the hard "no"

“I’m sorry. You’re a super wonderful guy… but no.”

This has been happening to me a lot lately… I’ve had to say the hard “no”, on average, at least once a month since becoming single again back in August. But it all seems to be concentrated into the past 2 months or so. Is this God’s way of telling me I’m ready to date again? Or is it just that the guys I’m around see something they like and they go for it? The hard thing is that, lately, it’s been nothing but great guys doing the asking. But they’re all wrong for me in some way, shape or form.

I don’t consider myself too picky, I just know what I want and, more importantly, what I need. One of my past boyfriends was actually 85% what I need. He knew how to handle my neurotic tendencies. He knew how to handle my anger (and the fact that, when I fly off the handle, he needed to get ready for a pretty wild and lengthy ride). He knew how to make me laugh, how to make me genuinely happy. So, in a way, I’m looking for another him. But in a totally different way. I now know mostly what I need… I’m just narrowing down the rest of it and the “what I want”. I was walking with a friend of mine the other day and I actually created an almost complete list of what I know I need. But I’m not going to list that here. Face it - blogs are personal enough, but the list is a little too personal to broadcast on the internet. God knows what’s included on that list and and He’ll provide exactly what I need and want - maybe even throw in a few surprises, too!

I’m not going to lie. I’m ready to date again. But I’m not actively looking. I’m not also looking at every guy I meet thinking, “Hmm, he’d be a great guy to date. He should ask me out.” It’s just not happening. God will bring me who I’m supposed to be with. And he’s going to be great. This is the longest length of time I’ve been single in a long time and I’m actually enjoying it. For awhile I was afraid that I’d be one of those people who couldn’t be alone. But look at me - 8 months or so and I’m still going strong. When I was younger I used to wonder if every guy I met was “the one”. Now I just see these guys as potential friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to date someone. But I only want to date someone when it’s right that I do. Nothing forced. Nothing read into anything that’s been said or done on the fly. I want to be excited, to be comfortable, to be open to opening myself up again.

So thank you. Thank you for the flattering invitations. But I’m waiting. I’m waiting for the guy who breaks the mold.

a change in view

I’ve recently been an indirect witness to some pretty major legal proceedings. Normally no big deal, right? Well it’s different when you know the entire story - when you know the people involved, the effects the situation has had on the people involved… the family histories, personal histories, personalities involved, etc.

I used to think that I had my opinions of crime & punishment all figured out. Black was black and white was white. And it is that way - in a perfect world: a world where no morality is involved, a world where humanity is not taken into consideration. Now the obvious black and white areas seem to have merged into one huge grey area. Prison sentences now seem harsh (to a certain extent). Probation/community service seem to be the way to go - but is it right to err on the side of caution? The death penalty used to seem pretty cut-and-dry. Not so much anymore. Exactly what do the judge/jury take into account before imposing the death penalty? Does personal opinion carry any weight on their decisions at all?

How long will this new point of view last? Will this change be a forever type of change, or just a passing fancy? Will I be able to apply what I’ve learned to everyday situations or will I just let it go by the wayside? Why have I been given this look into humanity? Will there come a time in life when I will need to make a life-or-death decision, weighing all the facts, not just my personal opinions?

It’s a lot to chew on. But maybe, just maybe it’ll help me change this world for the better.

Awake!

Awake!
Originally uploaded by Jay Arpin

I've come to realize something - I'm happy with where I'm at. I love my friends. I love where I live. I love my church. My job is great (even if it's time for a change) - you couldn't get better benefits. I'm actually pretty content with where I'm at emotionally. I can't explain it - it's just something that came on me after church today. I was standing around with my friends, talking about where we were going for lunch, and I just felt happy. There's no other word for it, really.

I kind of fell in love with my friends all over again. There's something so special about all of them, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not even sure what's made me so content.

But I do know this - it's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. It's refreshing. It's like walking out on a wintry morning, feeling that first blast of crisp cold air.

truth in twilight

The last time I wanted to write, I decided that I would write about what I was feeling at that time - very confused, not sure what I should have been feeling. I was going to write about jealousy, emptiness and extreme loneliness.

I was going to write about what I thought I was missing, from what seemed like a “loser’s” viewpoint. Not anymore.

What brought on this change? Believe it or not (and this is probably going to sound really stupid), I went to see Twilight on a whim last night. My friend and I wanted to go see a movie, and it was the only movie that wasn’t 2+ hours long. Believe me, I was skeptical. I’ve never liked vampires, let alone vampire movies. But, strangely, seeing the movie changed something inside me.

It’s, honestly, the first time I’ve felt a tangible longing. I’ve longed to see my family, my friends, my loved ones. But I’ve never physically felt a longing. It’s like it’s a desire, a craving that I can’t just turn away from. I’m not sure what to do with this new tangible longing, but hopefully it’ll be met/filled soon.

That’s really all I have to say right now. There’s really no way to explain any of this to anyone reading this without watering it down, so I’m not going to try.

