate was 126 when I was almost asleep.

The labs all came back negative (aka a good thing) and my chest x-ray was fine. So I went today for an echocardiogram (first time ever getting one - it was actually really cool to see my heart while it was working) and to get a Holter Monitor.

I’ve never experienced anything so amazing as seeing my heart moving while I was feeling the heartbeats. I had this stupid smile on my face while I was watching it. It’s amazing to think that technology has brought us so far that we can see the workings of our inner bodies on a computer monitor without an invasive procedure. I saw my heart THROUGH MY LIVER!!!! Amazing stuff.

All I can say is, God bless hoodies. They hide wires & the monitor well.

Call me morbid, but I actually hope they find something wrong. I want to know what’s causing my super extra fast heart rate. And I need to get back on my medicine. No, I’m not addicted, but I’ve kind of gotten used to having a normal heartbeat. My doctor doesn’t think I need to be on the medication… she’s wrong.

We’ll see how things turn out. Stay tuned for an update…

a heart broken (and lessons learned)

What do you write when your soul longs to scream out, but it doesn’t know what to say? How do you recover from a major life change - and I mean MAJOR? It’s out of your control. You didn’t cause it, you didn’t want it. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t want it. But I have no choice but to accept it. How do I deal with this?

How do I deal with this gut-wrenching pain that’s coursing through my body? How do I deal with the seemingly “foreverness” of uncertainty that is now my future? What about the emptiness that I feel in my heart? What about my feelings in all of this? Don’t they count for anything? I guess not.

I guess I’m looking for answers (as evidenced by the many questions I’ve asked). I wish there was an easy answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could erase it.

But now I have no choice but to accept it - to recover and move on. To learn from the entire situation and become stronger in spite of it. In spite? No - that would mean that I regret all of it. I will become stronger because of it.

I’ve learned that I can be put through the wringer and come out whole on the other side. I can stand up for myself and for something I believe in. I know when it’s time to say, “No more, this isn’t for me.” Now the question is, will I bring strong enough to say it if, God forbid, the need arises?

So I would like to thank you. Thank you for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. Thank you for helping to make me stronger. Do I regret the past? Not all of it - not the good times. I’m going to try to not be embarrassed for the things that have happened (and for seemingly fighting for no reason). I will try to swallow my pride and ask forgiveness (it’ll be hard, but I’ll try).

The road to recovery is going to be painful, I know. But it’s, unfortunately, a necessary evil. I just hope I’m strong enough to deal with it.

birth & loneliness

This is four days late, but I'm an aunt again. It's very exciting. We've been waiting so long for this little one to arrive that it almost seems surreal that he's finally here! I've seen pictures, and he's one of the cutest little things I've ever seen. Of course, I may be biased, but there it is.

I've discovered that 7-10 days off work (with no one to have the time off with you) might be a bit too much. It was great the first few days, but now it's just getting old. It has definitely helped with the jet lag, but I'm bored - and a bit lonely. There's only so much that texting, chatting, emailing and talking online can do for you to relieve the boredom/loneliness. But when it comes down to it, I really need someone here to share the experience with me.

I miss England. I miss my friends from England. Living back in the States seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. Why, then, do I feel so alone? It's GREAT to see all of my old friends again, but they all have their own new lives. I feel like I'm invading their experiences, almost like I'm trying to force my way into their lives. Is that what I should be doing? Is that a normal experience for coming back "home" after changing so much?

The extreme hate of moving is making me reconsider re-enlisting (if only to stay put for a few more years). The major drawbacks to re-enlisting are:
- By the time I will be getting out, I will have been in for 11 years. By then I might as well just stay in until retirement (it would only be 9 years away).
- I won't be able to cross-train (at least not right away). And if I do cross-train, I won't be coming back to PC Beach.

Right now it doesn't seem like there are that many drawbacks, but I don't want to be a "lifer". I would love to stay in Panama City, but what would I do?

Maybe I'm just tossing these ideas around because I'm lonely. Maybe I'll be stop-lossed (even though I'm pretty sure the Air Force doesn't stop-loss non-critically manned career fields). I still have a few months to decide. Hopefully by then I'll be less lonely and able to make these all-important decisions with a clearer mind.

Maybe.

a "girly" moment

I went shopping yesterday - clothes shopping, to be exact. We went to probably seven different stores, and I only bought five things. I’m proud of myself, though - I only bought two things that weren’t on sale. I bought an eye-popping, 50’s-party-style dress and a pair of shoes that match the dress perfectly! When my friend saw me in the dress and shoes, their first response was “Now that’s a Doris Day look”. It made me so happy! I’ve always wanted to dress like I lived in the 40’s/50’s.

But then I realized last night that my bad habit of shopping to relieve boredom will send me to the poor house quicker than you can say “Bob’s your uncle.” So I’m off to Hobby Lobby to try and find a cheap hobby. And I need to start finding places to use my SLR so I can start experimenting with that.

Good luck to me.

life in the fast lane (sort of)

Wow - it’s been 6 weeks since I last wrote anything! I can’t believe it’s been that long. Actually, I can. A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. I moved halfway across the world back to Florida. My 2nd nephew is soon to be born. I have my own GINORMOUS apartment with no furniture in it (yet), and I’m in the process of buying another car.

Ok, so maybe it’s not that much. But considering most of it just started happing within the past two weeks or so, it’s a lot.

Yup, I moved back to Florida. It’s really weird and really cool being back. So much has changed, yet so little has changed. My church has tripled in size since I left (and finally has its own building right down the street from where I live). Every one of my friends from church has grown so much! I don’t mean physically, I mean maturity level, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m not sure if anyone knew the exact date of my arrival. Everyone seemed so surprised to see me at church on Sunday. Every one of my friends gave me huge hugs and welcomed me home. It definitely made me feel loved - a good change from all of the goodbye’s I’ve been saying (and re-saying) over the past two months. Not that I haven’t felt loved, it’s just a nice change to be greeted with a smile and a hug instead of a tear-stained face and a hug.

