soul-searching

I feel like writing. I've got a lot to say, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about saying it. This seems to be happening to me a lot, lately. I'm so full of things to say, there's so much I want to share... but I can't.

I've been rocked to my core a few times in my life. Each time, I've made it through (seemingly) swimmingly. Or maybe I don't really make it through, I just suppress my feelings until I forget about them. I don't like dealing with my negative emotions, no matter how much they need to be dealt with.

I am a very emotional person. I was talking to one of my bosses at work about what's been happening lately, and I told him that. He was shocked. I'm "always so level headed" (except for the rare occasions when I have raging outbursts). Then I was talking to Adam this morning, and he told me that I don't deal with my emotions. I think he's right. But why is that? Am I afraid to admit that I'm human? Am I afraid that, if I face these emotions and deal with them, things might turn out the way I don't want them to?

I'm always so in to helping other people through their troubled times that, when it comes time for me to search deep down and find out what I'm feeling and why, I feel really selfish. Is that a normal response? I guess I've taught myself over time that if I focus on myself, I'm self-absorbed. And somewhere along the way, I learned that I'm not self-absorbed if I just forget about my feelings altogether. Or even if I don't talk about them, they don't exist.

I'll admit, sometimes I feel dead on the inside. Not like I'm not living (because obviously I am) but like I am incapable of feeling. I do love, I do get hurt, I do get angry. But to me, all of these feel exactly the same on the inside. I was watching Stardust the other day and Claire Danes' (sp?) character was explaining how she was feeling and that she knew what she was feeling was love. I know I love, but I never get that "my heart is trying to escape from my chest" feeling that she was talking about. Is that just Hollywood romanticizing things like they do so well?

Does anyone else feel this way? I've been doing some soul-searching as of late (obviously), and I'm not sure what's come of it. Every day on the way to work I pray to God to help me give my entire day and what happens in it over to Him, that I let Him take control of every aspect of me. I get so worked up (recently) when I pray that I walk into work looking like I've been up crying all night. It's hard praying for people you don't necessarily want to be around or that you don't necessarily want to pray for. There is this person that I know I need to pray for - someone I've never met. This person has had a huge impact on my life, and I need to pray for him/her. Honestly, there's nothing harder than praying for someone you don't want to (and meaning it). I do mean it - I want God's best for this person.

I guess I've come into a time of almost forced spiritual growth. It hurts. I don't like seeing myself as I truly am. Mainly because I'm worried about how others will react when they find out what I'm really like, what my true thoughts are that run through my head daily. If people knew, I don't think I'd have a single friend on this Earth.

So, spiritual growth, gaining an understanding of God's infinite Grace, and learning how to love unconditionally. That last one is a toughy. I didn't know what it meant to unconditionally love until recently. Let me tell you, it's a great thing. It's a great thing to give, and an even better thing to receive. I can honestly say that (while it may not be like it is in the movies) I now know what true love is. I know the meaning of it. I'm not going to romanticize it. I refuse to. Love is hard work. It's something that is too good to be romanticized. Don't get me wrong, romance is GREAT. But to truly love someone when the romance isn't/can't be there, that's when love is, in my opinion, the most worth it and the most meaningful. It's looking someone in the eye and saying, "Times suck, but I love you. I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere." There's nothing more comforting than hearing those words and knowing the person who's saying them to you means them.

I guess this is to all you lovers out there - love is the best thing in the world, but sometimes it's the worst. Stick with it - it's totally worth it. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as I work through this period in my life.