I’m sitting in the airport in Atlanta – delayed. I’ve just been “home” for 4 days, visiting family – finally getting to be a close-up Aunt instead of a far-away Aunt. Having Thanksgiving dinner with most of my family. Celebrating an early Christmas with most of my family. It’s always times like these that make me realize exactly how hard it is to live my life.
Granted, I’m not in any major danger. I don’t put my life on the line daily. There are MANY nobler jobs than mine. But I do live a day’s drive away from my family. And for a nuclear family girl like myself, that’s hard. It seems to get harder every time I see my parents, my sisters, my brothers-in-law, my nieces and my nephews. My nieces and nephews always have these new little nuances that have shown up in their personalities. It’s always time to go right as they’re opening up to me – as they’re welcoming me into their lives. And that is hard.
I’m in Atlanta and there are people rushing past me – business people, family people, military people, kids, moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, friends – you get the picture. There’s a pilot sitting directly across from me and my first thought wasn’t, “Wow, I wonder if he enjoys his job?” My first thought was, “I wonder when he last got to spend quality time with his family?” Why is it that the Holiday Season always brings thoughts of families to mind? We’re always more open to helping others during a season when we realize exactly how good we have it. Why does it take us being bombarded with images of what we have for us to realize that there are others who desperately need our help?
And then there’s me – guilty of all of this. I only think of those “less fortunate” than I am when I’m lonely. Or when I’m in an airport. What kind of hypocrite am I that I sit at home, enjoying the warmth of my many blankets while sitting on the couch, watching old movies on my flat screen TV that I had to have to replace the one the movers broken when I moved to Florida? I’m afraid I’ve totally bought into the American mentality of “I need, I need, I need” instead of “I want, I want, I want.” Because, to be honest, who needs multiple TV’s? Who needs a nice computer, a nice phone, multiple music players and a mostly new car? These are just wants.
Here’s my prayer for the Holiday Season:
“Father God, take away my desire for those things I don’t need. Teach me the difference between a need and a desire. Instead, turn that desire towards what I can do for others – for those who actually need: for those who go without daily so that their children might be able to eat. Holy Spirit, build a fire in my soul for those who hurt, for those who so desperately need to know you when I am so blessed to have been given so much by you.
God, thank you for what you’ve given me. I’ve received an overabundance of gifts from you – help me to use them for Your glory. You are an awesome God and I want to live to serve You.
Amen.”
Monday, November 30, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
an interesting end to a good week
So here I am, sitting in the USO of the Baltimore airport. A very unexpected, yet pleasant, visit. I’m stuck here overnight because of apparent bad weather in Memphis. So after a few hours of freaking out (crying, being pissed, waiting in line, getting new tickets, etc) in the airport, I can honestly say I’m ok with this.
Honestly, I’m pretty sure God had something up His sleeve when I got here. The Bag Drop lines were SUPER long and I would’ve missed my first flight. Then I found out my flight was delayed by 2 hours. Yay God. Then I found out that my flight from BWI to Memphis was taking off about 5 minutes before my flight from Memphis to Panama City was to take off. Obviously I was missing that flight.
I did find out some useful information, however. Apparently when there’s a rash of bad weather, airports make it a point to keep some seats on all flights open (until the last possible minute) for any military members whose travel has been interrupted by weather, delays, etc. So the ticketing agent tried her best to get me on a flight that would get me home tonight. But to no avail. The only flights that were flying into Panama City (or any surrounding airports, for that matter) were landing tomorrow morning.
So here I am, sitting in the USO. The man running the snack bar gave me 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies for free. For FREE! How cool is that? He had to talk me into taking them (yes, Cori, we are set for snacks for the next few weeks)! But I’m glad he did. He convinced me to pack them in my suitcase.
As I’m sitting here (using free wireless courtesy of the USO), more and more people are walking in the double glass doors. We’ll be leaving here for another room, soon, because this USO is under construction. I’ve heard it’s smaller, but it’s still free. And it’s still a safe place to stay for the night.
A Marine and I were conversating and he randomly guessed that I was in the Air Force. He said I fit the Air Force “type”, but he couldn’t explain to me what it was. So, joking around I said, “Nice? Happy?” He didn’t really have an answer, but he said that those were a few reasons. That kind of surprised me. Apparently I’m a good “ambassador” for the Air Force even when I’m not in uniform! Me, a “disruptive presence in the shop”, a good ambassador? I’d love for my Supervision to have heard that. But at least it didn’t fall on deaf ears!
Wow – LOTS of people are walking in now. Hopefully things will quiet down and we’ll all fit in the other room. There are 4 small kids hanging around here with their Mom and older sister. I guess you can figure how quiet it isn’t around here. As I’m typing, their mother is arguing with the nice snack bar man about how her 4 kids under the age of 10 should be able to play the xBox. I guess some people just take the free stuff we get for granted.
All-in-all, it’s been a GREAT week. I loved spending quality time with my nephews. I got to see my nieces. They love me. My nephews love me. I got to spend quality time with my Creation friends (well, most of them). I helped them out two days this week where they work… we were all clean, we didn’t smell, and we were well-rested! It was wonderful!
But I’m so ready to be home. I miss home. I miss my friends there. I miss my bed. I miss my roomie. Yeah, I’m ready to get back. But it’s been a great week off. I’d love to have another one just like it. Soon.
Honestly, I’m pretty sure God had something up His sleeve when I got here. The Bag Drop lines were SUPER long and I would’ve missed my first flight. Then I found out my flight was delayed by 2 hours. Yay God. Then I found out that my flight from BWI to Memphis was taking off about 5 minutes before my flight from Memphis to Panama City was to take off. Obviously I was missing that flight.
I did find out some useful information, however. Apparently when there’s a rash of bad weather, airports make it a point to keep some seats on all flights open (until the last possible minute) for any military members whose travel has been interrupted by weather, delays, etc. So the ticketing agent tried her best to get me on a flight that would get me home tonight. But to no avail. The only flights that were flying into Panama City (or any surrounding airports, for that matter) were landing tomorrow morning.
So here I am, sitting in the USO. The man running the snack bar gave me 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies for free. For FREE! How cool is that? He had to talk me into taking them (yes, Cori, we are set for snacks for the next few weeks)! But I’m glad he did. He convinced me to pack them in my suitcase.