Last I knew (and I’m terrible for not getting an update, I know), my sister is still waiting on her second son to grace us with his presence. She went into what I’m guessing was false labor just before I left England (5 or 6 days ago) and I haven’t heard anything since. Doctors think she can go at any time, though. It’ll be nice to actually been in-country when one of my nieces/nephews will be born.

I love my new apartment. It’s 300 sq ft bigger than my house in England. Huge! It looks so empty right now, though. I can’t wait to get all of my stuff and start decorating it. Listen to me - I sound like such a girl now! Maybe my friends aren’t the only ones who have grown over the past three years…

I’m buying another Mazda6 sometime today or tomorrow. I love it. I didn’t realize exactly how easy they drive until I drove that beast of a rental Rover around for 3 months. Oh - and I have yet to accidentally drive on the left side of the road! I really do impress myself sometimes.

Leaving my life in England was really hard. It’s still hard to adjust to the fact that all of my friends from the past three years aren’t available to talk/hang out whenever I want (or whenever they’re available). I can’t get used to being 6 hours behind them… I miss them all terribly. Even though I have all of my old friends around, I still feel lonely without my friends from England. Hopefully that loneliness will start to fade soon.

I plan on joining (or at least trying to join) the worship team at church. After spending the last three years wishing I was helping lead worship, I decided to “cowboy up” and tell my friends (the Worship Arts pastors at church) that I want to join the worship team. Of course, this all depends on what shift I end up working…

Speaking of work, I don’t have to go to work again until 3 September! I’ve been off work for a total of 7.5 out of the last 8 days! I’m loving the time off. It will be nice to have a schedule again, though. But 10 days of relaxing will make up for the not having a schedule, I think.

I miss my boys. Oscar got into a fight (or rather, was fought with) the other day. Dear, sweet, innocent Oscar! He got bitten around the base of his tail and had to be taken to the vet to have a shunt put in so it could properly drain (it got infected)! My sweet little man has a shaved bum, now, and battle scars!

That’s really all I have to say right now. Except for this: bring on the visitors!!!!!

an update on the tyranny

I’ve spoken to my British form of legal council that the Air Force gives us for free… it’s “officially” recommended that I take the Safe Driving Course. Apparently the fact that I didn’t cause the accident is not what’s being disputed (and isn’t what I would be prosecuted for). They assume that I wasn’t following at a safe speed for the distance in which I was following the cars in front of me. And if I was following at a safe speed, then I wasn’t following at a safe distance and I am thus to blame for the accident. The way it was explained to me, I’d be prosecuted for actually hitting the person, not for the accident itself. And, boy, you should hear the spin they’re putting on the whole situation.

So, unfortunately, I’m being forced to cough up approximately $410 for this day-and-a-half course. I’m going to learn how to be a “more aware” driver… a safer driver in England. They’re even being nice enough to me to let me attend the course in a different county. What nice guys.

This is a great goodbye present from the country that I’ve actually loved for the past three years. It’s definitely made the prospect of leaving easier to deal with. I’ll still miss my friends (of course) and the “beautifulness” of this country, but there’s no way I will miss this country and its asinine laws.

Let me clarify - I have nothing against the people of this country or most of its laws. Just against the way they decide someone’s at fault for something and the way they decide who to prosecute.

So, yeah - that’s the skinny I guess. I’ve pretty much been told to “shut up and color”. And color I will - with red, white and blue.

a jacked up situation (or, a legal form of distortion)

I was in an accident back in May (you can read an earlier post about it - describes the situation). Because I rear-ended someone in an accident that I did not cause, the British Government has decided that it would be a good idea to give me two choices: pay almost $500 to attend a two-day safe driving course (and two weeks after attending the course, leave England for good as scheduled) or be prosecuted for “Driving without Due Care” of other drivers.

This accident was not my fault. How can the British Government, in all its splendor, actually get away with this? I am, of course, fighting it as best I can. But how much can I really do? I did not cause the accident - someone who pulled out in front of someone else and then immediately drove off caused it (kind of like a hit-and-run, only not actually hitting anyone - just causing the hit and running). So why am I being prosecuted? They say there is “sufficient evidence” to prosecute me. What evidence? I was never given a ticket (or “citation” as they say over here), and there wasn’t any evidence to speak of. My statement matched the statement of the guy I hit almost exactly… so what’s the issue?

I talked to the person who schedules the Safe Driving courses, and she said that maybe the person I hit received the same type letter. Again I ask you - in what world does that make sense? Two victims possibly being prosecuted! It’s insane.

There’s got to be some way to speak out against this to keep it from happening to other American drivers over here in England.

stress-less?

I’m a little less stressed these days. Leave was great. I’m leaving England soon. I have an apartment to live in once I get to Florida (I could even possibly move in to it the day I get to the States). Adam and I are closer to being together than ever before. Things are looking good.

I sort of got a job offer while I was on leave. It was in a field I’ve never really considered (Computer Forensics), but it sounds interesting. The job offer came in this form: “If you get all the qualifications/certifications you need for this field, either I or one of my friends will hire you.” How often does that happen? I really hope it was a genuine job offer.

I can become a full-time student when I get out of the Air Force in 2009. The US government is going to pay for my schooling. Not only will they pay for my schooling, they’ll pay for my books, any kind of licensing testing (up to $2K, I believe) and they’ll pay me upwards of $1,100/month for rent/living expenses, etc. One of my major decision makers on whether to go to school after the military was just that - living expenses (ok, that and where to go to school - I’m looking at somewhere in PA). Plus, now that I know what I need to do to get a job (in a field that actually does sound interesting), things are looking up.

