I'm in a "blah" mood. But how would I explain what I feel like? Is a mood dependent on a person's personality? I guess this is kind of like the question "Do you see a shade of green the same way I see that same shade of green?" Are they the same color? I know that people respond differently to moods depending on their personalities... so I ask you, is my "blah" mood the same as yours?
I've been in quite a few "blah" moods lately. I know why, and I'm sure they won't go away any time soon. But it would be nice. It seems like when it rains, it pours. When one thing (seemingly the worst thing in the world) happens, something worse inevitably is around the corner (ok, I know it's not really like that, but let me be a pessimist for just a little while). I've run into that recently. And the sad thing is that I can't do anything about it but wait out the mood/the feelings. I can pray about it, but in the end it's all about playing the "hurry up and wait" game. Definitely not my favorite past time. I'd rather play the "take your time, enjoy the journey and get there happily" game. That one's definitely more fun - and seemingly more rewarding. But, if you think about it, it's not. There's a reason to play "hurry up and wait", and it's usually for the betterment of myself. I hate getting better at something. That's when there's the most pain, I think.
I've been thinking about my reactions to people and people's reactions to me recently. Why do people make others feel stupid? I know that whether I feel stupid is dependent on my point of view/acceptance of one's opinions, but why even try? I know I'm guilty of this. Maybe inadvertently, but it happens. Looking back I always feel bad and I try to apologize. But how do I apologize for making someone feel stupid? The apology, in and of itself, is almost like a putdown ("I'm sorry for making you feel stupid"). To me, that seems like I'm saying "I know I'm smarter than you are, but I'm sorry for helping you realize it."
I've found that when I'm in a "blah" mood, I don't want to do anything. And when I say "anything", I mean anything. Having plans with friends doesn't matter. Needing to clean the house doesn't matter. Heck, even being hungry doesn't seem to matter. I'm in this mood, and I'm gonna stay in it. I know there are things I can do to break it, but sometimes I just enjoy the sweet melancholy of my "blah" mood. I get so wrapped up in it that I completely forget why I'm in this mood in the first place. Maybe that's what I do with things I don't want to deal with - I get in this mood so that I can forget about them and enjoy the misery of my mood (regardless of what caused it).
Hmm... the things that come out in blogs.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
thoughts on blogging
I am continually amazed at how people can "religiously" blog every day. I can see how it would be addicting and, I must admit, other people's lives seem MUCH more interesting than mine. Especially because my life seems to consist of this on weekdays (depending on if we're starting in the AM or PM - i start my day in the PM):
approx 4p: wake up
approx 4p - 8p: hang w/ Oscar & Ziggy, watch movies, clean house
approx 8p: talk w/ Adam on Skype if he's home from work
9:30p: start getting ready for work
10p: leave for work
7a: get home from work, talk to Adam on Skype
approx 8a: go to sleep
Now, granted, I do have some thought processes throughout the day like normal people do, but nothing deep enough to blog about (at least I don't think so). I have noticed, however, that blogging is a great release. But sometimes I use blogs to reveal a little too much about what I'm going through. Just look at my first few blogs on myspace. They were all about how someone hurt me, how much I loved/liked someone, etc. Since then I've started revealing a lot less about myself in blogs, or at least I've been just as transparent, but a little more cryptic to protect myself and others. Maybe these changes in my blogs are also attributed to my growing up. I'm not sure. Writing a blog is great therapy, though.
Anyways, looking at my schedule, it just doesn't seem like there's enough going on to write about. Maybe my life is too boring. Or maybe I should pay more attention to what goes on in my day-to-day life and find what's special, what makes each day unique. Maybe I just need to open my eyes and bask in the wonder that is my life.
approx 4p: wake up
approx 4p - 8p: hang w/ Oscar & Ziggy, watch movies, clean house
approx 8p: talk w/ Adam on Skype if he's home from work
9:30p: start getting ready for work
10p: leave for work
7a: get home from work, talk to Adam on Skype
approx 8a: go to sleep
Now, granted, I do have some thought processes throughout the day like normal people do, but nothing deep enough to blog about (at least I don't think so). I have noticed, however, that blogging is a great release. But sometimes I use blogs to reveal a little too much about what I'm going through. Just look at my first few blogs on myspace. They were all about how someone hurt me, how much I loved/liked someone, etc. Since then I've started revealing a lot less about myself in blogs, or at least I've been just as transparent, but a little more cryptic to protect myself and others. Maybe these changes in my blogs are also attributed to my growing up. I'm not sure. Writing a blog is great therapy, though.
Anyways, looking at my schedule, it just doesn't seem like there's enough going on to write about. Maybe my life is too boring. Or maybe I should pay more attention to what goes on in my day-to-day life and find what's special, what makes each day unique. Maybe I just need to open my eyes and bask in the wonder that is my life.
Monday, January 7, 2008
soul-searching
I feel like writing. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about saying it. This seems to be happening to me a lot, lately. I'm so full of things to say, there's so much I want to share... but I can't.
I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.
I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?
I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.
I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?
Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.
I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.
So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.
I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.
I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.
I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?
I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.
I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?
Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.
I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.
So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.
I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.
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