birth & loneliness

This is four days late, but I'm an aunt again. It's very exciting. We've been waiting so long for this little one to arrive that it almost seems surreal that he's finally here! I've seen pictures, and he's one of the cutest little things I've ever seen. Of course, I may be biased, but there it is.

I've discovered that 7-10 days off work (with no one to have the time off with you) might be a bit too much. It was great the first few days, but now it's just getting old. It has definitely helped with the jet lag, but I'm bored - and a bit lonely. There's only so much that texting, chatting, emailing and talking online can do for you to relieve the boredom/loneliness. But when it comes down to it, I really need someone here to share the experience with me.

I miss England. I miss my friends from England. Living back in the States seemed to be the answer to all of my problems. Why, then, do I feel so alone? It's GREAT to see all of my old friends again, but they all have their own new lives. I feel like I'm invading their experiences, almost like I'm trying to force my way into their lives. Is that what I should be doing? Is that a normal experience for coming back "home" after changing so much?

The extreme hate of moving is making me reconsider re-enlisting (if only to stay put for a few more years). The major drawbacks to re-enlisting are:
- By the time I will be getting out, I will have been in for 11 years. By then I might as well just stay in until retirement (it would only be 9 years away).
- I won't be able to cross-train (at least not right away). And if I do cross-train, I won't be coming back to PC Beach.

Right now it doesn't seem like there are that many drawbacks, but I don't want to be a "lifer". I would love to stay in Panama City, but what would I do?

Maybe I'm just tossing these ideas around because I'm lonely. Maybe I'll be stop-lossed (even though I'm pretty sure the Air Force doesn't stop-loss non-critically manned career fields). I still have a few months to decide. Hopefully by then I'll be less lonely and able to make these all-important decisions with a clearer mind.

Maybe.

a "girly" moment

I went shopping yesterday - clothes shopping, to be exact. We went to probably seven different stores, and I only bought five things. I’m proud of myself, though - I only bought two things that weren’t on sale. I bought an eye-popping, 50’s-party-style dress and a pair of shoes that match the dress perfectly! When my friend saw me in the dress and shoes, their first response was “Now that’s a Doris Day look”. It made me so happy! I’ve always wanted to dress like I lived in the 40’s/50’s.

But then I realized last night that my bad habit of shopping to relieve boredom will send me to the poor house quicker than you can say “Bob’s your uncle.” So I’m off to Hobby Lobby to try and find a cheap hobby. And I need to start finding places to use my SLR so I can start experimenting with that.

Good luck to me.

life in the fast lane (sort of)

Wow - it’s been 6 weeks since I last wrote anything! I can’t believe it’s been that long. Actually, I can. A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. I moved halfway across the world back to Florida. My 2nd nephew is soon to be born. I have my own GINORMOUS apartment with no furniture in it (yet), and I’m in the process of buying another car.

Ok, so maybe it’s not that much. But considering most of it just started happing within the past two weeks or so, it’s a lot.

Yup, I moved back to Florida. It’s really weird and really cool being back. So much has changed, yet so little has changed. My church has tripled in size since I left (and finally has its own building right down the street from where I live). Every one of my friends from church has grown so much! I don’t mean physically, I mean maturity level, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I’m not sure if anyone knew the exact date of my arrival. Everyone seemed so surprised to see me at church on Sunday. Every one of my friends gave me huge hugs and welcomed me home. It definitely made me feel loved - a good change from all of the goodbye’s I’ve been saying (and re-saying) over the past two months. Not that I haven’t felt loved, it’s just a nice change to be greeted with a smile and a hug instead of a tear-stained face and a hug.

Last I knew (and I’m terrible for not getting an update, I know), my sister is still waiting on her second son to grace us with his presence. She went into what I’m guessing was false labor just before I left England (5 or 6 days ago) and I haven’t heard anything since. Doctors think she can go at any time, though. It’ll be nice to actually been in-country when one of my nieces/nephews will be born.

I love my new apartment. It’s 300 sq ft bigger than my house in England. Huge! It looks so empty right now, though. I can’t wait to get all of my stuff and start decorating it. Listen to me - I sound like such a girl now! Maybe my friends aren’t the only ones who have grown over the past three years…

I’m buying another Mazda6 sometime today or tomorrow. I love it. I didn’t realize exactly how easy they drive until I drove that beast of a rental Rover around for 3 months. Oh - and I have yet to accidentally drive on the left side of the road! I really do impress myself sometimes.

Leaving my life in England was really hard. It’s still hard to adjust to the fact that all of my friends from the past three years aren’t available to talk/hang out whenever I want (or whenever they’re available). I can’t get used to being 6 hours behind them… I miss them all terribly. Even though I have all of my old friends around, I still feel lonely without my friends from England. Hopefully that loneliness will start to fade soon.

I plan on joining (or at least trying to join) the worship team at church. After spending the last three years wishing I was helping lead worship, I decided to “cowboy up” and tell my friends (the Worship Arts pastors at church) that I want to join the worship team. Of course, this all depends on what shift I end up working…

Speaking of work, I don’t have to go to work again until 3 September! I’ve been off work for a total of 7.5 out of the last 8 days! I’m loving the time off. It will be nice to have a schedule again, though. But 10 days of relaxing will make up for the not having a schedule, I think.

I miss my boys. Oscar got into a fight (or rather, was fought with) the other day. Dear, sweet, innocent Oscar! He got bitten around the base of his tail and had to be taken to the vet to have a shunt put in so it could properly drain (it got infected)! My sweet little man has a shaved bum, now, and battle scars!

