I've discovered that I'm afraid of my own creativity.
I love the release that comes with being creative... it's like the parts of me that are stifled in the technical world I live in can finally get out. But that release scares me. What if I want too much of it? What if I reveal too much? Will my artwork offend some people?
But another question I think I'm afraid of finding out the answer to is: Am I really creative, am I good at the artistic projects/photography I set out to create? Or is it just my friends and family are blinded by how bad it is because they're my family and they have to think it's great? Will I ever be crushed by the realization that I'm not, in fact, creative?
I see all of these projects and designs everyday - they float around inside my head like a beetle swimming across the top of a pool of water. they are innumerable. But when it comes to actually translating what I see into real life, onto paper/canvas/film, I can't do it. It seems impossible. These are my projects and ideas, screaming to be released. But I can't do it.
Have I just painted myself into a non-creative corner? When I try to sit down and actually create something, I can't. It seems all I can do is copy someone else's work. But when I'm not in a place where I can give into my creative impulses, that's when the real, raw creativity flows. Oh how I wish it were the other way around.
Reading this back, I've realized that it seems like almost everything I've posted is negative. My life isn't that bad - there really aren't a ton of negative things that have happened. I guess I just really need to write things out when I'm depressed/feeling down. I should try to write things when I'm elated, too. Maybe that would help me push through this 8+ year creativity wall I've run into.
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