As I’m sitting here (using free wireless courtesy of the USO), more and more people are walking in the double glass doors. We’ll be leaving here for another room, soon, because this USO is under construction. I’ve heard it’s smaller, but it’s still free. And it’s still a safe place to stay for the night.
A Marine and I were conversating and he randomly guessed that I was in the Air Force. He said I fit the Air Force “type”, but he couldn’t explain to me what it was. So, joking around I said, “Nice? Happy?” He didn’t really have an answer, but he said that those were a few reasons. That kind of surprised me. Apparently I’m a good “ambassador” for the Air Force even when I’m not in uniform! Me, a “disruptive presence in the shop”, a good ambassador? I’d love for my Supervision to have heard that. But at least it didn’t fall on deaf ears!
Wow – LOTS of people are walking in now. Hopefully things will quiet down and we’ll all fit in the other room. There are 4 small kids hanging around here with their Mom and older sister. I guess you can figure how quiet it isn’t around here. As I’m typing, their mother is arguing with the nice snack bar man about how her 4 kids under the age of 10 should be able to play the xBox. I guess some people just take the free stuff we get for granted.
All-in-all, it’s been a GREAT week. I loved spending quality time with my nephews. I got to see my nieces. They love me. My nephews love me. I got to spend quality time with my Creation friends (well, most of them). I helped them out two days this week where they work… we were all clean, we didn’t smell, and we were well-rested! It was wonderful!
But I’m so ready to be home. I miss home. I miss my friends there. I miss my bed. I miss my roomie. Yeah, I’m ready to get back. But it’s been a great week off. I’d love to have another one just like it. Soon.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
a righteous anger
I have a lot to write, but let’s just suffice it to say I’m mad. Truly, genuinely, good and mad. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’m not hurt, I’m not emotionally scarred. I’m just mad. And I need to write about it.
This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.
I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?
This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.
But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…
This is probably the first time in my life that I’ve actually been mad enough to cry (and I have – a lot). I’ll admit it – I have a bad temper (I come by it honest). Normally when I get mad I throw things. Or I yell. Sometimes I even don’t talk (it’s better for everyone around me that way). But this time, I just don’t know what to do. This is where the crying begins.
I feel like I’ve been made a contingency plan. Not a “Plan A”, not even a “Plan B.” Just a contingency. ”In case. If our new plan doesn’t work out, then we’ll turn to you.” What’s that about? Who deserves that?
This is why I’ve decided that I can’t be a contingency – I won’t be a contingency. It’s not fair to me. Not at all. For the first time in my life, I’m sticking up for myself (however indirectly). My therapist would be so proud.
But, yeah – back to my anger. I need to do something constructive about it. Maybe this is my first step towards it. The next step? A tough one…
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
the hard "no"
“I’m sorry. You’re a super wonderful guy… but no.”
This has been happening to me a lot lately… I’ve had to say the hard “no”, on average, at least once a month since becoming single again back in August. But it all seems to be concentrated into the past 2 months or so. Is this God’s way of telling me I’m ready to date again? Or is it just that the guys I’m around see something they like and they go for it? The hard thing is that, lately, it’s been nothing but great guys doing the asking. But they’re all wrong for me in some way, shape or form.
I don’t consider myself too picky, I just know what I want and, more importantly, what I need. One of my past boyfriends was actually 85% what I need. He knew how to handle my neurotic tendencies. He knew how to handle my anger (and the fact that, when I fly off the handle, he needed to get ready for a pretty wild and lengthy ride). He knew how to make me laugh, how to make me genuinely happy. So, in a way, I’m looking for another him. But in a totally different way. I now know mostly what I need… I’m just narrowing down the rest of it and the “what I want”. I was walking with a friend of mine the other day and I actually created an almost complete list of what I know I need. But I’m not going to list that here. Face it - blogs are personal enough, but the list is a little too personal to broadcast on the internet. God knows what’s included on that list and and He’ll provide exactly what I need and want - maybe even throw in a few surprises, too!
I’m not going to lie. I’m ready to date again. But I’m not actively looking. I’m not also looking at every guy I meet thinking, “Hmm, he’d be a great guy to date. He should ask me out.” It’s just not happening. God will bring me who I’m supposed to be with. And he’s going to be great. This is the longest length of time I’ve been single in a long time and I’m actually enjoying it. For awhile I was afraid that I’d be one of those people who couldn’t be alone. But look at me - 8 months or so and I’m still going strong. When I was younger I used to wonder if every guy I met was “the one”. Now I just see these guys as potential friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to date someone. But I only want to date someone when it’s right that I do. Nothing forced. Nothing read into anything that’s been said or done on the fly. I want to be excited, to be comfortable, to be open to opening myself up again.
So thank you. Thank you for the flattering invitations. But I’m waiting. I’m waiting for the guy who breaks the mold.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
a change in view
I’ve recently been an indirect witness to some pretty major legal proceedings. Normally no big deal, right? Well it’s different when you know the entire story - when you know the people involved, the effects the situation has had on the people involved… the family histories, personal histories, personalities involved, etc.
I used to think that I had my opinions of crime & punishment all figured out. Black was black and white was white. And it is that way - in a perfect world: a world where no morality is involved, a world where humanity is not taken into consideration. Now the obvious black and white areas seem to have merged into one huge grey area. Prison sentences now seem harsh (to a certain extent). Probation/community service seem to be the way to go - but is it right to err on the side of caution? The death penalty used to seem pretty cut-and-dry. Not so much anymore. Exactly what do the judge/jury take into account before imposing the death penalty? Does personal opinion carry any weight on their decisions at all?
How long will this new point of view last? Will this change be a forever type of change, or just a passing fancy? Will I be able to apply what I’ve learned to everyday situations or will I just let it go by the wayside? Why have I been given this look into humanity? Will there come a time in life when I will need to make a life-or-death decision, weighing all the facts, not just my personal opinions?
It’s a lot to chew on. But maybe, just maybe it’ll help me change this world for the better.
