a new spin on this holiday season

It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.

It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.

I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).

Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.

I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.

Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.

I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):

7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.

Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.

my newest adventure

I’ve been having heart issues (literally) for the past 3 years. Last month they got bad enough that I ended up in the ER for 3 or 4 hours… my heart rate was 126 when I was almost asleep.

The labs all came back negative (aka a good thing) and my chest x-ray was fine. So I went today for an echocardiogram (first time ever getting one - it was actually really cool to see my heart while it was working) and to get a Holter Monitor.

I’ve never experienced anything so amazing as seeing my heart moving while I was feeling the heartbeats. I had this stupid smile on my face while I was watching it. It’s amazing to think that technology has brought us so far that we can see the workings of our inner bodies on a computer monitor without an invasive procedure. I saw my heart THROUGH MY LIVER!!!! Amazing stuff.

All I can say is, God bless hoodies. They hide wires & the monitor well.

Call me morbid, but I actually hope they find something wrong. I want to know what’s causing my super extra fast heart rate. And I need to get back on my medicine. No, I’m not addicted, but I’ve kind of gotten used to having a normal heartbeat. My doctor doesn’t think I need to be on the medication… she’s wrong.

We’ll see how things turn out. Stay tuned for an update…

a heart broken (and lessons learned)

What do you write when your soul longs to scream out, but it doesn’t know what to say? How do you recover from a major life change - and I mean MAJOR? It’s out of your control. You didn’t cause it, you didn’t want it. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t want it. But I have no choice but to accept it. How do I deal with this?

How do I deal with this gut-wrenching pain that’s coursing through my body? How do I deal with the seemingly “foreverness” of uncertainty that is now my future? What about the emptiness that I feel in my heart? What about my feelings in all of this? Don’t they count for anything? I guess not.

I guess I’m looking for answers (as evidenced by the many questions I’ve asked). I wish there was an easy answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could erase it.

But now I have no choice but to accept it - to recover and move on. To learn from the entire situation and become stronger in spite of it. In spite? No - that would mean that I regret all of it. I will become stronger because of it.

I’ve learned that I can be put through the wringer and come out whole on the other side. I can stand up for myself and for something I believe in. I know when it’s time to say, “No more, this isn’t for me.” Now the question is, will I bring strong enough to say it if, God forbid, the need arises?

So I would like to thank you. Thank you for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. Thank you for helping to make me stronger. Do I regret the past? Not all of it - not the good times. I’m going to try to not be embarrassed for the things that have happened (and for seemingly fighting for no reason). I will try to swallow my pride and ask forgiveness (it’ll be hard, but I’ll try).

The road to recovery is going to be painful, I know. But it’s, unfortunately, a necessary evil. I just hope I’m strong enough to deal with it.

birth & loneliness

This is four days late, but I'm an aunt again. It's very exciting. We've been waiting so long for this little one to arrive that it almost seems surreal that he's finally here! I've seen pictures, and he's one of the cutest little things I've ever seen. Of course, I may be biased, but there it is.

I've discovered that 7-10 days off work (with no one to have the time off with you) might be a bit too much. It was great the first few days, but now it's just getting old. It has definitely helped with the jet lag, but I'm bored - and a bit lonely. There's only so much that texting, chatting, emailing and talking online can do for you to relieve the boredom/loneliness. But when it comes down to it, I really need someone here to share the experience with me.

I miss England. I miss my friends from England. Living back in the States seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. Why, then, do I feel so alone? It's GREAT to see all of my old friends again, but they all have their own new lives. I feel like I'm invading their experiences, almost like I'm trying to force my way into their lives. Is that what I should be doing? Is that a normal experience for coming back "home" after changing so much?

The extreme hate of moving is making me reconsider re-enlisting (if only to stay put for a few more years). The major drawbacks to re-enlisting are:
- By the time I will be getting out, I will have been in for 11 years. By then I might as well just stay in until retirement (it would only be 9 years away).
- I won't be able to cross-train (at least not right away). And if I do cross-train, I won't be coming back to PC Beach.

Right now it doesn't seem like there are that many drawbacks, but I don't want to be a "lifer". I would love to stay in Panama City, but what would I do?

Maybe I'm just tossing these ideas around because I'm lonely. Maybe I'll be stop-lossed (even though I'm pretty sure the Air Force doesn't stop-loss non-critically manned career fields). I still have a few months to decide. Hopefully by then I'll be less lonely and able to make these all-important decisions with a clearer mind.

Maybe.

a "girly" moment

I went shopping yesterday - clothes shopping, to be exact. We went to probably seven different stores, and I only bought five things. I’m proud of myself, though - I only bought two things that weren’t on sale. I bought an eye-popping, 50’s-party-style dress and a pair of shoes that match the dress perfectly! When my friend saw me in the dress and shoes, their first response was “Now that’s a Doris Day look”. It made me so happy! I’ve always wanted to dress like I lived in the 40’s/50’s.