That’s all I have to say. Nothing too special. But it has been over a month since I’ve written, so I decided I should write something - even if it’s super short (compared to the normal length of my blogs).

nerves, excitation, anticipation - topics revisited

I’m getting sentimental, giddy, excited, nervous and impatient… all at the same time. A lot of you know that I’ve been counting down the days until I go on leave Stateside (to see Adam & my family). After six long months, it’s finally here. I’m going on leave THIS THURSDAY!!!! It seems almost too good to be true.

I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of how things are going to be (even though everyone seems to have romanticized expectations when being reunited with a loved one - I think it’s human nature). I do have one expectation though - that Adam will beat me to the airport. If he does, it’ll be the first time in three visits… I can’t wait to see him: to see his face, to hug him, to kiss him, just to be near him. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime, experienced a lifetime of love, heart-ache and happiness since I’ve seen him. I know we’ve both grown so much in the past six months.

You ever get the fear that how someone sees you in their mind is what they remember of seeing you last time - but only the good parts? Almost like looking at you through rose-colored glasses… I think that’s why I’m nervous this time. I know I need work. I’m definitely not perfect. If I’ve learned/come to better understand anything in the past six months, it’s been that. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid that Adam will expect to see me as he wants me to be, and then be crushed when I’m not that person. That’s totally ridiculous, though. I know that he loves me for who I am, but the fear still exists (again, more human nature).

I have a lot of people to meet/re-meet/get to know in the few short days I’ll be in Lancaster. That also kind of worries me. Adam’s spent the past year building me up to them - what if I don’t meet their expectations? I know that doesn’t matter, but I desperately want his friends to like me. Not enough to change who I am, but enough to be nervous. Oh well. I guess I’ll worry about that if the situation arises.

So, yeah… this time next week I’ll be in the States. I’ll actually be getting ready to see my parents for the first time in six months, also. There are nerves there, too. There always are.

I’ve been really blessed for the past three years… I have amazing friends, a great church, and an actually not-so-bad job. I’m definitely going to miss this place. The thought of leaving tears my heart out. Not so much the thought of leaving the base and the job, but of leaving the people and the country. This visit home is just another step towards leaving. So in that respect, I’m dreading it. But I won’t let that damper my excitement or the fun I’ll have while I’m there.

I just need to learn to take everything one step at a time.

a waste of your time

It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything. No good reason, I’ve just been lazy. I had originally wanted to update this blog every other day (to show I’m not totally addicted), but that got to be a bit much. Not because nothing has been happening, but because I don’t ever think that anything that happens to me is interesting enough to write about.

The Air Force is being nice enough to let me fly back Stateside on 22 August - the date I asked for. It’s a Friday. I’ve given myself an extra few days to get reacquainted with the area before having to head in to work to start in-processing at Tyndall. It’ll also give me a chance to go look at cars. I’ll get to hang out with friends I haven’t seen for three years. I’m beginning to look forward to it more than I thought I would.

I’m the shift boss this week (and I have been for the past two weeks, also). I’m not really liking it. The first week was pretty good - I didn’t make too many mistakes and I was told by someone I really respect that he thought I found my calling in the Aircraft Maintenance world of the USAF. That made me feel really good. Then the “stuff” hit the fan. The other two shifts (we work a 24-hr operation during the week) started making really stupid mistakes. But, because I was the one who had to tell the Shop Chief (big boss) about them, I was the one who got blamed/yelled at. No one was really being held accountable. And the person who should’ve been held accountable (but wasn’t) also wasn’t talking to his shift about the mistakes they were making. They weren’t really mistakes, just carelessness/improper training.

Anyway, because of this, I’ve had to try my wings at defending not only myself, but the workers on my shift. It’s a tough line to draw - defending your actions yet still being/staying respectful. I actually ended up getting into very loud arguments with some people last week. Then this week kind of started the same way. Luckily I didn’t have to answer for the other shifts’ mistakes because of how I handled myself last week when explaining that my workers spend the whole shift fixing the other shifts’ mistakes. I think we’re all on the same page now.

I go on leave in 16 days (not that I’m counting or anything). I haven’t been on leave in six months. Six months! This is a momentous occasion - it marks the last milestone before I get to be back Stateside. Once I’m stateside I won’t have to wait six months to see Adam, my family members or old friends. It’s much cheaper to fly from State to State than it is from Continent to Continent. I don’t think I’ll be quite as lonely for everyone I love.

I won’t bore you with any more details of my life. Maybe next time I’ll write a hypothetical, a story or something a little more interesting. So here’s to my uneventful life over the past few weeks - a waste of your time to read about it, but maybe just a little entertaining?

a "rainy" day followed by a dose of sunshine

A lot has happened over the past week or so. Ok, maybe not a lot, but definitely some big things. For starters, I got into a car wreck on 2 May. I’ve made it almost three years living in England without a wreck. Then I go and wreck my favorite car (I only have one, but it’s definitely been my favorite of all the cars I’ve owned).

I could’ve died in that accident if it weren’t for my (very not normal) quick thinking behind the wheel. Cars in front of me slammed on their breaks because a van pulled out in front of a van two cars ahead of me. I didn’t have enough time to come to a full stop, so I swerved right (remember, I’m driving on the left side of the road since I live in England). Normally this would’ve been the right thing to do, but for some odd reason there was more traffic on this back road than normal. There were two or three cars headed straight towards me. I hurried up a swerved left to avoid a head-on collision. Somehow I managed to not hit the car that was in front of me, but I did rear end the van that got pulled out in front of.

My car is totaled. It’s so sad. But this accident has, in all actuality, saved me a lot of stress when I move back stateside in August. I now don’t have to worry about shipping my car back to the States. I don’t have to pay the super-expensive (although reimbursable) road tax, and I don’t have to worry about getting the annual inspection done. I also don’t have to rent a car for a month or so after I get to my next base before my car arrives. I can just go ahead and buy one as soon as I get there.