I used to think that I had my opinions of crime & punishment all figured out. Black was black and white was white. And it is that way - in a perfect world: a world where no morality is involved, a world where humanity is not taken into consideration. Now the obvious black and white areas seem to have merged into one huge grey area. Prison sentences now seem harsh (to a certain extent). Probation/community service seem to be the way to go - but is it right to err on the side of caution? The death penalty used to seem pretty cut-and-dry. Not so much anymore. Exactly what do the judge/jury take into account before imposing the death penalty? Does personal opinion carry any weight on their decisions at all?
How long will this new point of view last? Will this change be a forever type of change, or just a passing fancy? Will I be able to apply what I’ve learned to everyday situations or will I just let it go by the wayside? Why have I been given this look into humanity? Will there come a time in life when I will need to make a life-or-death decision, weighing all the facts, not just my personal opinions?
It’s a lot to chew on. But maybe, just maybe it’ll help me change this world for the better.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Awake!
I've come to realize something - I'm happy with where I'm at. I love my friends. I love where I live. I love my church. My job is great (even if it's time for a change) - you couldn't get better benefits. I'm actually pretty content with where I'm at emotionally. I can't explain it - it's just something that came on me after church today. I was standing around with my friends, talking about where we were going for lunch, and I just felt happy. There's no other word for it, really.
I kind of fell in love with my friends all over again. There's something so special about all of them, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not even sure what's made me so content.
But I do know this - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. It's refreshing. It's like walking out on a wintry morning, feeling that first blast of crisp cold air.
I kind of fell in love with my friends all over again. There's something so special about all of them, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not even sure what's made me so content.
But I do know this - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. It's refreshing. It's like walking out on a wintry morning, feeling that first blast of crisp cold air.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
truth in twilight
The last time I wanted to write, I decided that I would write about what I was feeling at that time - very confused, not sure what I should have been feeling. I was going to write about jealousy, emptiness and extreme loneliness.
I was going to write about what I thought I was missing, from what seemed like a “loser’s” viewpoint. Not anymore.
What brought on this change? Believe it or not (and this is probably going to sound really stupid), I went to see Twilight on a whim last night. My friend and I wanted to go see a movie, and it was the only movie that wasn’t 2+ hours long. Believe me, I was skeptical. I’ve never liked vampires, let alone vampire movies. But, strangely, seeing the movie changed something inside me.
It’s, honestly, the first time I’ve felt a tangible longing. I’ve longed to see my family, my friends, my loved ones. But I’ve never physically felt a longing. It’s like it’s a desire, a craving that I can’t just turn away from. I’m not sure what to do with this new tangible longing, but hopefully it’ll be met/filled soon.
That’s really all I have to say right now. There’s really no way to explain any of this to anyone reading this without watering it down, so I’m not going to try.
That’s all.
I was going to write about what I thought I was missing, from what seemed like a “loser’s” viewpoint. Not anymore.
What brought on this change? Believe it or not (and this is probably going to sound really stupid), I went to see Twilight on a whim last night. My friend and I wanted to go see a movie, and it was the only movie that wasn’t 2+ hours long. Believe me, I was skeptical. I’ve never liked vampires, let alone vampire movies. But, strangely, seeing the movie changed something inside me.
It’s, honestly, the first time I’ve felt a tangible longing. I’ve longed to see my family, my friends, my loved ones. But I’ve never physically felt a longing. It’s like it’s a desire, a craving that I can’t just turn away from. I’m not sure what to do with this new tangible longing, but hopefully it’ll be met/filled soon.
That’s really all I have to say right now. There’s really no way to explain any of this to anyone reading this without watering it down, so I’m not going to try.
That’s all.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
a new spin on this holiday season
It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.
It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.
I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).
Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.
I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.
Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.
I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):
7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.
Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.
It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.
I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).
Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.
I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.
Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.
I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):
7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.
8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.
Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.
Friday, October 24, 2008
my newest adventure
I’ve been having heart issues (literally) for the past 3 years. Last month they got bad enough that I ended up in the ER for 3 or 4 hours… my heart rate was 126 when I was almost asleep.
The labs all came back negative (aka a good thing) and my chest x-ray was fine. So I went today for an echocardiogram (first time ever getting one - it was actually really cool to see my heart while it was working) and to get a Holter Monitor.
I’ve never experienced anything so amazing as seeing my heart moving while I was feeling the heartbeats. I had this stupid smile on my face while I was watching it. It’s amazing to think that technology has brought us so far that we can see the workings of our inner bodies on a computer monitor without an invasive procedure. I saw my heart THROUGH MY LIVER!!!! Amazing stuff.
All I can say is, God bless hoodies. They hide wires & the monitor well.
Call me morbid, but I actually hope they find something wrong. I want to know what’s causing my super extra fast heart rate. And I need to get back on my medicine. No, I’m not addicted, but I’ve kind of gotten used to having a normal heartbeat. My doctor doesn’t think I need to be on the medication… she’s wrong.
We’ll see how things turn out. Stay tuned for an update…
Sunday, October 19, 2008
a heart broken (and lessons learned)
What do you write when your soul longs to scream out, but it doesn’t know what to say? How do you recover from a major life change - and I mean MAJOR? It’s out of your control. You didn’t cause it, you didn’t want it. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t want it. But I have no choice but to accept it. How do I deal with this?
How do I deal with this gut-wrenching pain that’s coursing through my body? How do I deal with the seemingly “foreverness” of uncertainty that is now my future? What about the emptiness that I feel in my heart? What about my feelings in all of this? Don’t they count for anything? I guess not.
I guess I’m looking for answers (as evidenced by the many questions I’ve asked). I wish there was an easy answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could erase it.
But now I have no choice but to accept it - to recover and move on. To learn from the entire situation and become stronger in spite of it. In spite? No - that would mean that I regret all of it. I will become stronger because of it.
I’ve learned that I can be put through the wringer and come out whole on the other side. I can stand up for myself and for something I believe in. I know when it’s time to say, “No more, this isn’t for me.” Now the question is, will I bring strong enough to say it if, God forbid, the need arises?
So I would like to thank you. Thank you for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. Thank you for helping to make me stronger. Do I regret the past? Not all of it - not the good times. I’m going to try to not be embarrassed for the things that have happened (and for seemingly fighting for no reason). I will try to swallow my pride and ask forgiveness (it’ll be hard, but I’ll try).
The road to recovery is going to be painful, I know. But it’s, unfortunately, a necessary evil. I just hope I’m strong enough to deal with it.
