change can be a good thing. right?

I didn’t sleep very well last night (well, my last night - for you non-nighttime workers that’s “this morning/today” to you). I’m not sure if it’s because it was warm in my room (I turned on the fan just in case) or because I just feel “not right”.

I’ve really felt like talking to people lately, but for seemingly no apparent reason. I just want to talk. Any person who can hold a decent conversation seems to be my unlucky target. I did notice that, since I’m so close to going home, I have this immense desire to talk to people from home. But, again, for no apparent reason.

I just noticed that probably 90% of the sentences I’ve already written start with some form of the word “I”. Maybe I need to be a little less self-absorbed. So I’m going to write about something else. But what?

It seems that a lot of people I know are going through seasons of change. I’m currently in contact with someone from another base who is coming here… all because they want to find a way to make the “change” a little easier/go a little smoother. But, then again, who doesn’t want that?

My parents have hit the retirement age… my dad can officially retire in June. It seems really weird that he’s old enough for retirement. I remember back in the day when we used to get excused from elementary school on Halloween to go bowling all day - those were the best times. And now he’s retiring. When did we all get so old? My oldest sister is pregnant again. My second oldest sister wants to start trying to have another baby (this would make three). My younger sister is on a waiting list to move into a group home and my brother is my brother (things are always changing with him).

It’s “sort of” Spring here in England. I say “sort of” because it snowed last week, and now it’s in the 60’s today (but it was in the high 50’s two weeks ago). Tomorrow it’ll probably shoot back down to the low 40’s, just because it can. In the States, the saying is “March - in like a lion, out like a lamb”. Well, over here in England the saying should be “Spring - not really Spring… more like Winter, but worse”. Ok, it’s not quite as catchy, but it gets the point across.

Maybe all of this, in some strange way, has contributed to my feeling “not right”. Things are changing at home - with friends, with family, etc - and I’m not there for it. I hate missing changes… I noticed that the first time I went on leave after joining the Air Force. Even though I’ve progressed leaps and bounds over the past 6+ years I’ve been in the Service, going home is always tough on me. I see my siblings, my aunts/uncles and my cousins - they all (and I mean all) have gotten married and become parents (obviously my aunts & uncles have become grandparents). And then here I am, living in England doing what I’m good at (I guess you could say I’m “living the life”), and I feel like, for me, time has stood completely still. I feel like they all have moved on with their lives, and here’s “little Joanna”, still not married, still not with any children.

Why do we, as humans, have a seemingly ever-constant habit of comparing our lives to those of others? Why am I pitting myself against my family and friends concerning life “status” when they’ve never done what I’ve done? They’ve never been where I’ve been (nor had even remotely the same experience). There’s really no fair comparison. I mean, look at me - I’ve moved 5 times in the past 6 years - 5 times! That makes it very hard to start having a family, etc. So why would I compare myself to my “stationary” family and friends? That’s just not right.

I don’t know - life is interesting. It’s amazing to see how everything turns out - every situation with an unexpected ending. I’d like to see what my unexpected ending is going to be…