Speaking of my next base (and the dose of sunshine), I found out this past week that I’m going back to the Sunshine State. I’m going back to Tyndall AFB for (hopefully) the remainder of my military career. I wanted to go to our other base in Florida, but this one is good, too. I know exactly where I want to live, I have a church there already, and I have quite a few friends that I can’t wait to see again. Needless to say, I’m getting excited about going back.

So many of my family members and friends are planning on coming to visit me. I think Adam is going to fly down at least twice - once to visit and once to drive back up to Pennsylvania when I get out of the Air Force. The apartments I’m looking into renting cost less than half as much as my house now AND have more square footage!

Another good thing about this assignment is it means I’m just one more step closer to being close to Adam and the rest of my family. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. It also makes me miss Adam and my family even more. Sometimes it gets almost unbearable. But it’s worth it if it means that I get to be closer to everyone again.

These next three weeks will test my chops as a supervisor - I’m shift supervisor. I haven’t been a shift supervisor before, so it’ll be interesting. After these three weeks, I’ll work for just over a week and then go on leave for three weeks. I’m ready for a break.

turmoil & growing pains... worth it?

Things don't always go the way you plan them - the journey is usually much harder than planned. I think that's why, when things turn out the way you originally wanted them to, you appreciate the outcome even more than you would've otherwise.

I think that when a journey is longer and harder than planned, there's a certain amount of growth that happens, even if inadvertently. I've already seen a little bit of it in my own life. Making decisions can be hard - sometimes sticking with those decisions is even harder. I think that when one is forced to stand by their decisions, to support them, that's when the most growth takes place.

I don't know when I'm trying to make this so subjective... I'm talking about my life - this isn't a case study. So, let me try this again.

Over the past six years I've made some decisions that were probably not the best, and some that I know where right. I've had to live with the outcome of those decisions, even if it wasn't the outcome I originally wanted. But looking back, I'm ok with how things have turned out. My life has been a pretty good one so far.

Turmoil can be great... in that I mean that it can bring about great learning opportunities. Anyone who knows me will be the first to admit that I HATE turmoil - with a passion. But recently I've come to appreciate it. I've seen the effect that turmoil has had on me, and I like what it's doing to me. I'm becoming more willing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I'm becoming a stronger person at work, in my personal life and just in general.

So I guess all the growing I've done is worth the pain. I just wish it could be easier sometimes.

the calm before the storm

There was a thunderstorm last night - the first time I’ve heard/seen it storm here in the almost three years I’ve lived in England. There was no calm before the storm. The weather was bad, then it just got worse.

Yet there was something strangely calming about hearing the thunder, the wind and the rain pelting my bedroom window. It put me to sleep.

I miss thunderstorms. I love driving in them. I love standing inside and watching the storms (especially the lightning and the way the trees seems to dance in the wind). I love standing out in a rain storm.

The storm relaxed me in a way I haven’t been able to relax in awhile. How is it that something to “scary” can do so much to relax me? I would like some more storms, I think. They help me remember the beauty that is God’s creation. Sometimes I take the beauty of nature for granted. Storms remind me of who created nature…

Thank You for the reminder.

change can be a good thing. right?

I didn’t sleep very well last night (well, my last night - for you non-nighttime workers that’s “this morning/today” to you). I’m not sure if it’s because it was warm in my room (I turned on the fan just in case) or because I just feel “not right”.

I’ve really felt like talking to people lately, but for seemingly no apparent reason. I just want to talk. Any person who can hold a decent conversation seems to be my unlucky target. I did notice that, since I’m so close to going home, I have this immense desire to talk to people from home. But, again, for no apparent reason.

I just noticed that probably 90% of the sentences I’ve already written start with some form of the word “I”. Maybe I need to be a little less self-absorbed. So I’m going to write about something else. But what?

It seems that a lot of people I know are going through seasons of change. I’m currently in contact with someone from another base who is coming here… all because they want to find a way to make the “change” a little easier/go a little smoother. But, then again, who doesn’t want that?

My parents have hit the retirement age… my dad can officially retire in June. It seems really weird that he’s old enough for retirement. I remember back in the day when we used to get excused from elementary school on Halloween to go bowling all day - those were the best times. And now he’s retiring. When did we all get so old? My oldest sister is pregnant again. My second oldest sister wants to start trying to have another baby (this would make three). My younger sister is on a waiting list to move into a group home and my brother is my brother (things are always changing with him).

It’s “sort of” Spring here in England. I say “sort of” because it snowed last week, and now it’s in the 60’s today (but it was in the high 50’s two weeks ago). Tomorrow it’ll probably shoot back down to the low 40’s, just because it can. In the States, the saying is “March - in like a lion, out like a lamb”. Well, over here in England the saying should be “Spring - not really Spring… more like Winter, but worse”. Ok, it’s not quite as catchy, but it gets the point across.

Maybe all of this, in some strange way, has contributed to my feeling “not right”. Things are changing at home - with friends, with family, etc - and I’m not there for it. I hate missing changes… I noticed that the first time I went on leave after joining the Air Force. Even though I’ve progressed leaps and bounds over the past 6+ years I’ve been in the Service, going home is always tough on me. I see my siblings, my aunts/uncles and my cousins - they all (and I mean all) have gotten married and become parents (obviously my aunts & uncles have become grandparents). And then here I am, living in England doing what I’m good at (I guess you could say I’m “living the life”), and I feel like, for me, time has stood completely still. I feel like they all have moved on with their lives, and here’s “little Joanna”, still not married, still not with any children.

Why do we, as humans, have a seemingly ever-constant habit of comparing our lives to those of others? Why am I pitting myself against my family and friends concerning life “status” when they’ve never done what I’ve done? They’ve never been where I’ve been (nor had even remotely the same experience). There’s really no fair comparison. I mean, look at me - I’ve moved 5 times in the past 6 years - 5 times! That makes it very hard to start having a family, etc. So why would I compare myself to my “stationary” family and friends? That’s just not right.