But then I realized last night that my bad habit of shopping to relieve boredom will send me to the poor house quicker than you can say “Bob’s your uncle.” So I’m off to Hobby Lobby to try and find a cheap hobby. And I need to start finding places to use my SLR so I can start experimenting with that.

Good luck to me.

life in the fast lane (sort of)

Wow - it’s been 6 weeks since I last wrote anything! I can’t believe it’s been that long. Actually, I can. A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. I moved halfway across the world back to Florida. My 2nd nephew is soon to be born. I have my own GINORMOUS apartment with no furniture in it (yet), and I’m in the process of buying another car.

Ok, so maybe it’s not that much. But considering most of it just started happing within the past two weeks or so, it’s a lot.

Yup, I moved back to Florida. It’s really weird and really cool being back. So much has changed, yet so little has changed. My church has tripled in size since I left (and finally has its own building right down the street from where I live). Every one of my friends from church has grown so much! I don’t mean physically, I mean maturity level, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m not sure if anyone knew the exact date of my arrival. Everyone seemed so surprised to see me at church on Sunday. Every one of my friends gave me huge hugs and welcomed me home. It definitely made me feel loved - a good change from all of the goodbye’s I’ve been saying (and re-saying) over the past two months. Not that I haven’t felt loved, it’s just a nice change to be greeted with a smile and a hug instead of a tear-stained face and a hug.

Last I knew (and I’m terrible for not getting an update, I know), my sister is still waiting on her second son to grace us with his presence. She went into what I’m guessing was false labor just before I left England (5 or 6 days ago) and I haven’t heard anything since. Doctors think she can go at any time, though. It’ll be nice to actually been in-country when one of my nieces/nephews will be born.

I love my new apartment. It’s 300 sq ft bigger than my house in England. Huge! It looks so empty right now, though. I can’t wait to get all of my stuff and start decorating it. Listen to me - I sound like such a girl now! Maybe my friends aren’t the only ones who have grown over the past three years…

I’m buying another Mazda6 sometime today or tomorrow. I love it. I didn’t realize exactly how easy they drive until I drove that beast of a rental Rover around for 3 months. Oh - and I have yet to accidentally drive on the left side of the road! I really do impress myself sometimes.

Leaving my life in England was really hard. It’s still hard to adjust to the fact that all of my friends from the past three years aren’t available to talk/hang out whenever I want (or whenever they’re available). I can’t get used to being 6 hours behind them… I miss them all terribly. Even though I have all of my old friends around, I still feel lonely without my friends from England. Hopefully that loneliness will start to fade soon.

I plan on joining (or at least trying to join) the worship team at church. After spending the last three years wishing I was helping lead worship, I decided to “cowboy up” and tell my friends (the Worship Arts pastors at church) that I want to join the worship team. Of course, this all depends on what shift I end up working…

Speaking of work, I don’t have to go to work again until 3 September! I’ve been off work for a total of 7.5 out of the last 8 days! I’m loving the time off. It will be nice to have a schedule again, though. But 10 days of relaxing will make up for the not having a schedule, I think.

I miss my boys. Oscar got into a fight (or rather, was fought with) the other day. Dear, sweet, innocent Oscar! He got bitten around the base of his tail and had to be taken to the vet to have a shunt put in so it could properly drain (it got infected)! My sweet little man has a shaved bum, now, and battle scars!

That’s really all I have to say right now. Except for this: bring on the visitors!!!!!

an update on the tyranny

I’ve spoken to my British form of legal council that the Air Force gives us for free… it’s “officially” recommended that I take the Safe Driving Course. Apparently the fact that I didn’t cause the accident is not what’s being disputed (and isn’t what I would be prosecuted for). They assume that I wasn’t following at a safe speed for the distance in which I was following the cars in front of me. And if I was following at a safe speed, then I wasn’t following at a safe distance and I am thus to blame for the accident. The way it was explained to me, I’d be prosecuted for actually hitting the person, not for the accident itself. And, boy, you should hear the spin they’re putting on the whole situation.

So, unfortunately, I’m being forced to cough up approximately $410 for this day-and-a-half course. I’m going to learn how to be a “more aware” driver… a safer driver in England. They’re even being nice enough to me to let me attend the course in a different county. What nice guys.

This is a great goodbye present from the country that I’ve actually loved for the past three years. It’s definitely made the prospect of leaving easier to deal with. I’ll still miss my friends (of course) and the “beautifulness” of this country, but there’s no way I will miss this country and its asinine laws.

Let me clarify - I have nothing against the people of this country or most of its laws. Just against the way they decide someone’s at fault for something and the way they decide who to prosecute.

So, yeah - that’s the skinny I guess. I’ve pretty much been told to “shut up and color”. And color I will - with red, white and blue.