How do I deal with this gut-wrenching pain that’s coursing through my body? How do I deal with the seemingly “foreverness” of uncertainty that is now my future? What about the emptiness that I feel in my heart? What about my feelings in all of this? Don’t they count for anything? I guess not.
I guess I’m looking for answers (as evidenced by the many questions I’ve asked). I wish there was an easy answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could erase it.
But now I have no choice but to accept it - to recover and move on. To learn from the entire situation and become stronger in spite of it. In spite? No - that would mean that I regret all of it. I will become stronger because of it.
I’ve learned that I can be put through the wringer and come out whole on the other side. I can stand up for myself and for something I believe in. I know when it’s time to say, “No more, this isn’t for me.” Now the question is, will I bring strong enough to say it if, God forbid, the need arises?
So I would like to thank you. Thank you for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. Thank you for helping to make me stronger. Do I regret the past? Not all of it - not the good times. I’m going to try to not be embarrassed for the things that have happened (and for seemingly fighting for no reason). I will try to swallow my pride and ask forgiveness (it’ll be hard, but I’ll try).
The road to recovery is going to be painful, I know. But it’s, unfortunately, a necessary evil. I just hope I’m strong enough to deal with it.
Monday, September 1, 2008
birth & loneliness
This is four days late, but I'm an aunt again. It's very exciting. We've been waiting so long for this little one to arrive that it almost seems surreal that he's finally here! I've seen pictures, and he's one of the cutest little things I've ever seen. Of course, I may be biased, but there it is.
I've discovered that 7-10 days off work (with no one to have the time off with you) might be a bit too much. It was great the first few days, but now it's just getting old. It has definitely helped with the jet lag, but I'm bored - and a bit lonely. There's only so much that texting, chatting, emailing and talking online can do for you to relieve the boredom/loneliness. But when it comes down to it, I really need someone here to share the experience with me.
I miss England. I miss my friends from England. Living back in the States seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. Why, then, do I feel so alone? It's GREAT to see all of my old friends again, but they all have their own new lives. I feel like I'm invading their experiences, almost like I'm trying to force my way into their lives. Is that what I should be doing? Is that a normal experience for coming back "home" after changing so much?
The extreme hate of moving is making me reconsider re-enlisting (if only to stay put for a few more years). The major drawbacks to re-enlisting are:
- By the time I will be getting out, I will have been in for 11 years. By then I might as well just stay in until retirement (it would only be 9 years away).
- I won't be able to cross-train (at least not right away). And if I do cross-train, I won't be coming back to PC Beach.
Right now it doesn't seem like there are that many drawbacks, but I don't want to be a "lifer". I would love to stay in Panama City, but what would I do?
Maybe I'm just tossing these ideas around because I'm lonely. Maybe I'll be stop-lossed (even though I'm pretty sure the Air Force doesn't stop-loss non-critically manned career fields). I still have a few months to decide. Hopefully by then I'll be less lonely and able to make these all-important decisions with a clearer mind.
Maybe.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
a "girly" moment
I went shopping yesterday - clothes shopping, to be exact. We went to probably seven different stores, and I only bought five things. I’m proud of myself, though - I only bought two things that weren’t on sale. I bought an eye-popping, 50’s-party-style dress and a pair of shoes that match the dress perfectly! When my friend saw me in the dress and shoes, their first response was “Now that’s a Doris Day look”. It made me so happy! I’ve always wanted to dress like I lived in the 40’s/50’s.
But then I realized last night that my bad habit of shopping to relieve boredom will send me to the poor house quicker than you can say “Bob’s your uncle.” So I’m off to Hobby Lobby to try and find a cheap hobby. And I need to start finding places to use my SLR so I can start experimenting with that.
Good luck to me.
But then I realized last night that my bad habit of shopping to relieve boredom will send me to the poor house quicker than you can say “Bob’s your uncle.” So I’m off to Hobby Lobby to try and find a cheap hobby. And I need to start finding places to use my SLR so I can start experimenting with that.
Good luck to me.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
life in the fast lane (sort of)
Wow - it’s been 6 weeks since I last wrote anything! I can’t believe it’s been that long. Actually, I can. A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. I moved halfway across the world back to Florida. My 2nd nephew is soon to be born. I have my own GINORMOUS apartment with no furniture in it (yet), and I’m in the process of buying another car.
Ok, so maybe it’s not that much. But considering most of it just started happing within the past two weeks or so, it’s a lot.
Yup, I moved back to Florida. It’s really weird and really cool being back. So much has changed, yet so little has changed. My church has tripled in size since I left (and finally has its own building right down the street from where I live). Every one of my friends from church has grown so much! I don’t mean physically, I mean maturity level, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m not sure if anyone knew the exact date of my arrival. Everyone seemed so surprised to see me at church on Sunday. Every one of my friends gave me huge hugs and welcomed me home. It definitely made me feel loved - a good change from all of the goodbye’s I’ve been saying (and re-saying) over the past two months. Not that I haven’t felt loved, it’s just a nice change to be greeted with a smile and a hug instead of a tear-stained face and a hug.
Last I knew (and I’m terrible for not getting an update, I know), my sister is still waiting on her second son to grace us with his presence. She went into what I’m guessing was false labor just before I left England (5 or 6 days ago) and I haven’t heard anything since. Doctors think she can go at any time, though. It’ll be nice to actually been in-country when one of my nieces/nephews will be born.
I love my new apartment. It’s 300 sq ft bigger than my house in England. Huge! It looks so empty right now, though. I can’t wait to get all of my stuff and start decorating it. Listen to me - I sound like such a girl now! Maybe my friends aren’t the only ones who have grown over the past three years…
I’m buying another Mazda6 sometime today or tomorrow. I love it. I didn’t realize exactly how easy they drive until I drove that beast of a rental Rover around for 3 months. Oh - and I have yet to accidentally drive on the left side of the road! I really do impress myself sometimes.
Leaving my life in England was really hard. It’s still hard to adjust to the fact that all of my friends from the past three years aren’t available to talk/hang out whenever I want (or whenever they’re available). I can’t get used to being 6 hours behind them… I miss them all terribly. Even though I have all of my old friends around, I still feel lonely without my friends from England. Hopefully that loneliness will start to fade soon.