I don’t know - life is interesting. It’s amazing to see how everything turns out - every situation with an unexpected ending. I’d like to see what my unexpected ending is going to be…

my options (or, what i want vs. what will actually happen)

This may not come as a huge surprise to people who know me, but I hate change. Why would this be a surprise to those who don’t? I’m in the US Military - our lives are all about change. But what I hate most about change is when I can’t control it.

I love getting to live in new places but I HATE moving to new places. I’m not a fan of finding a new place to live, a new place to go to church and having to make new friends. Of course, I do love exploring the new place I live once I actually settle down, but I still would prefer not to move. Then again, not many people can say that they got to live in England for free for 3 years… the military does have its perks.

I have just found out the official list of places I could be stationed next… I could go to Idaho (not high on my “wants” list - this base has a pretty high suicide rate), or two bases in Florida (one of which I’ve already been to). I don’t want to be int he AF for just over 7 years and say that I’ve only been assigned to two different bases (not counting Technical Training).

Why don’t I want to go to Idaho? Well… I received an email from someone I worked with (who is now stationed there) who said that, if I get orders there, I should just consider getting out of the Air Force. Pretty bad, huh? I mean, I could get there and absolutely love it (apparently Boise is considered the safest city in the country). I could probably tough it out for the year I will be there, but I’d rather not find out. That brings me to another issue with Idaho: I will move to one side of the country (at the Air Force’s expense) to live there a year and then drive back to the East Coast (hopefully also at the Air Force’s expense). One thing I didn’t really consider when extended my enlistment was this: who will give me an 11-month or so lease? That was pretty stupid of me.

Anyway, on to Florida. I’ve been to Tyndall AFB (near Panama City, FL - the Spring Break capital of the US). I lived there for approximately 30 months. It’s not called the “Redneck Riviera” for nothing. The friends I made there were great and I loved my church there. I’m just not a huge fan of hurricanes. I think I lived through something like 7 hurricanes - and I came out completely unscathed (and with a little more money in my pockets). I’m just ready to see someplace new.

Eglin AFB is my other choice (not that I have a choice - I will be put where they want to put me). It’s a GINORMOUS base. I think it’s the largest Air Force Base in the world (as far as land-mass is concerned). It’s definitely in a nicer area than Tyndall and it has its own airport. I pretty much know the area. Plus they have an Electronic Warfare facility (it’s what I work on right now) that works on everything I love working on (using the equipment I currently use).

So those are my options. I wish I had some sort of control over where I was going. But such is the life of a member of the US Military. I’ve been very blessed with my assignments so far, I guess I could try to find the best in a potentially bad assignment for a year.

Then the countdown to being an almost-civilian begins.

a death in the "family"

A friend’s mom just died. Point blank, no romanticizing. I can’t imagine the pain he will be going through once the death has been accepted (he is seemingly in some major denial). He’s a friend of mine through Karen…

I don’t even want to begin to consider what I will feel like when I have to go though similar circumstances. Will I be the strong one in the family? Will I take charge? Or will I be the one who just clams up and doesn’t accept it because I don’t want it to be true?

We’re all getting older, that can’t be hidden or denied. No one wants to think of the remote possibility that their parents will die some day. Yet something like this is a constant reminder. It helps me realize exactly how much I appreciate and love my parents, friends, family, etc. But do I really show it? Or am I one of those friends/sisters/girlfriends who lets everyone else shower me with emotion, but I don’t relate how I’m feeling - how much I love and appreciate them?

It’s times like these that I look back and really start to question the kind of person I’ve become. Not because I’m a bad person… but am I maybe a little too selfish? I look back at my life and try to find times where I did something completely without regard as to what it would get me in return. I don’t think I can think of a single time that’s happened. Maybe I need to be reminded.

Or maybe I just need to wake up and realize how good I have it. Maybe I need to start showing people I appreciate them, and not only after they do something for me.

Maybe…

thoughts on (perceived) Human Nature

Everyone says that it’s “human nature” to do good things… but is it, really? Believe you me, I’m the type of person who tries to find the good in everything and everyone, but there are just some times when it’s impossible to do. If it’s human nature to do good, why do we all have this strong propensity to do bad things? Is the temptation just too much to deal with, so we have to give in? Or is it that we really do want to do bad, but we just stifle those wants and desires because we know they’re not right?

A friend of mine, when asked the question, told me that he thinks it’s human nature “to do whatever it takes to survive (i.e. kill, eat another person, whatever)”. I’d like to think this isn’t true, yet to some degree I know it is. This world we live in isn’t called a “dog eat dog” world for nothing.

He also brought up another point - we all have different views on what is bad. How can our society, which seems to know right from wrong, have such differing views? For example: down South (back in the day) it was perfectly alright, to some extent, for someone to lynch a black person. Perhaps for no other reason than for the fact that said black person looked at them “the wrong way”. Yet, up North, that would have been completely unacceptable.

Watch Primetime TV today - how many shows, to some extent, glorify murder or drug use? Sure, the murder may have been committed with “good intentions”, but does that make it any more right than, say, a serial killer’s many murders? Do we, as a society, teach our young ones that killing someone really isn’t as bad as the law makes it out to be?

It seems to me that Hollywood may play a major roll in this viewpoint. For example, how many movies can you name that have absolutely no killing or reference to killing someone in it/them (without that movie being labeled a “family movie”)? Now, how many movies can you name that have at least one death from unnatural causes? Is that number larger than the first? Sure, the MPAA tries to shield our children/teens from this type of “entertainment” by giving these movies a PG-13 or higher rating, but what good does that really do?

