news and not-so-news

It's been awhile since I wrote a blog. A few things have happened since I last "opened" up. I got fired (sort of), doctors thought I have glaucoma (they're still working to see if they can find out what's wrong with me), and I got two of the most adorable kittens in the world.

Yeah, I got fired. But, aside from the crappy/shady circumstances, this is actually a really good thing for me. It means I'm back to working on the floor, as a Team Leader, in the area I love (aka TISS). I'm working mid shift (normally 2230-0645) starting tonight. I'm excited and nervous. I've been off the floor for over a year, so it might be hard to get back into the swing of things. But I'm looking forward to it.

Doctors thought I had glaucoma. I went to sick call one day because I had a TERRIBLE headache and my eyes were hurting/were sensitive to light. They had been like that for about three days. So I went to sick call and the doctor I had was awesome. Definitely not a normal military doctor. For one, she wears civilian clothes. AND she listens to everything you say and doesn't automatically prescribe Vitamin M (motrin for those of you not in the military). Military doctors prescribe Vitamin M for everything. If you're dying because you're bleeding out in your abdomen, Vitamin M will take care of it. If you're going blind, just take Vitamin M. It's bound to work. Anyways, I went to see this awesome doctor and she called over to the optometry clinic and told them to see me right away. I spent a total of 3-4 hours in some form of medical clinic or another that day. The doctor couldn't find out what was wrong with me. So, I'm going back tomorrow (3 weeks later) for a "vision path" test and a normal check-up. My eyes still hurt periodically, and I still get the headache(s) at least once a week. Hopefully they can give me something. I did a little research and I found a medication for "elevated intra-ocular pressure" (most likely what I have). It relieves the pressure, which would be really nice, but it also dyes the whites of your eyes to a really dingy color after so long.. I'm kind of vain, I guess. I like the whites of my eyes being white. But I also like living without pain or discomfort.

I have new kittens - Oscar & Ziggy. They're Tabbies (at least that's what I've been told). One's smart, one's not-so-smart. But they love them and I love them. Ziggy will come up to me, put his nose on my nose, then knead my face with his paws. I was talking to someone about that, and she said kittens normally only do that to their mom's. I guess I'm "mom". I can finally leave them out in the house on their own when I go to work and when I go to bed. They're awesome. They're obedient, too (especially if I come at them with a water bottle to squirt water in their faces - they're not fans of that).

Oh - I've gotten rid of my cable. I'm saving approx. $90/month by getting rid of it. Life seems less complicated without it. I can get my news from the internet and I'm reading a lot more. It's actually very relaxing.

They've found the Avian Flu on a farm near where I work. I guess that's another reason that I won't be able to give blood for the rest of my life. I'm just rackin' 'em up! They're telling us not to worry. They think they've killed all of the infected birds. I wonder what the AF is going to do to keep us from getting it. Maybe another experimental vaccination... fun.

Ok, I should go now. I have to go iron my uniform and shine my boots. Day shift has a uniform inspection tomorrow... I'm not sure if they're going to look at us. But it's better to be safe than sorry.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving. And it's only 31 days until I'm back in the States with Adam and my family. =)

decision-making

I think I've finally decided what I want to do when my enlistment is up. I want to go Guard... possibly into Aviation (or Operations) Resource Management. Hopefully I can. Now I need to decide if I want to get out of Active Duty early or if I want to wait until my actual enlistment is up. I just don't know. AND I need to find a base that's willing to accept my application... and pray that it's one I want to go to. I'd love to end up somewhere in PA. There's also a base in D.C. that supposedly has an opening. But D.C. is a really expensive place to live. I don't know.

You might ask what brought this on. Well, it's the fact that I can retrain into anything I want to. I want out of Aircraft Maintenance (even though I love it). I want out of it because I'll end up behind a desk. I'm already behind a desk, and I'm not a huge fan of it (at least not in the maintenance world). if I'm going to be behind a desk I want it to be because I am trained for a desk job. Maybe it's selfish, but I've got to like what I'm doing, right?

I want to go Guard because I love the military - and I love the job security. I just don't want to move my family around every 4 years or so, or get stuck at a base I don't want to be at. Amazing, my parents are actually behind me this time, which is really exciting. And Adam's willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together. I just really want to be closer to my family. And Adam. And this is one good way to make it work.

Lace Curtains

Have you ever thought about the complexity of lace curtains? I know they weren't meant to have a deep hidden meaning, but they do. Think about it - lace curtains exist to let us see outside, but to make sure that no one can see in. They let the light in but keep everyone out. We're all like that - we want to be able to see out, to see everything that's going on. But we don't necessarily (if ever) want to let people see what's going on inside.

Why is that? The human race is supposed to love one another, care for one another. Yet we're all so private. It's hard to let someone in. But once we do, where are our lace curtains to keep our most private thoughts and desires private? Better yet, why do we think we can have lace curtains with God? He's all-knowing, all-seeing. Why do we think we can hide our deepest, darkest secrets from Him? He always sees them, and He loves us even more than any of us can comprehend in spite of them. Is it human nature to doubt a love that never ends, the "blindest" love of them all? Is that why we have Lace Curtains: to hide our hurts, our hang-ups, and our embarrassing actions/thoughts from a God that we don't think can love us unconditionally?

the beginning

So, this is the beginning of my new blog site... it's quite the venture, especially considering I'm horrible at updating things like this (even though I start out with the best of intentions). But, since my sister has one. And she updates it often, maybe that'll inspire me to write more.

I've kind of decided that i'm going to use this as a way to vent. Not necessarily about what I'm upset about, but just a place to write what I'm thinking at any given time. Like right now.

I'm in this weird funk. I feel loved, and I love everyone, but I just feel so alone right now. Maybe it's home sickness. Maybe it's missing everyone who I haven't been around for the past 5 years. I don't know. It's just this feeling I have that I can't shake. Everywhere I turn reminds me of something I'm missing out on... times with Adam, times with my family in Ohio, times with my family in Pennsylvania. When I go home to visit, I feel like an outsider sometimes. I know I'm not an outsider, but I'm always missing the important events in life.

I miss Adam. I want so much to be near him - to be involved in his everyday life. But I can't be. And, to be honest, that is killing me. He said the other day that this year will probably be the hardest year of our lives. I don't doubt it. I just don't want it to get any worse.

I'm ready to come home. I'm ready to be around everyone I love the most (minus a few friends here that I'm dreading leaving behind). I can't really explain this feeling. I've just never wanted so much to be near my family and friends. And knowing that, right now, there's nothing I can do about it isn't really helping.

The military is a great life, I just think I'm ready to be out of it. I love the security of it, but it's taking me away from my family. I want to have a job where I don't have to move once every 3-4 years. I want a job that I can quit if it starts getting really bad. I want a job where I can go talk to someone if I don't feel appreciated. Although, I do enjoy not having to worry about what to wear to work. I do enjoy not having to buy clothes to wear to work... and I do love the clothing allowance (and every other allowance) we get yearly/monthly.

I just really want to be home. I want to be within driving distance of my family and Adam. Heck, I'd even settle for the same timezone.