I plan on joining (or at least trying to join) the worship team at church. After spending the last three years wishing I was helping lead worship, I decided to “cowboy up” and tell my friends (the Worship Arts pastors at church) that I want to join the worship team. Of course, this all depends on what shift I end up working…
Speaking of work, I don’t have to go to work again until 3 September! I’ve been off work for a total of 7.5 out of the last 8 days! I’m loving the time off. It will be nice to have a schedule again, though. But 10 days of relaxing will make up for the not having a schedule, I think.
I miss my boys. Oscar got into a fight (or rather, was fought with) the other day. Dear, sweet, innocent Oscar! He got bitten around the base of his tail and had to be taken to the vet to have a shunt put in so it could properly drain (it got infected)! My sweet little man has a shaved bum, now, and battle scars!
That’s really all I have to say right now. Except for this: bring on the visitors!!!!!
Ok, so maybe it’s not that much. But considering most of it just started happing within the past two weeks or so, it’s a lot.
Yup, I moved back to Florida. It’s really weird and really cool being back. So much has changed, yet so little has changed. My church has tripled in size since I left (and finally has its own building right down the street from where I live). Every one of my friends from church has grown so much! I don’t mean physically, I mean maturity level, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m not sure if anyone knew the exact date of my arrival. Everyone seemed so surprised to see me at church on Sunday. Every one of my friends gave me huge hugs and welcomed me home. It definitely made me feel loved - a good change from all of the goodbye’s I’ve been saying (and re-saying) over the past two months. Not that I haven’t felt loved, it’s just a nice change to be greeted with a smile and a hug instead of a tear-stained face and a hug.
Last I knew (and I’m terrible for not getting an update, I know), my sister is still waiting on her second son to grace us with his presence. She went into what I’m guessing was false labor just before I left England (5 or 6 days ago) and I haven’t heard anything since. Doctors think she can go at any time, though. It’ll be nice to actually been in-country when one of my nieces/nephews will be born.
I love my new apartment. It’s 300 sq ft bigger than my house in England. Huge! It looks so empty right now, though. I can’t wait to get all of my stuff and start decorating it. Listen to me - I sound like such a girl now! Maybe my friends aren’t the only ones who have grown over the past three years…
I’m buying another Mazda6 sometime today or tomorrow. I love it. I didn’t realize exactly how easy they drive until I drove that beast of a rental Rover around for 3 months. Oh - and I have yet to accidentally drive on the left side of the road! I really do impress myself sometimes.
Leaving my life in England was really hard. It’s still hard to adjust to the fact that all of my friends from the past three years aren’t available to talk/hang out whenever I want (or whenever they’re available). I can’t get used to being 6 hours behind them… I miss them all terribly. Even though I have all of my old friends around, I still feel lonely without my friends from England. Hopefully that loneliness will start to fade soon.
I plan on joining (or at least trying to join) the worship team at church. After spending the last three years wishing I was helping lead worship, I decided to “cowboy up” and tell my friends (the Worship Arts pastors at church) that I want to join the worship team. Of course, this all depends on what shift I end up working…
Speaking of work, I don’t have to go to work again until 3 September! I’ve been off work for a total of 7.5 out of the last 8 days! I’m loving the time off. It will be nice to have a schedule again, though. But 10 days of relaxing will make up for the not having a schedule, I think.
I miss my boys. Oscar got into a fight (or rather, was fought with) the other day. Dear, sweet, innocent Oscar! He got bitten around the base of his tail and had to be taken to the vet to have a shunt put in so it could properly drain (it got infected)! My sweet little man has a shaved bum, now, and battle scars!
That’s really all I have to say right now. Except for this: bring on the visitors!!!!!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
an update on the tyranny
I’ve spoken to my British form of legal council that the Air Force gives us for free… it’s “officially” recommended that I take the Safe Driving Course. Apparently the fact that I didn’t cause the accident is not what’s being disputed (and isn’t what I would be prosecuted for). They assume that I wasn’t following at a safe speed for the distance in which I was following the cars in front of me. And if I was following at a safe speed, then I wasn’t following at a safe distance and I am thus to blame for the accident. The way it was explained to me, I’d be prosecuted for actually hitting the person, not for the accident itself. And, boy, you should hear the spin they’re putting on the whole situation.
So, unfortunately, I’m being forced to cough up approximately $410 for this day-and-a-half course. I’m going to learn how to be a “more aware” driver… a safer driver in England. They’re even being nice enough to me to let me attend the course in a different county. What nice guys.
This is a great goodbye present from the country that I’ve actually loved for the past three years. It’s definitely made the prospect of leaving easier to deal with. I’ll still miss my friends (of course) and the “beautifulness” of this country, but there’s no way I will miss this country and its asinine laws.
Let me clarify - I have nothing against the people of this country or most of its laws. Just against the way they decide someone’s at fault for something and the way they decide who to prosecute.
So, yeah - that’s the skinny I guess. I’ve pretty much been told to “shut up and color”. And color I will - with red, white and blue.
So, unfortunately, I’m being forced to cough up approximately $410 for this day-and-a-half course. I’m going to learn how to be a “more aware” driver… a safer driver in England. They’re even being nice enough to me to let me attend the course in a different county. What nice guys.
This is a great goodbye present from the country that I’ve actually loved for the past three years. It’s definitely made the prospect of leaving easier to deal with. I’ll still miss my friends (of course) and the “beautifulness” of this country, but there’s no way I will miss this country and its asinine laws.
Let me clarify - I have nothing against the people of this country or most of its laws. Just against the way they decide someone’s at fault for something and the way they decide who to prosecute.
So, yeah - that’s the skinny I guess. I’ve pretty much been told to “shut up and color”. And color I will - with red, white and blue.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
a jacked up situation (or, a legal form of distortion)
I was in an accident back in May (you can read an earlier post about it - describes the situation). Because I rear-ended someone in an accident that I did not cause, the British Government has decided that it would be a good idea to give me two choices: pay almost $500 to attend a two-day safe driving course (and two weeks after attending the course, leave England for good as scheduled) or be prosecuted for “Driving without Due Care” of other drivers.