I remember back when Saving Private Ryan first came out. My sisters and I really wanted to see it, but I wasn’t quite 17. I got into the movie theater with a signed note (yes, the note was authentic) from my parents stating that it was ok for me to see this rated R movie. One thing I remember (probably the only thing) from that experience was seeing grown men (some in their 60’s) crying while watching the war/action scenes. I realize that some of this was because the movie brought back memories that these men had fought for years to suppress. But, now as I look back, I can’t help but remember that not one person under the age of 30 seemed to be bothered by the graphic violence/death scenes. My sisters and I seemed the be the only people under the age of 30 who were visually upset by the slow, painful death of one of the characters when a dagger was very slowly, very deliberately shoved into his heart by a German soldier (who seemed to be performing the act out of revenge - he seemed completely blind to the fact that he was taking a sacred human life). Has modern society become so anesthetized towards death that death only bothers us when it effects us personally?

I’d like to think that my human nature is to do good. But, then again, I don’t really know. There are some days where doing what’s right is the least of my worries. So why do I do what’s right? Because I’m afraid of the consequences. Are consequences the only thing that keep us from killing everyone off? If so, we’re really no different than the animals in the wild. We’ve been given a capacity to love, to know the different of right from wrong. If we, as humans, have been given this precious gift, I’d like to think we’re using it. For the most part, I think we’re doing a good job. But is it because we are truly good or because we’re denying what seems to be this thing called Human Nature?

ants & three-day weekends

It's a three-day weekend for me. The first of two in a row (almost unheard of at this base lovingly referred to as "Lakenhell"). Pilots are allowed patches on their flight suits called "morale patches". One famous one from our base consists of two guys facing each other, one kicking the other in the groin. The text? "Lakenheath - morale stops here".


Believe it or not, it's true. That's what makes these little surprise/short notice three-day weekends so nice. If we don't know about them in advance, and they just happen, we really do feel like we're appreciated. At least I do.



There seem to be so many options when one is faced with multiple three-day weekends (or, heck, even just one three-day weekend). Unfortunately, I think mine will be spent being responsible - spring cleaning, do some much-needed dishes and laundry, etc.



I also need to call my landlady about my recent (aka happened this morning) ant infestation. No joke... it's nasty. There is a never-ending trail of ants front my front door to a wall inside my living room. The entryway into my living room is currently a black moving stream. I'm trying to keep the ants at bay with chili pepper (I don't have cayenne pepper - that works the best), and it seems to be working. At least right now.

I haven't seen Karen in what seems like decades. She might be staying over this weekend (although I still won't get to see much of her). She has a weekend-long class on Mildenhall, but even seeing her just after her classes is good enough for me. We're WAY overdue a shopping trip. She is my best friend here... Life seems kind of empty without her here for me to make a fool of myself with. She's a great stress reliever for me.


We'll see each other soon. And when we do, watch out Cambridge!

when you want to be closer

Have you ever noticed that, no matter how much you may miss someone at any given time, you always want to be nearer when they're going through a trying time (surgery, death of a loved one, hard times in general)?

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it seems that trials make the heart grow "fonderer"... those trials make the separation that much harder to bear.

What makes us, as humans, need to be near someone we love who is hurting? I know there the whole "we're human, we have the capacity to love and the need to nurture" answer, but is there something else? I can see a commercial on TV for the "Sponsor our Children" organizations, and my heart will ache for the people in the commercials. But, normally, once the commercial is off the screen (or I'm just plain distracted by something else), those people are completely out of my mind. Yet it seems that nothing can remove someone I know from my mind when they're going through something that may put a strain on their day-to-day life.

Why is it that some people can ache for people they don't know... ache enough to leave everything they know and love to help care for these people, to show them the only love they may ever know? Why is it that, for some people (sadly, myself included), we get caught up in the whirlwind of excitement that comes with sponsoring a child we've never met, but once it becomes part of everyday life, we tend to put that on the back burner? I'm terribly guilty of this, no matter how hard I try to stay excited about it.

But I've gotten off-track.

I've noticed since moving away from my family/loved ones that I miss them most either when I've just left them or when I know I'm going to see them soon. This time that missing them seems almost unbearable. My days are brighter because I know I'm seeing Adam and my family in almost less than 2 months, but they are also a little darker (at the same time, strangely) because I know that no matter how much I want to be with them now, I have to wait.

What brought on my writing this? Well, I'm sure Adam won't mind my telling you... he's getting his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. They're all impacted. I would give anything to be there with him, to try and help him feel just a little better when the pain starts. I know I won't really be able to do anything to help, but for me (and maybe this is selfish), just being there, sitting in a room with him would be better than the options I currently have.

At least this is the (hopefully) only surgery that I won't be able to take care of him afterwards. I look forward to the day when I'll be able to drop anything to be with Adam, my sisters or the rest of my family & friends when they're going through a rough time.

Yes, I do want to be closer. Much closer.

a "confession" of sorts

Day 8/366 • At least I look creative...
Originally uploaded by .lollo.

I've discovered that I'm afraid of my own creativity.

I love the release that comes with being creative... it's like the parts of me that are stifled in the technical world I live in can finally get out. But that release scares me. What if I want too much of it? What if I reveal too much? Will my artwork offend some people?

But another question I think I'm afraid of finding out the answer to is: Am I really creative, am I good at the artistic projects/photography I set out to create? Or is it just my friends and family are blinded by how bad it is because they're my family and they have to think it's great? Will I ever be crushed by the realization that I'm not, in fact, creative?

I see all of these projects and designs everyday - they float around inside my head like a beetle swimming across the top of a pool of water. they are innumerable. But when it comes to actually translating what I see into real life, onto paper/canvas/film, I can't do it. It seems impossible. These are my projects and ideas, screaming to be released. But I can't do it.

Have I just painted myself into a non-creative corner? When I try to sit down and actually create something, I can't. It seems all I can do is copy someone else's work. But when I'm not in a place where I can give into my creative impulses, that's when the real, raw creativity flows. Oh how I wish it were the other way around.