That’s all.

a new spin on this holiday season

It seems like I always take a break from writing until something tragic happens to me or my family. Well, this situation is no different. I haven’t written about this situation because, frankly, it’s just too painful - to think about, to have to live through, to even consider as the possibility that it is really happening.

It’s the Holiday Season, right? A time for perpetual cheer, good will, all that jazz. But I ask you, how can I be happy when my family unit, as I know it, is forever changed? My family will never celebrate a holiday together again - no birthdays, no weddings, no holidays, nothing.

I’m headed home on Tuesday to be the “comforter” through this tough time for my family. It seems like it’s a roll I can’t seem to switch off. I hate seeing people hurting, especially if those people are my family. It just sucks that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but just sit there and watch everyone hurt (me included).

Someone really screwed up. My family will bounce back from this, but it’ll take a REALLY long time. We’re all experiencing emotions we’re not used to feeling. I, personally, am feeling every negative emotion known to man, thrown in with a little compassion & concern. It’s an odd combination - to want to hurt someone yet feel bad for them, even love them.

I don’t think there’s any way to convey exactly what I’m feeling. This is a different kind of hurt, concern, despair than I’ve ever felt before in my life. It’s an experience I can’t put into words. It’s one of those things that, while I’m not thinking about it, life seems normal. But when I do think about it, it’s like my entire world is coming to an end. The innocence that was once synonymous with my family is forever gone. How I long for the days when the worst thing I could expect to go through was moving (leaving everyone I love), ending a relationship or losing something. I want those days back. I want my family as I knew it back.

Sadly, that will never happen. This Holiday Season is the beginning of a new phase of life - an unwelcome, unwanted phase of life. It’s kind of a phase of mourning, yet one of growing closer as the new family unit that we are. They say that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. He gives you what you need to grow. I hate to sound sacrilegious, but if this is what it takes, I’d rather not grow in this area of my life.

I found a Bible verse during church today that I’ve obviously read before (because I underlined it), but I don’t really remember ever having really seen it before. It’s 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NLT):

7…even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that this situation, this crisis, is the thorn in my side - in my family’s side. I can’t count how many times I’ve asked God to take this situation away - to let my family go back in time and find a way to stop what happened. But He won’t, and we can’t. I guess all I can do is just truck on through this newfound sadness, this apparent weakness, and learn to lean on God.

Maybe that’s the spin on this Holiday Season - everyone remembers that Jesus came as a baby to save the world. It seems like a much different story when you see how hard and ugly that world can be. I guess those verses need to become my life verses for the time being - until I can learn to welcome this ever-so-painful thorn in my side.

my newest adventure

I’ve been having heart issues (literally) for the past 3 years. Last month they got bad enough that I ended up in the ER for 3 or 4 hours… my heart rate was 126 when I was almost asleep.

The labs all came back negative (aka a good thing) and my chest x-ray was fine. So I went today for an echocardiogram (first time ever getting one - it was actually really cool to see my heart while it was working) and to get a Holter Monitor.

I’ve never experienced anything so amazing as seeing my heart moving while I was feeling the heartbeats. I had this stupid smile on my face while I was watching it. It’s amazing to think that technology has brought us so far that we can see the workings of our inner bodies on a computer monitor without an invasive procedure. I saw my heart THROUGH MY LIVER!!!! Amazing stuff.

All I can say is, God bless hoodies. They hide wires & the monitor well.

Call me morbid, but I actually hope they find something wrong. I want to know what’s causing my super extra fast heart rate. And I need to get back on my medicine. No, I’m not addicted, but I’ve kind of gotten used to having a normal heartbeat. My doctor doesn’t think I need to be on the medication… she’s wrong.

We’ll see how things turn out. Stay tuned for an update…

a heart broken (and lessons learned)

What do you write when your soul longs to scream out, but it doesn’t know what to say? How do you recover from a major life change - and I mean MAJOR? It’s out of your control. You didn’t cause it, you didn’t want it. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t want it. But I have no choice but to accept it. How do I deal with this?

How do I deal with this gut-wrenching pain that’s coursing through my body? How do I deal with the seemingly “foreverness” of uncertainty that is now my future? What about the emptiness that I feel in my heart? What about my feelings in all of this? Don’t they count for anything? I guess not.

I guess I’m looking for answers (as evidenced by the many questions I’ve asked). I wish there was an easy answer. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could erase it.

But now I have no choice but to accept it - to recover and move on. To learn from the entire situation and become stronger in spite of it. In spite? No - that would mean that I regret all of it. I will become stronger because of it.

I’ve learned that I can be put through the wringer and come out whole on the other side. I can stand up for myself and for something I believe in. I know when it’s time to say, “No more, this isn’t for me.” Now the question is, will I bring strong enough to say it if, God forbid, the need arises?

So I would like to thank you. Thank you for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. Thank you for helping to make me stronger. Do I regret the past? Not all of it - not the good times. I’m going to try to not be embarrassed for the things that have happened (and for seemingly fighting for no reason). I will try to swallow my pride and ask forgiveness (it’ll be hard, but I’ll try).

The road to recovery is going to be painful, I know. But it’s, unfortunately, a necessary evil. I just hope I’m strong enough to deal with it.