This accident was not my fault. How can the British Government, in all its splendor, actually get away with this? I am, of course, fighting it as best I can. But how much can I really do? I did not cause the accident - someone who pulled out in front of someone else and then immediately drove off caused it (kind of like a hit-and-run, only not actually hitting anyone - just causing the hit and running). So why am I being prosecuted? They say there is “sufficient evidence” to prosecute me. What evidence? I was never given a ticket (or “citation” as they say over here), and there wasn’t any evidence to speak of. My statement matched the statement of the guy I hit almost exactly… so what’s the issue?
I talked to the person who schedules the Safe Driving courses, and she said that maybe the person I hit received the same type letter. Again I ask you - in what world does that make sense? Two victims possibly being prosecuted! It’s insane.
There’s got to be some way to speak out against this to keep it from happening to other American drivers over here in England.
This accident was not my fault. How can the British Government, in all its splendor, actually get away with this? I am, of course, fighting it as best I can. But how much can I really do? I did not cause the accident - someone who pulled out in front of someone else and then immediately drove off caused it (kind of like a hit-and-run, only not actually hitting anyone - just causing the hit and running). So why am I being prosecuted? They say there is “sufficient evidence” to prosecute me. What evidence? I was never given a ticket (or “citation” as they say over here), and there wasn’t any evidence to speak of. My statement matched the statement of the guy I hit almost exactly… so what’s the issue?
I talked to the person who schedules the Safe Driving courses, and she said that maybe the person I hit received the same type letter. Again I ask you - in what world does that make sense? Two victims possibly being prosecuted! It’s insane.
There’s got to be some way to speak out against this to keep it from happening to other American drivers over here in England.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
stress-less?
I’m a little less stressed these days. Leave was great. I’m leaving England soon. I have an apartment to live in once I get to Florida (I could even possibly move in to it the day I get to the States). Adam and I are closer to being together than ever before. Things are looking good.
I sort of got a job offer while I was on leave. It was in a field I’ve never really considered (Computer Forensics), but it sounds interesting. The job offer came in this form: “If you get all the qualifications/certifications you need for this field, either I or one of my friends will hire you.” How often does that happen? I really hope it was a genuine job offer.
I can become a full-time student when I get out of the Air Force in 2009. The US government is going to pay for my schooling. Not only will they pay for my schooling, they’ll pay for my books, any kind of licensing testing (up to $2K, I believe) and they’ll pay me upwards of $1,100/month for rent/living expenses, etc. One of my major decision makers on whether to go to school after the military was just that - living expenses (ok, that and where to go to school - I’m looking at somewhere in PA). Plus, now that I know what I need to do to get a job (in a field that actually does sound interesting), things are looking up.
That’s all I have to say. Nothing too special. But it has been over a month since I’ve written, so I decided I should write something - even if it’s super short (compared to the normal length of my blogs).
I sort of got a job offer while I was on leave. It was in a field I’ve never really considered (Computer Forensics), but it sounds interesting. The job offer came in this form: “If you get all the qualifications/certifications you need for this field, either I or one of my friends will hire you.” How often does that happen? I really hope it was a genuine job offer.
I can become a full-time student when I get out of the Air Force in 2009. The US government is going to pay for my schooling. Not only will they pay for my schooling, they’ll pay for my books, any kind of licensing testing (up to $2K, I believe) and they’ll pay me upwards of $1,100/month for rent/living expenses, etc. One of my major decision makers on whether to go to school after the military was just that - living expenses (ok, that and where to go to school - I’m looking at somewhere in PA). Plus, now that I know what I need to do to get a job (in a field that actually does sound interesting), things are looking up.
That’s all I have to say. Nothing too special. But it has been over a month since I’ve written, so I decided I should write something - even if it’s super short (compared to the normal length of my blogs).
Saturday, June 7, 2008
nerves, excitation, anticipation - topics revisited
I’m getting sentimental, giddy, excited, nervous and impatient… all at the same time. A lot of you know that I’ve been counting down the days until I go on leave Stateside (to see Adam & my family). After six long months, it’s finally here. I’m going on leave THIS THURSDAY!!!! It seems almost too good to be true.
I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of how things are going to be (even though everyone seems to have romanticized expectations when being reunited with a loved one - I think it’s human nature). I do have one expectation though - that Adam will beat me to the airport. If he does, it’ll be the first time in three visits… I can’t wait to see him: to see his face, to hug him, to kiss him, just to be near him. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime, experienced a lifetime of love, heart-ache and happiness since I’ve seen him. I know we’ve both grown so much in the past six months.
You ever get the fear that how someone sees you in their mind is what they remember of seeing you last time - but only the good parts? Almost like looking at you through rose-colored glasses… I think that’s why I’m nervous this time. I know I need work. I’m definitely not perfect. If I’ve learned/come to better understand anything in the past six months, it’s been that. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid that Adam will expect to see me as he wants me to be, and then be crushed when I’m not that person. That’s totally ridiculous, though. I know that he loves me for who I am, but the fear still exists (again, more human nature).
I have a lot of people to meet/re-meet/get to know in the few short days I’ll be in Lancaster. That also kind of worries me. Adam’s spent the past year building me up to them - what if I don’t meet their expectations? I know that doesn’t matter, but I desperately want his friends to like me. Not enough to change who I am, but enough to be nervous. Oh well. I guess I’ll worry about that if the situation arises.
So, yeah… this time next week I’ll be in the States. I’ll actually be getting ready to see my parents for the first time in six months, also. There are nerves there, too. There always are.
I’ve been really blessed for the past three years… I have amazing friends, a great church, and an actually not-so-bad job. I’m definitely going to miss this place. The thought of leaving tears my heart out. Not so much the thought of leaving the base and the job, but of leaving the people and the country. This visit home is just another step towards leaving. So in that respect, I’m dreading it. But I won’t let that damper my excitement or the fun I’ll have while I’m there.
I just need to learn to take everything one step at a time.
I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of how things are going to be (even though everyone seems to have romanticized expectations when being reunited with a loved one - I think it’s human nature). I do have one expectation though - that Adam will beat me to the airport. If he does, it’ll be the first time in three visits… I can’t wait to see him: to see his face, to hug him, to kiss him, just to be near him. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime, experienced a lifetime of love, heart-ache and happiness since I’ve seen him. I know we’ve both grown so much in the past six months.