Reading this back, I've realized that it seems like almost everything I've posted is negative. My life isn't that bad - there really aren't a ton of negative things that have happened. I guess I just really need to write things out when I'm depressed/feeling down. I should try to write things when I'm elated, too. Maybe that would help me push through this 8+ year creativity wall I've run into.

trying to be cool

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm, like, in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.
-- Juno

You may ask why this is at the beginning of my blog. Well, I'll tell you.


There seems to be a lot of emphasis on being cool... especially on those who don't seem to try. How is it that these people just know how to be cool while the rest of us seem lost on the way to finding "cool"? Little do we know, however, that the people we think don't try actually try the hardest. I'll be the first to admit - I do try to be cool. I don't know if it works, but I have friends so I must not be that far off the mark. But why do we try so hard? Is anyone able to continuously live up to the definition of "cool"?

I was recently told that I'm respected. This totally made my day. I'm not sure why it felt so good to hear it - I see the evidence of it every day. Maybe it was just because someone confirmed what I thought was going on... and it was a happy moment for me. People recognize that I'm doing good things. It's nice to get that little bit of recognition.

Anyway, back to being cool... does "cool" just come naturally, or do we all work really hard at being cool in our own way? How can so many people have such different definitions of cool? There were the jocks at school, the nerds, the band geeks, the independent crowd, the artsy crowd, etc... by their own definitions, they were all cool to a certain extent.

Maybe being cool is actually your own acceptance of yourself. Once you like yourself enough to accept who and what you are, then you are cool.

i suck at this

So I totally need to get better at posting blogs...

I'm sorry, I will try harder in the future. But not now. It's time to get ready for work.

tin foil and cats

So, in an effort to get more/better sleep every day, I decided to put tin foil on my bedroom windows to keep the sun out. Boy does it work! I have to keep my bedroom door open, though (for the boys to have easy access to their litter box), so there's still a good amount of sunlight in the room.

I always figured that the answer to my not-always-present sleeping problems was the sunlight. Not so, my friend, not so. I slept really well the first day or two with the foil on my windows. But now it seems my body is so used to trying to sleep with sunlight that I think it's rebelling against having actual darkness to work with.

Foil also seems to be a great insulator. If the room's cold when I go to bed, it's cold when I wake up. If the room's warm when I go to sleep, it's always warm when I wake up (sometimes to the point of discomfort). This foil idea is amazing, though. I got the idea from some of the guys I supervise. Of course, they live in the Dorms on base or have skylights in their rooms (if they live off-base), so their foil isn't quite as apparent. People expect that of the "dorm rats" on base. And the guy who lives off-base is lucky enough to have the skylight, so no one sees his foil. You can spot the foil on my windows from a mile away! Foil is apparently GREAT at reflecting sunlight.

I've recently learned exactly how attached I am becoming to Oscar & Ziggy. I had an unpleasant dream about them last night and I woke up crying. It also made me a little sick to my stomach (the circumstances in the dream, that is). I talk to them... we have conversations. Okay, Oscar and I have conversations. Ziggy just meows to imitate Oscar's "barking" and then stares at me blankly when I answer back.

They sleep with me... not so uncommon, right? Except for the fact that Oscar tends to sleep like a human. He snuggles up next to me, then is really restless until I cover him up with my blanket to mid-torso. He won't sleep if his arms or head are covered up. Sometimes he even sleeps on his back (much like humans). It's adorable. Ziggy couldn't care where or how he sleeps as long as he's comfortable. He usually sleeps either completely under the covers, down where my legs & hips meet, or on a pillow next to mine (if not on my own pillow, seemingly trying to smother me). The pillow next to mine (aka Ziggy's pillow) has some fake lamb's wool on it. It's something that my friend Kelly gave me when she was cat-sitting for me. Ziggy will only fall asleep for the night if he's touching someone or if he's on that silly pillow.

Such simple (sometimes complex) creatures, yet they give me so much joy. But they're not fans of the foil. They run away from it. I guess it makes too much noise for them.

a kind of (not so) random question

This is a short blog... it's not really a blog. It's a question. I'd appreciate any and all input...

I'm just curious as to what people think...

when someone's trust is betrayed, their first reaction is always "you'll have to earn my trust back." my question is, what does it take for someone to earn one's trust back?

just curious to see your answers...

the Giant is not a Giant anymore...

There's something amazingly refreshing about winning a "fight" when you know that what you stand for is right. The individuals I was fighting against are people I've been fighting against for most of my career. Well, they symbolize all of those people anyway. I can't go into the specifics of what went on, but let me tell you that I fought the good fight (as short-lived as it was). I was indeed stuck between a rock and a hard place. It seemed like no one would take up my side with me. I thought I was going to have to face this Giant alone.

Boy was I wrong.

I knew what I had to do, but I almost let people make me feel bad for choosing to do what I know is right. These people seemingly tried to use their status to bully me into doing what they wanted me to do. All the while making it look like the decision they told me they wanted me to make would be my own.

Today I became a conqueror. Maybe not in a HUGE sense, but in a sense that even the little guy can win sometimes. I am that little man - and I am a conqueror because of it. Not only was I right, but everyone else agreed with me (but I didn't know that at the time).

Now, I don't want to make it sound like I'm infallible or that I think too highly of myself... I'm not and I definitely don't. But the freedom that comes from making the right decision, and to having people back you up, is amazing.

Why are we so afraid to stand up against those we think are better than us? Maybe not better, but those that we perceive to control our collective fates? I've always been afraid to stick up for myself towards certain people, to stand up for something I know is right (but only towards those same certain people). As it turns out, these people make bad decisions, too. Somehow, knowing that (and being directly effected by that) makes it so much easier to stand up when I have to.

I don't know - maybe this isn't making any sense. Maybe this will inspire some of you to make decisions that are in the wings, waiting to be made. Maybe knowing that someone as small as myself, as seemingly insignificant in this huge game called life can make a difference will help.