That’s really all I have to say right now. Except for this: bring on the visitors!!!!!

an update on the tyranny

I’ve spoken to my British form of legal council that the Air Force gives us for free… it’s “officially” recommended that I take the Safe Driving Course. Apparently the fact that I didn’t cause the accident is not what’s being disputed (and isn’t what I would be prosecuted for). They assume that I wasn’t following at a safe speed for the distance in which I was following the cars in front of me. And if I was following at a safe speed, then I wasn’t following at a safe distance and I am thus to blame for the accident. The way it was explained to me, I’d be prosecuted for actually hitting the person, not for the accident itself. And, boy, you should hear the spin they’re putting on the whole situation.

So, unfortunately, I’m being forced to cough up approximately $410 for this day-and-a-half course. I’m going to learn how to be a “more aware” driver… a safer driver in England. They’re even being nice enough to me to let me attend the course in a different county. What nice guys.

This is a great goodbye present from the country that I’ve actually loved for the past three years. It’s definitely made the prospect of leaving easier to deal with. I’ll still miss my friends (of course) and the “beautifulness” of this country, but there’s no way I will miss this country and its asinine laws.

Let me clarify - I have nothing against the people of this country or most of its laws. Just against the way they decide someone’s at fault for something and the way they decide who to prosecute.

So, yeah - that’s the skinny I guess. I’ve pretty much been told to “shut up and color”. And color I will - with red, white and blue.

a jacked up situation (or, a legal form of distortion)

I was in an accident back in May (you can read an earlier post about it - describes the situation). Because I rear-ended someone in an accident that I did not cause, the British Government has decided that it would be a good idea to give me two choices: pay almost $500 to attend a two-day safe driving course (and two weeks after attending the course, leave England for good as scheduled) or be prosecuted for “Driving without Due Care” of other drivers.

This accident was not my fault. How can the British Government, in all its splendor, actually get away with this? I am, of course, fighting it as best I can. But how much can I really do? I did not cause the accident - someone who pulled out in front of someone else and then immediately drove off caused it (kind of like a hit-and-run, only not actually hitting anyone - just causing the hit and running). So why am I being prosecuted? They say there is “sufficient evidence” to prosecute me. What evidence? I was never given a ticket (or “citation” as they say over here), and there wasn’t any evidence to speak of. My statement matched the statement of the guy I hit almost exactly… so what’s the issue?

I talked to the person who schedules the Safe Driving courses, and she said that maybe the person I hit received the same type letter. Again I ask you - in what world does that make sense? Two victims possibly being prosecuted! It’s insane.

There’s got to be some way to speak out against this to keep it from happening to other American drivers over here in England.

stress-less?

I’m a little less stressed these days. Leave was great. I’m leaving England soon. I have an apartment to live in once I get to Florida (I could even possibly move in to it the day I get to the States). Adam and I are closer to being together than ever before. Things are looking good.

I sort of got a job offer while I was on leave. It was in a field I’ve never really considered (Computer Forensics), but it sounds interesting. The job offer came in this form: “If you get all the qualifications/certifications you need for this field, either I or one of my friends will hire you.” How often does that happen? I really hope it was a genuine job offer.

I can become a full-time student when I get out of the Air Force in 2009. The US government is going to pay for my schooling. Not only will they pay for my schooling, they’ll pay for my books, any kind of licensing testing (up to $2K, I believe) and they’ll pay me upwards of $1,100/month for rent/living expenses, etc. One of my major decision makers on whether to go to school after the military was just that - living expenses (ok, that and where to go to school - I’m looking at somewhere in PA). Plus, now that I know what I need to do to get a job (in a field that actually does sound interesting), things are looking up.

That’s all I have to say. Nothing too special. But it has been over a month since I’ve written, so I decided I should write something - even if it’s super short (compared to the normal length of my blogs).

nerves, excitation, anticipation - topics revisited

I’m getting sentimental, giddy, excited, nervous and impatient… all at the same time. A lot of you know that I’ve been counting down the days until I go on leave Stateside (to see Adam & my family). After six long months, it’s finally here. I’m going on leave THIS THURSDAY!!!! It seems almost too good to be true.

I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of how things are going to be (even though everyone seems to have romanticized expectations when being reunited with a loved one - I think it’s human nature). I do have one expectation though - that Adam will beat me to the airport. If he does, it’ll be the first time in three visits… I can’t wait to see him: to see his face, to hug him, to kiss him, just to be near him. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime, experienced a lifetime of love, heart-ache and happiness since I’ve seen him. I know we’ve both grown so much in the past six months.

You ever get the fear that how someone sees you in their mind is what they remember of seeing you last time - but only the good parts? Almost like looking at you through rose-colored glasses… I think that’s why I’m nervous this time. I know I need work. I’m definitely not perfect. If I’ve learned/come to better understand anything in the past six months, it’s been that. Anyways, I’m kind of afraid that Adam will expect to see me as he wants me to be, and then be crushed when I’m not that person. That’s totally ridiculous, though. I know that he loves me for who I am, but the fear still exists (again, more human nature).

I have a lot of people to meet/re-meet/get to know in the few short days I’ll be in Lancaster. That also kind of worries me. Adam’s spent the past year building me up to them - what if I don’t meet their expectations? I know that doesn’t matter, but I desperately want his friends to like me. Not enough to change who I am, but enough to be nervous. Oh well. I guess I’ll worry about that if the situation arises.

So, yeah… this time next week I’ll be in the States. I’ll actually be getting ready to see my parents for the first time in six months, also. There are nerves there, too. There always are.

I’ve been really blessed for the past three years… I have amazing friends, a great church, and an actually not-so-bad job. I’m definitely going to miss this place. The thought of leaving tears my heart out. Not so much the thought of leaving the base and the job, but of leaving the people and the country. This visit home is just another step towards leaving. So in that respect, I’m dreading it. But I won’t let that damper my excitement or the fun I’ll have while I’m there.

I just need to learn to take everything one step at a time.