You ever get the fear that how someone sees you in their mind is what they remember of seeing you last time - but only the good parts? Almost like looking at you through rose-colored glasses… I think that’s why I’m nervous this time. I know I need work. I’m definitely not perfect. If I’ve learned/come to better understand anything in the past six months, it’s been that. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid that Adam will expect to see me as he wants me to be, and then be crushed when I’m not that person. That’s totally ridiculous, though. I know that he loves me for who I am, but the fear still exists (again, more human nature).
I have a lot of people to meet/re-meet/get to know in the few short days I’ll be in Lancaster. That also kind of worries me. Adam’s spent the past year building me up to them - what if I don’t meet their expectations? I know that doesn’t matter, but I desperately want his friends to like me. Not enough to change who I am, but enough to be nervous. Oh well. I guess I’ll worry about that if the situation arises.
So, yeah… this time next week I’ll be in the States. I’ll actually be getting ready to see my parents for the first time in six months, also. There are nerves there, too. There always are.
I’ve been really blessed for the past three years… I have amazing friends, a great church, and an actually not-so-bad job. I’m definitely going to miss this place. The thought of leaving tears my heart out. Not so much the thought of leaving the base and the job, but of leaving the people and the country. This visit home is just another step towards leaving. So in that respect, I’m dreading it. But I won’t let that damper my excitement or the fun I’ll have while I’m there.
I just need to learn to take everything one step at a time.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
a waste of your time
It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything. No good reason, I’ve just been lazy. I had originally wanted to update this blog every other day (to show I’m not totally addicted), but that got to be a bit much. Not because nothing has been happening, but because I don’t ever think that anything that happens to me is interesting enough to write about.
The Air Force is being nice enough to let me fly back Stateside on 22 August - the date I asked for. It’s a Friday. I’ve given myself an extra few days to get reacquainted with the area before having to head in to work to start in-processing at Tyndall. It’ll also give me a chance to go look at cars. I’ll get to hang out with friends I haven’t seen for three years. I’m beginning to look forward to it more than I thought I would.
I’m the shift boss this week (and I have been for the past two weeks, also). I’m not really liking it. The first week was pretty good - I didn’t make too many mistakes and I was told by someone I really respect that he thought I found my calling in the Aircraft Maintenance world of the USAF. That made me feel really good. Then the “stuff” hit the fan. The other two shifts (we work a 24-hr operation during the week) started making really stupid mistakes. But, because I was the one who had to tell the Shop Chief (big boss) about them, I was the one who got blamed/yelled at. No one was really being held accountable. And the person who should’ve been held accountable (but wasn’t) also wasn’t talking to his shift about the mistakes they were making. They weren’t really mistakes, just carelessness/improper training.
Anyway, because of this, I’ve had to try my wings at defending not only myself, but the workers on my shift. It’s a tough line to draw - defending your actions yet still being/staying respectful. I actually ended up getting into very loud arguments with some people last week. Then this week kind of started the same way. Luckily I didn’t have to answer for the other shifts’ mistakes because of how I handled myself last week when explaining that my workers spend the whole shift fixing the other shifts’ mistakes. I think we’re all on the same page now.
I go on leave in 16 days (not that I’m counting or anything). I haven’t been on leave in six months. Six months! This is a momentous occasion - it marks the last milestone before I get to be back Stateside. Once I’m stateside I won’t have to wait six months to see Adam, my family members or old friends. It’s much cheaper to fly from State to State than it is from Continent to Continent. I don’t think I’ll be quite as lonely for everyone I love.
I won’t bore you with any more details of my life. Maybe next time I’ll write a hypothetical, a story or something a little more interesting. So here’s to my uneventful life over the past few weeks - a waste of your time to read about it, but maybe just a little entertaining?
The Air Force is being nice enough to let me fly back Stateside on 22 August - the date I asked for. It’s a Friday. I’ve given myself an extra few days to get reacquainted with the area before having to head in to work to start in-processing at Tyndall. It’ll also give me a chance to go look at cars. I’ll get to hang out with friends I haven’t seen for three years. I’m beginning to look forward to it more than I thought I would.
I’m the shift boss this week (and I have been for the past two weeks, also). I’m not really liking it. The first week was pretty good - I didn’t make too many mistakes and I was told by someone I really respect that he thought I found my calling in the Aircraft Maintenance world of the USAF. That made me feel really good. Then the “stuff” hit the fan. The other two shifts (we work a 24-hr operation during the week) started making really stupid mistakes. But, because I was the one who had to tell the Shop Chief (big boss) about them, I was the one who got blamed/yelled at. No one was really being held accountable. And the person who should’ve been held accountable (but wasn’t) also wasn’t talking to his shift about the mistakes they were making. They weren’t really mistakes, just carelessness/improper training.
Anyway, because of this, I’ve had to try my wings at defending not only myself, but the workers on my shift. It’s a tough line to draw - defending your actions yet still being/staying respectful. I actually ended up getting into very loud arguments with some people last week. Then this week kind of started the same way. Luckily I didn’t have to answer for the other shifts’ mistakes because of how I handled myself last week when explaining that my workers spend the whole shift fixing the other shifts’ mistakes. I think we’re all on the same page now.
I go on leave in 16 days (not that I’m counting or anything). I haven’t been on leave in six months. Six months! This is a momentous occasion - it marks the last milestone before I get to be back Stateside. Once I’m stateside I won’t have to wait six months to see Adam, my family members or old friends. It’s much cheaper to fly from State to State than it is from Continent to Continent. I don’t think I’ll be quite as lonely for everyone I love.
I won’t bore you with any more details of my life. Maybe next time I’ll write a hypothetical, a story or something a little more interesting. So here’s to my uneventful life over the past few weeks - a waste of your time to read about it, but maybe just a little entertaining?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
a "rainy" day followed by a dose of sunshine
A lot has happened over the past week or so. Ok, maybe not a lot, but definitely some big things. For starters, I got into a car wreck on 2 May. I’ve made it almost three years living in England without a wreck. Then I go and wreck my favorite car (I only have one, but it’s definitely been my favorite of all the cars I’ve owned).