I just wanted to share my elatedness with you... thanks for sharing in my joy.

doubts, questions and something good

I'm not gonna lie - things at work have SUCKED lately. It seems like every time I get a good handle on things/finally completely understand what's going on, something comes around that shoots me down, throws me for a loop... makes me lose my cool. I know, I know - you're shocked. A Taylor woman would lose her cool? Apparently everyone at work thinks I'm pretty even-keeled except for the past few days.

All of this suckiness is really not helping me make the decisions that need to be made (if not by the middle of this month, then by the end of my enlistment). I know what I want to do, and I'm pretty sure it's the right thing. But people keep on telling me I need to make concrete plans for my future. The problem with that? There is absolutely NO WAY to make concrete plans when you're talking about the military. Or when certain things that you're planning on happening can't happen for awhile because of previously existing circumstances out of your control.

Anyway, that is completely stressing me out. Especially because everyone is offering advice. I'm never against being given advice, I just don't think that the advice should make me question everything I've ever considered doing with my future. But enough about that.

I need to learn to stand up for myself against a certain person. This person thinks I know absolutely nothing about what I do for a living. They try to push me around. The other morning I didn't let them push me around, and they just looked at me w/ HUGE eyes wondering what had happened. I must admit, it felt pretty good to have that happen. I just have to work up the nerve to have a one-on-one (with a chaperone/neutral party, also) with this person to talk stuff out. That might take awhile.

I'm not sure why I felt like writing this, but it has been awhile since I've written anything.

Oh - a family characteristic of mine is to try to find the positive in any situation. Well, I can't really find a positive to that situation, but I have been with Adam for 7 months as of yesterday. And I'm seeing him in just over 4 months. Once I return from that trip, it'll be about a month until I return to the States for good. I'm really excited about that. I would like to know where I'm going to be stationed, but oh well. That'll come. It's gonna be so awesome to be close to family again... and hopefully within driving distance of Adam. Yay.


Adam & me at his Mom's house on 20 Dec 07.

"blah" moods, among other things

I'm in a "blah" mood. But how would I explain what I feel like? Is a mood dependent on a person's personality? I guess this is kind of like the question "Do you see a shade of green the same way I see that same shade of green?" Are they the same color? I know that people respond differently to moods depending on their personalities... so I ask you, is my "blah" mood the same as yours?

I've been in quite a few "blah" moods lately. I know why, and I'm sure they won't go away any time soon. But it would be nice. It seems like when it rains, it pours. When one thing (seemingly the worst thing in the world) happens, something worse inevitably is around the corner (ok, I know it's not really like that, but let me be a pessimist for just a little while). I've run into that recently. And the sad thing is that I can't do anything about it but wait out the mood/the feelings. I can pray about it, but in the end it's all about playing the "hurry up and wait" game. Definitely not my favorite past time. I'd rather play the "take your time, enjoy the journey and get there happily" game. That one's definitely more fun - and seemingly more rewarding. But, if you think about it, it's not. There's a reason to play "hurry up and wait", and it's usually for the betterment of myself. I hate getting better at something. That's when there's the most pain, I think.

I've been thinking about my reactions to people and people's reactions to me recently. Why do people make others feel stupid? I know that whether I feel stupid is dependent on my point of view/acceptance of one's opinions, but why even try? I know I'm guilty of this. Maybe inadvertently, but it happens. Looking back I always feel bad and I try to apologize. But how do I apologize for making someone feel stupid? The apology, in and of itself, is almost like a putdown ("I'm sorry for making you feel stupid"). To me, that seems like I'm saying "I know I'm smarter than you are, but I'm sorry for helping you realize it."

I've found that when I'm in a "blah" mood, I don't want to do anything. And when I say "anything", I mean anything. Having plans with friends doesn't matter. Needing to clean the house doesn't matter. Heck, even being hungry doesn't seem to matter. I'm in this mood, and I'm gonna stay in it. I know there are things I can do to break it, but sometimes I just enjoy the sweet melancholy of my "blah" mood. I get so wrapped up in it that I completely forget why I'm in this mood in the first place. Maybe that's what I do with things I don't want to deal with - I get in this mood so that I can forget about them and enjoy the misery of my mood (regardless of what caused it).

Hmm... the things that come out in blogs.

thoughts on blogging

I am continually amazed at how people can "religiously" blog every day. I can see how it would be addicting and, I must admit, other people's lives seem MUCH more interesting than mine. Especially because my life seems to consist of this on weekdays (depending on if we're starting in the AM or PM - i start my day in the PM):

approx 4p: wake up
approx 4p - 8p: hang w/ Oscar & Ziggy, watch movies, clean house
approx 8p: talk w/ Adam on Skype if he's home from work
9:30p: start getting ready for work
10p: leave for work
7a: get home from work, talk to Adam on Skype
approx 8a: go to sleep

Now, granted, I do have some thought processes throughout the day like normal people do, but nothing deep enough to blog about (at least I don't think so). I have noticed, however, that blogging is a great release. But sometimes I use blogs to reveal a little too much about what I'm going through. Just look at my first few blogs on myspace. They were all about how someone hurt me, how much I loved/liked someone, etc. Since then I've started revealing a lot less about myself in blogs, or at least I've been just as transparent, but a little more cryptic to protect myself and others. Maybe these changes in my blogs are also attributed to my growing up. I'm not sure. Writing a blog is great therapy, though.

Anyways, looking at my schedule, it just doesn't seem like there's enough going on to write about. Maybe my life is too boring. Or maybe I should pay more attention to what goes on in my day-to-day life and find what's special, what makes each day unique. Maybe I just need to open my eyes and bask in the wonder that is my life.

soul-searching

I feel like writing. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about saying it. This seems to be happening to me a lot, lately. I'm so full of things to say, there's so much I want to share... but I can't.

I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.

I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?

I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.

I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?

Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.

I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.

So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.

I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.