I could’ve died in that accident if it weren’t for my (very not normal) quick thinking behind the wheel. Cars in front of me slammed on their breaks because a van pulled out in front of a van two cars ahead of me. I didn’t have enough time to come to a full stop, so I swerved right (remember, I’m driving on the left side of the road since I live in England). Normally this would’ve been the right thing to do, but for some odd reason there was more traffic on this back road than normal. There were two or three cars headed straight towards me. I hurried up a swerved left to avoid a head-on collision. Somehow I managed to not hit the car that was in front of me, but I did rear end the van that got pulled out in front of.
My car is totaled. It’s so sad. But this accident has, in all actuality, saved me a lot of stress when I move back stateside in August. I now don’t have to worry about shipping my car back to the States. I don’t have to pay the super-expensive (although reimbursable) road tax, and I don’t have to worry about getting the annual inspection done. I also don’t have to rent a car for a month or so after I get to my next base before my car arrives. I can just go ahead and buy one as soon as I get there.
Speaking of my next base (and the dose of sunshine), I found out this past week that I’m going back to the Sunshine State. I’m going back to Tyndall AFB for (hopefully) the remainder of my military career. I wanted to go to our other base in Florida, but this one is good, too. I know exactly where I want to live, I have a church there already, and I have quite a few friends that I can’t wait to see again. Needless to say, I’m getting excited about going back.
So many of my family members and friends are planning on coming to visit me. I think Adam is going to fly down at least twice - once to visit and once to drive back up to Pennsylvania when I get out of the Air Force. The apartments I’m looking into renting cost less than half as much as my house now AND have more square footage!
Another good thing about this assignment is it means I’m just one more step closer to being close to Adam and the rest of my family. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. It also makes me miss Adam and my family even more. Sometimes it gets almost unbearable. But it’s worth it if it means that I get to be closer to everyone again.
These next three weeks will test my chops as a supervisor - I’m shift supervisor. I haven’t been a shift supervisor before, so it’ll be interesting. After these three weeks, I’ll work for just over a week and then go on leave for three weeks. I’m ready for a break.
I could’ve died in that accident if it weren’t for my (very not normal) quick thinking behind the wheel. Cars in front of me slammed on their breaks because a van pulled out in front of a van two cars ahead of me. I didn’t have enough time to come to a full stop, so I swerved right (remember, I’m driving on the left side of the road since I live in England). Normally this would’ve been the right thing to do, but for some odd reason there was more traffic on this back road than normal. There were two or three cars headed straight towards me. I hurried up a swerved left to avoid a head-on collision. Somehow I managed to not hit the car that was in front of me, but I did rear end the van that got pulled out in front of.
My car is totaled. It’s so sad. But this accident has, in all actuality, saved me a lot of stress when I move back stateside in August. I now don’t have to worry about shipping my car back to the States. I don’t have to pay the super-expensive (although reimbursable) road tax, and I don’t have to worry about getting the annual inspection done. I also don’t have to rent a car for a month or so after I get to my next base before my car arrives. I can just go ahead and buy one as soon as I get there.
Speaking of my next base (and the dose of sunshine), I found out this past week that I’m going back to the Sunshine State. I’m going back to Tyndall AFB for (hopefully) the remainder of my military career. I wanted to go to our other base in Florida, but this one is good, too. I know exactly where I want to live, I have a church there already, and I have quite a few friends that I can’t wait to see again. Needless to say, I’m getting excited about going back.
So many of my family members and friends are planning on coming to visit me. I think Adam is going to fly down at least twice - once to visit and once to drive back up to Pennsylvania when I get out of the Air Force. The apartments I’m looking into renting cost less than half as much as my house now AND have more square footage!
Another good thing about this assignment is it means I’m just one more step closer to being close to Adam and the rest of my family. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. It also makes me miss Adam and my family even more. Sometimes it gets almost unbearable. But it’s worth it if it means that I get to be closer to everyone again.
These next three weeks will test my chops as a supervisor - I’m shift supervisor. I haven’t been a shift supervisor before, so it’ll be interesting. After these three weeks, I’ll work for just over a week and then go on leave for three weeks. I’m ready for a break.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
turmoil & growing pains... worth it?
Things don't always go the way you plan them - the journey is usually much harder than planned. I think that's why, when things turn out the way you originally wanted them to, you appreciate the outcome even more than you would've otherwise.
I think that when a journey is longer and harder than planned, there's a certain amount of growth that happens, even if inadvertently. I've already seen a little bit of it in my own life. Making decisions can be hard - sometimes sticking with those decisions is even harder. I think that when one is forced to stand by their decisions, to support them, that's when the most growth takes place.
I don't know when I'm trying to make this so subjective... I'm talking about my life - this isn't a case study. So, let me try this again.
Over the past six years I've made some decisions that were probably not the best, and some that I know where right. I've had to live with the outcome of those decisions, even if it wasn't the outcome I originally wanted. But looking back, I'm ok with how things have turned out. My life has been a pretty good one so far.
Turmoil can be great... in that I mean that it can bring about great learning opportunities. Anyone who knows me will be the first to admit that I HATE turmoil - with a passion. But recently I've come to appreciate it. I've seen the effect that turmoil has had on me, and I like what it's doing to me. I'm becoming more willing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I'm becoming a stronger person at work, in my personal life and just in general.
So I guess all the growing I've done is worth the pain. I just wish it could be easier sometimes.
I think that when a journey is longer and harder than planned, there's a certain amount of growth that happens, even if inadvertently. I've already seen a little bit of it in my own life. Making decisions can be hard - sometimes sticking with those decisions is even harder. I think that when one is forced to stand by their decisions, to support them, that's when the most growth takes place.
I don't know when I'm trying to make this so subjective... I'm talking about my life - this isn't a case study. So, let me try this again.
Over the past six years I've made some decisions that were probably not the best, and some that I know where right. I've had to live with the outcome of those decisions, even if it wasn't the outcome I originally wanted. But looking back, I'm ok with how things have turned out. My life has been a pretty good one so far.
Turmoil can be great... in that I mean that it can bring about great learning opportunities. Anyone who knows me will be the first to admit that I HATE turmoil - with a passion. But recently I've come to appreciate it. I've seen the effect that turmoil has had on me, and I like what it's doing to me. I'm becoming more willing to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. I'm becoming a stronger person at work, in my personal life and just in general.
So I guess all the growing I've done is worth the pain. I just wish it could be easier sometimes.
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